Isaacs Picture Conclusions

SCREAM BLOODY MURDER (2003) PLEASE SEE THE WRITE UP

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Have you ever seen a movie that is sooooooooooooooooooooooo bad but for some reason you love it? Two that I can think of in my life are THE HALFWAY HOUSE and SPIRIT CAMP. I am not going to say I LOVED this movie but I thought it was a lot of fun. The acting is terrible, the delivery is terrible, the sound is pretty iffy, the plot is silly – and everything is all over the place, but in the end I really enjoyed this and will probably own this at some point. I doubt I will compel anyone to watch this, but if you don’t take this silly movie seriously, and don’t expect shit, this was actually a good time. Spoilers ahead.

Several months ago, I challenged my friend Brian to watch a movie called MOLLY AND THE GHOST. If you can’t make it to that link right now, here’s his summary of a movie I called “a terrible, terrible stool full of oily discharge and should never be watched by any human being as long as you live.”:

Overall: Was this movie bad? Oh sweet gopher scrotums YES. The direction is totally inept, and it looks like it was shot on a JVC camcorder that a homeless guy threw away after he realized he couldn’t eat it or have sex with it. HOWEVER, I actually had fun watching it. And I think that is chiefly due to watching it with Brad, so we could bounce hilarious commentary off each other. Maybe Eric’s problem is he watched it alone, which is a huge mistake (and I’m not sure why he watched it in the first place). Like The Room, this is a “party” movie. It has to be watched with other, like-minded goofballs who can massage the fun out of its salami breasts. So in that way, I kind of recommend it.

I had fun watching SCREAM BLOODY MURDER. It’s gopher-scrotum bad, but fun. This movie revolves around seven chicks.

The Slut

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The Rosy and Smart, non slut Lead

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The doe-eyed, mousy Virgin

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The Gay

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The Tough Bitch

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The Hotter’n Fire New Girl

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And of course, the sexually repressed, Mrs. Beaver (yep)

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So these girls all get dressed together and call each other bitches and sluts and talk about cocks and then put on their tiny uniforms to head out to a big dance with Mrs. beaver as the chaperon and a doofus named Beaumont who has a cast on one foot and hops around with a crutch.

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As fate always has it, the van breaks down in the middle of nowhere and despite offering up some Hot N Fresh bosom, they can’t flag anyone down until, luckily, a redneck, toothless imbecile comes driving up in a tow truck —- wearing a hockey mask—- because he was on his way to hockey practice.

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As these things go, before too long people are getting killed all over the junkyard by an off screen killer. Flattened by one of those car smasher machines, filled with air from an air compressor, a forklift up the butt… you know…

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Eventually people are peeing together to stay safe, eating old shish kabobs out of the trash, drinking ketchup and even burning their shirts to stay warm in the middle of the California desert.

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Later, Mrs. Beaver and The Gay girl are making out in the back of a station wagon for no logical reason and just as Mrs. Beaver is about to – well you know – she screams “I’m about to explode!!!” and:

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After the explosion, the Virgin is sitting in the front seat of a truck and Mrs. Beaver and the Gay girl’s panties plop on the ground in front of her and then catch on fire. That part actually made me LOL.

One of the other things that made me LOL and enjoy this so much is that once the killer is identified and we have the big showdown, she does a Scooby Doo and pulls the rubber mask off of her face and she’s actually……….

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……….. THE HIGH SCHOOL PRINCIPAL!!!!!

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“Why are you doing this Principal Burden??!?!?!?!” screams “Parker”.

“Because you were getting to close!!!” Counters Principal Burden.

“TO CLOSE TO WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?” She pleads.

“THE ENIGMA MACHINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” He advises.

“WHAT???”

“The most powerful weapon in the universe!”

“Uh, we weren’t looking for that.”

“You weren’t??”

“UH UH”

“Oh” *dies*

LOL!! WTF??

Anyway, there you go. I thought this was good fun. If either of the two screenplays I am failing to write ever make me any money, I would totally re-do this one and give it some more…. what’s the word…. PIZZAZZ! Now to hide my Enigma Machine from Brian and his evil henchmen.

23 comments

  1. The Heretic

    Movie so bad that I love it has to be “Hawk The Slayer”, it actually became a staple movie in my roleplaying group (along with the usuals: Princess Bride, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, etc.) . Jack Palance just ups the ante in this film for mentally insane villain, you cannot tell if that is actually the way he was at the time, or if he trying too hard to play his character well.

    Like

  2. I’m at work so to be quite honest, I didn’t even read the article because I wasn’t sure of what kind of images you had up. So yeah. Here goes generic comments- Great review! I need to see this! Your words really have me curious about this particular movie. Oh man, that sounds interesting! I love how you talked about the thing! I love that part too! You always have great insights!

    Like

  3. Abbi

    It seems like you guys watch movies like my friend, Jen and I do. The running comedy banter can make almost any film not good, necessarily, but enjoyable.

    Like

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