As we all know, there will always be struggles:
Good vs. Evil
Man vs. Gods
Earth Colonies vs. The Borg Collective
Citizens vs. Tax Collectors
Night Watch vs. Day Watch
True Blood vs. Twilight
Humans vs. M. Night Shyamalan
Hard Ticket to Home Video vs. Canadians
Me vs. Catalin
etc.
etc.
Eventually these conflicts may work themselves out… it may take years or eons but, these things tend to eventually come to a conclusion and peace is restored. But one thing will always remain eternal, until the universe peters out and existence is forgotten: which was the worst exorcism movie – THE LAST EXORCISM or THE DEVIL INSIDE? As someone very influential to me once said, “Every movie is someone’s favorite”, but the general consensus I have found regarding these two movies are that they are generally reviled by everyone. I once went on to Tyson’s page and said that I didn’t think THE DEVIL INSIDE was totally terrible and he made fun of me to my face saying something like “I’ve NEVER heard anyone defend this!!!!!!!!!!!” which I wasn’t “defending”, so to speak, I was just saying “It wasn’t THAT bad”, but, oh well.
A human bending over is SO FUCKING SCARY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Anyway. This morning I gathered up all of my prayer cloths and chicken bones, my crystal ball(s) and my sacred monolith, barricaded myself in my office at work and summoned an incarnation of myself from the future. Handsome and Romanesque, I appeared before myself and I asked what the future foresaw for The Great Question. I informed myself that the matter was resolved in the year 2178 when, after the global economy eventually collapsed and the world devolved into chaos and pain, the descendants of Tyson Carter and Mark Walker merged into a unified front, sacked the Temple of Solomon, unearthed what was buried underneath and subsequently pillaged and conquered Europe and Asia, leaving the rest of the world in a state of dismal suffering. Declaring the population of Earth under their control, they held a conclave at the Chartres Cathedral and concluded that neither of those was the worst exorcism movie ever produced, it was, in fact, THE LAST EXORCISM PART 2.
I JUST SHIT MY PANTS I GOT SO SCARED!!!!!!!!!!!!!
“Riddled with absolutely nothing of value,” they decreed, “This movie of people bending over serves as one of the worst productions ever issued. Although the producers move from a shitty episode of shaky cam and winks at the camera to a stable-image technique shot, there is nothing of value between the two credit sequences to merit any watching, whatsoever.”
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
After a quick smoke break, the two of us continued. “Further,” I reported to myself, “the conclave determined that the acting and gimmickry involved in THE LAST EXORCISM PART 2 was so pandering and sad that all copies, digital or otherwise, shall immediately be destroyed and this film shall be stricken from The Permanent Record.”
OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH MYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!
“The Permanent Record,” I told myself, “Was an enormous digital compilation of writing from a number of sources, called “THE BOOFS” (THE BROTHERHOOD OF ORDERLY FILM SOCIETY) including and not limited to:
NOT NOW I’M DRINKING A BEER AND WATCHING A MOVIE
ISAACS PICTURE CONCLUSIONS : )
FLIGHTS, TIGHTS AND MOVIE NIGHTS
WIDE WEIRD WORLD OF CULT FILMS
THE SPORADIC CHRONICLES OF A BEGINNER BLOGGER
BADASSES, BOOBS AND BODY COUNTS
MR RUMSEY’S FILM RELATED MUSINGS
(and if I have missed anyone you have no idea how sorry I am – I am old and frequently tired. If you would like to join the Official Registry of THE BOOFS, please politely remind me)
And please enjoy the beautiful THE BOOFS Crest:
She just saw herself bend over – she’s terrified. TERRIFIED!!
Having spent a considerable amount of time linking to all of those beautiful sites, myself and I were exhausted so we left the office, went to the local bar and started drinking Boilermakers. After a few had been put down, my future self turned to me and asked “Wait, if I am spiritual manifestation of you from the future, how can I be sitting at the bartop, physically drinking beer???” and then he disappeared and stuck me with the fucking tab. And that’s about how you will feel if you take the chance on this one – stuck with a fucking tab you don’t deserve to have to pay for. Like when you have a few people over and this girl you used to hang out with comes over, drunk, and demands that we all go to this expensive Japanese restaurant where she’ll buy everyone a nice supper and then she gets too drunk at dinner to pay or even eat and your friend has to take her home and you’re stuck with the entire fucking thing. Don’t do it, the experience is worse than having to take a shit in public.
Have a good weekend!!
Eric,
Look at me being linked and being referred to as a Brother of the Magnificence (I’m sure Weebles will enjoy the title of brother…). I like to see my blog up there in blue… even though it<s in between that fucking spooky demon (btw, I myself enjoyed both The Devil Inside and The Last Exorcism II. It’s like that).
Le Clown
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Le Clown,
It would have been a crime not to include you. You are Magnificent (TM).
EI
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You’ll only spoil him if you talk like that, Isaacs.
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You’re saying he’s NOT already spoiled??
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Well yeah, good point.
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Hey, Le Clown,
BOO!
Love, Weebs
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In the demon community, the Exorcist girl is a hot contortionist. Lol
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I do have to give it up for that : )
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Its almost hilarious how petrifying the backwards bend is. I’m now wracking my brain to think of more things that are absolutely horrifying that maybe shouldn’t be.
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Spiders!!!!!!
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There is good reason to be scared of spiders.
I once bought this book about true exorcism stories. Barely got to page 100 when I had to put it down because of the insane nightmares I was having. That was about 8 years ago. Recently, I noticed the book lying on the coffee table at my parents’ house. Everyone assumed I put it there, but there is no way I would ever even touch the damned thing. That was about a month ago. It’s still on that table.
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EHHHHHHHH
I don’t like that story…. not that I don’t like it – I don’t like that “event”…
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That makes two of us! One of my brothers also said he tried reading that book one time a few years ago, and also had insane nightmares. It’s called “Hostage to the Devil.” See how far you get!
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Oh. my name is there ! Is that an award or something? Anyway, this bending thing…. I think that’s the scariest part in Exorcism, and the fact that the characters are all soft-spoken.
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I don’t know if anything I do could be considered an award but I am honored to have met you and include you on the list : ) !!!!
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LOL! I was half awake and went “huh?” when I saw the linkback.. haha! Anything with Exorcism having to do with me is rare 😉 No worries, wasn’t gonna watch this in the first place 🙂 Thanks for the mention!
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It’s an honor to mention you!!!
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If you saw that bending backwards shit in real life you’d piss yourself!
Seriously though – such an excellent post! Awesome creativity, man. And I’m honored to be included with The BOOFS.
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Thank you so much, Thorn!!! You are a charter member of The BOOFS!!!
You know, I used to work in the restaurant business (for WAY TOO LONG). That part of society is much like the circus or your local county fair. Transients come and go and there is huge attrition of the staff. Anyway – I used to “date” a girl who could – uh – move like that and the answer to your next question is “yes”.
Maybe I went too heavy on the sarcasm but the bending over back gimmick doesn’t give me the heebie jeebies.
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aww thank you for including me! I’m honored, really….it took a double take to make sure you weren’t calling everyone BOOBS though. Got a good laugh at myself for a minute over that one. I agree with the whole bending over thing…it’s just creepy and circusy which brings to mind clowns and it’s all downhill from there.
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LOL – GREAT comment!!
Clowns SUCK!!! So do dolls….
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lol : )
dolls are creepy, I think that’s the movies and TVs fault though. Chucky scarred me for life…
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Movies…. TV…. MY GREAT GRANDMA’S HOUSE!!!!!!!!!
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LOL i don’t even wanna know!
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LOL!!
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You were so right. This is fucking brilliant and may be my favoritest thing you have ever written. I’m honored to be a BOOF. I can heist the crest for my site and link back to you, right?? Also I would never watch this. I’m pretty sure I tried to watch the first one and was bored to tears. Although in response to jpthorn – I saw someone do that and then backwards spiderwalk at Frightfest in one of the haunted houses and it was creepy as HELL.
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Misty Layne – thank you so much!!! That means a lot to me!! I’m kind of proud of myself for this one and that’s not something I say very often.
I would only LOVE IT 1,000,000,000 percent if you put that on your site!!!!!!!!!!
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You are so welcome!!!! 🙂
And I’m trying to add it to my site right now! It’s the best crest EVER!!!!
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YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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This is quite an honor. You constantly do right by your fellow bloggers. You really bend over backwards for us.
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and sometimes forward!!
( ! )
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HIYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
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CHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGE!!!!
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What’s this I read about hating Candians?
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It’s unnatural….! We should all just hate on the French and be done with it….
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LOL, agreed.
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They started it.
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hmmmm, bendy! This is actually the undead limbo championships 2013, often confused with exorcism related happenings.
And thanks for including me in The Boofs. You’re swell! 🙂
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LOL – awesome!! I’m glad we could use today’s post to clear this mess up!!
BOOFS forever!!
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BOOFS! Haha who gets scared by a flexible girl, am only scared of standing up xD
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LOL – right???
Standing up is pretty scary in its own right…
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Holy hell, remind me not to enter the limbo competition if someone possessed is going to be at the party. I’d just embarrass myself.
Wow, I can’t believe I get to be a BOOF! I should probably start a movie blog or something I guess… lol.
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I couldn’t NOT include Smash!!! (movie blog or not)
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Aww, thanks! I do watch a shit ton of movies, I just don’t write about them. But I guess we’ll see how my attempt at Fall Shitfest goes and take it from there, lol
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YES!!!!!!!
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It took me a little while to get this up and running, so I hope you didn’t feel snubbed. But I am now proudly displaying the boofs image on my site 🙂
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It looks BEE-YOU-TEE-FULL!!!!!
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This is one of the best posts you’ve written. Why is it so much easier to get creative with a bad movie. Anyway, all these years since I stopped being able to do awesome backbends around age 25 I thought I had just gotten older and out of shape, but now I realize that age 25 was the year the demon left my body! Praise God and Bruce Campbell!
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THANK YOU Erin!! That means a lot to me, coming from you!!
That’s a good point – these stinkers really bring out the best in us….
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Thanks for picking me to be a part of The BOOFS! Will there be an initiation process like slaughtering a pig or drinking blood?????????
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Of course!!!
I’m not sure about the initiation rituals but: I LIKE THE WAY YOU THINK, SIR!!
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LOL! “…the descendants of Tyson Carter and Mark Walker merged into a unified front, sacked the Temple of Solomon, unearthed what was buried underneath and subsequently pillaged and conquered Europe and Asia, leaving the rest of the world in a state of dismal suffering. Declaring the population of Earth under their control…”
Descendants of me and Carter is a scary thought. 😉
What a superb piece of creative writing here bro. I absolutely love it.
Being an honorary Boof would have been good enough but my generational accomplishments is even better.
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THANK YOU, Mark!! That means a LOT to me.
I figured if anyone’s clans would unite it would be you two : )
LONG LIVE THE BOOFS!! (hairy man tits and all)
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Me and Mark will unite one day. It would be a good looking (my part) descendant that no one could understand (marks bit) 😉
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LOL
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It’s funny, because I also saw myself from a different time stream. We had an epic fight in a junkyard, where I threw tires all around him and choked him out until he literally disappeared. I don’t know how that makes any sense whatsoever, but it was awesome. But I’m the one from the future, so now I have foreknowledge of all events that are to take place.
Oh, and the war between humans and M. Night Shyamalan will rage on until all who is left eventually hole up in Zion, the last human city. Once there, we will dance to techno and make love in stone bunk beds. It’s not all that bad, really.
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Sounds SWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET!!!
Is everyone super-hot too???
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Not everyone, no. And showers are rationed.
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Reblogged this on Knights of Mars Roundtable and commented:
This is the funniest shit I’ve ever read in my life. In fact, it’s so good, that I’m not even going to tell you what I think of The Last Exorcism. That shall forever be a mystery that internet archaeologists will have to figure out piecemeal. I’m a nice guy for reblogging this and all, but it just seems like I’m bending over backwards for Eric. Maybe that’s why he’s so afraid of me.
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Not only thanks for the reblog but THANK YOU for the compliment!!! That means a TON!!!
And yes, I wish you would stop coming into my office every hour, bending over backwards and exposing your genitals. It’s starting to get a little awkward…. for real. And smelly.
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You’re not the boss of me.
And you’re welcome.
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I’m proud to be a BOOF and I will add the pic to my site ASAP, thank you!
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You are HONORABLY deserving!!!
THANK YOU!!!
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Thanks for inducting me into the Boofs 🙂 (is that something like The Moops?) I hope I don’t get ostracized from the Brotherhood for saying this, I liked ‘The Last Exorcism’ (the 1st one).
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“THE MOOPS!!!! IT SAYS THE MOOPS!!!!”
It would have to be a pretty heinous sin to get kicked out of The BOOFS. Independent thought isn’t one of them. Have you seen this one yet??
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No, I’m not a big fan of sequels anyway and it’s kinda’ reminding me of The Exorcist II, rehashing the same gags from the original just to make a few bucks. Besides, in the 1st one, it wasn’t her story I liked, it was the story of the preacher, Cotton.
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Gotcha –
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Put the BOOFS crest in my widget column, and I must say, it really spruced up the place… The pink flowers go well with all my skulls and zombies and monsters. 🙂 When I was a kid, we had that same flower pattern on wall-paper in the kitchen (1975), but the flowers were yellow 🙂
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SWEET!!! Thank you!!!
Yeah – so did we – I remember we bought a new house in the 80s and it had black and white trees. I think that’s why wallpaper freaks me out so much…
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Short film: guy walks into a house, sees 1970’s wallpaper, freaks out! Runs to another room, more wallpaper, freaks out some more – jumps out a window. The end.
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I like it!
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Ha-ha, really good post! Agree that’s it’s probably one of the best you’ve done so far (not that there’s anything wrong with the others). But most of all, I feel proud to be a BOOF. Maybe there’s even a little tear in the corner of my eye. Except there isn’t. Because the Brotherhood don’t cry.
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HAHA!!! THANKS SO MUCH!!!
BOOFS FOREVER!!
There’s our official Credo!! “The Brotherhood Don’t Cry”.
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At first I thought I was linked to a boob type of award. So what does that make me? A boofsette? A Boofserer? A Boofsian?Thank you so much for including little ol’ me in your award winning list of other bloggers! That’s mighty sweet and kind of you! Those pictures are creepy (but funny too because I just want to tell them “get over yourself”), but my reaction was like the last picture, but with a smile. I thought, “YES!! I’m part of the Boofs!!!”
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YAY!! Of course I included you!!
I like it: Boofsette!!
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Excellent post, dude! You should have saved this for Fall Shitfest – you’d totally win. 🙂
And I’m so honored to be part of the BOOFS! Seriously – this is, like, the highlight of 2013 for me so far. AND I’m the only one with a butt next to my blog name! Awesome. ( * )
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THANKS MUTANT!!!!
This was a lot of fun to do!!
Welcome to The BOOFS!!
( ! )
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Dude, how long did it take you to link to all those blogs?? That’s a feat in itself, it’s so freaking time consuming.
I didn’t see The Devil Inside but the Last Exorcism 2 really did suck massive donkey ass.
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Weebs!!
I worked on it here and there all week. It was tough – but a good tough : )
Yes it sure did, didn’t it? MASSIVE donkey ass!!
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“the general consensus I have found regarding these two movies are that they are generally reviled by everyone.” Tisk, tisk, tisk! You know I love The Last Exorcism Part 1, especially cuz it was a slow-burner and it had some pretty smart things to say about faith and religion and especially for its superb ending.
Haven’t seen Part 2 but from the trailer alone I know it’s SHIT. But i’ll watch it, why not. I like to torture myself.
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Well don’t blame me when you have a terrible time. I tried to warn you because that’s what I do. No matter how much poop you throw at me, I am still here trying to protect you. From poop like this.
Poop. Poop. Poop. Poop.
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No, I’m sure it’s doo-doo-caca, no worries. This time, I won’t blame you for it. But I will find something else to blame you for.
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of course you will….
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LOL! Great post man! I never thought this day would come, but I’m so proud to finally be a BOOF!
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THANK YOU!!!! I am proud too!!!
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The last time I bent over like that I was trying to get the gerbil out of my ass.
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GOODNESS!!!!
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Now that I am caught up – here’s a true story for ya.
Back in the late 70s my friend’s mom was an ER nurse. To add to that, there are a couple of brothers where I live that are local celebrities – much like Nathan Arizona. Anyway, one night she was working the late shift when one of them was rushed into the ER – because he had a Gerber’s bottle of baby food stuck in his asshole. Over the years that morphed into “he likes to sticks gerbils up his butt” and so forth.. I’m not sure if people really do like to stick rodents up their asses but that’s where that rumor got started (I think).
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Excellent to see they have access to such phenomenal sources of film writing in the future.
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AMEN!!!
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Right, I’m just gonna get serious for a second; I can guarantee this movie is better than Devil Inside. 100% better. And I’ll be watching soon to be sure.
Thank you for the links, and more importantly putting me on top of that huge link list where I deserve to be. If I hadnt spent 16 hours on the fucking phone in the last day or so, trying to work out why I have no god damn internet, I would of been here faster. What a scary world without the web, how did we survive before?
Well played Big Sexy, this is a great post but then again all your work is fucking marvellous in my eyes 🙂
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You are very sweet : )
16 hours with no internet… THE HORROR!!!!!
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Been about 5 days now………
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You’re living like a fucking caveman!!!!!!!!
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You try the month without it that I’ve been stuck with Tyson!
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THE BARBARITY!!!!
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That was awesome. Thanks for including in “THE BOOFS” 🙂
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Of course!!
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I’m a boof, I’m a boof! Yay!
(doing little happy dance, no bending over backwards)
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YAY!!!
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haha great post! and thanks for making me a Boof, in fact an ‘Official’ Boof! Nice lol, thanks!
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Of course!!!
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This was bloody brilliant! I am honoured to be a BOOF member 😛
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YES!!!!!!!
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Awesome! I love being a BOOF! 😀
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WONDERFUL!!!!!
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i come back back from vacation and all hell has broken loose! Hard Ticket to Home Video vs. Canadians!!?? We’re definitely outnumbered. AWESOME post buddy! What a fun read that was.
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I was hoping you’d make it back to this one – this is one of my favorite things I’ve written. Thanks, amigo!!
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Of course I would. Just catching up now as this is my first day back.
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I’m happy to hear from you again!
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I enjoyed the break, can’t lie. 🙂
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I am taking five days off starting tomorrow!! WOO HOO!!!!!!!!!!!
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NICE!!!!!!
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Not from you…..from work. LOL
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LOL
Did you see that comment from Pigeon Coop on my OZ post? He really might think we’re married LOL
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OMG!!! lol
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LOL
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Brilliant! I’m so proud to be a BOOF!
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YES!!
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I thought boofs was what you got from drinking too many boilermakers. Er, not that I would know from any personal experience.
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Right!! (Me neither)
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I have taken my SWEET time doing this, but I’ve put up a link to The Boofs on my site 🙂
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AWESOME!!! This was a holiday over here so I’ve been mostly mobile all weekend – but I’m heading over to your contest before too long to give it a better look : )
P.S. Look for a return visit to The Boofs later this month : )
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Great, thank you!
Nice! I certainly will be keeping my eyes open 🙂
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