While I have never been to England, from watching movies, I have learned that I think they can show sex on TV there. With that said, my impression of this is an English made for TV film. It’s got a couple of bloody parts, some sex but not nudity (except for this one unfortunate shot of a dude’s giant dingus) and a whole lot of are-they-or-are-they-not hallucination scenes. In the end, you could think to yourself, hmmm that’s kind of clever, but then, when you throw in one last part it doesn’t make sense, and left me with a feeling of BLAH but i-guess-it-wasn’t-as-bad-as BLOODY MURDER, for example. Spoilers in this one.
Here’s the plot: at some point in the past a foot licking (yes) serial killer murdered four pot smoking, fornicating English teens out in an field somewhere. Present day, good looking American wife married to bad acting English husband move into a mansion in the English countryside so she can finish up her next horror book. Before too long she starts to have visions no one else can see which causes the husband and her publisher to question her sanity and hope she doesn’t go into Brain Shut Down again. That’s their words. Apparently she went into Brain Shut Down at some point in the past but now she’s OK – or is she?????????????
As these visions get violently (but not bloodily) worse she happens to run across a grizzled bad boy gatekeeper screwing some blond out on the grounds. This gate keeper then chases her around for a bit and then goes off and shows her his enormous weenus. To me, logically, this would be a call for her NOT to invite him for a dinner of stew and secret ingredient hallucinogenic mushrooms, but she does a few scenes later anyway (and she bops him) You crazy English!
Sooooooo…. As we round up to the end, her husband is involved with some sort of hooker, her visions are out of control and she accidentally stabs the gatekeeper which gets her committed to the local Insane Asylum. SPOILERS here: since she is committed, her husband gets all of the profits of the book she wrote, which was a story about herself and her strange visions. It goes international and he is set to go live in hog heaven with his hooker babe. He sells the house and we learn that the new residents are the people from her visions! Weird! He gets in his car! OH NO! The serial killer we forgot about an hour and fifteen minutes ago is hiding in the backseat! He kills the husband! He heads into the house! Her visions were true! AY YAYAYAYAY!!!!!!
I think you’re probably safe to skip this one unless you just have an itch to watch a mediocre movie. If you have that itch, you might want to head to the local 24 hour clinic and have that looked at. It could be contagious. Or Scabies.
On another note, I’d like to pat myself on the butt a little bit. A few years ago, the wife and I went off and spent a lot of money on some couches for our living room. The other week, the love seat of the pair broke inside and rendered it unsittable. Usually in these types of situations I either throw something broken into the fucking trash or, in a case like this, would call in our hippie carpenter friends to come fix it. I’m currently in a state of mind to save money and not spend everything I get in my paycheck so Sunday I grabbed myself by the nuts and sat down to fix the damned thing.
It took me about an hour to fix the supporting brace but I got it done and was then faced with shoving the fucking springs back into place. After about another hour of ripping my left hand to pieces, I got smart and used a 1×4 to shove those miserable pieces of metal up into the couch with one hand and screwed the board to the brace with the other – which must have been quite a sight. After getting them slightly stable and not poking me in my hand, I took a three beer break and went back to work.
Having had some beers I sat down and thought to myself, “I never want to do this again” so I spent another hour or two fortifying that mother fucker with dozens of pieces of leftover lumber. I didn’t think about taking a picture of it and already stapled the bottom cloth back to it, but let’s just say that it could possibly be the most solid piece of furniture in the city where I live.
Cheech says “It may be a little lumpy on my side but I don’t mind”.
Anyway – there you have it – A Tuesday Tale of Triumph!!
There’s been an abundance of dong on this site lately. Congratulations on the couch, I would have burned it.
LikeLike
Netflix recommendations!!!
Thanks – I probably would have too if I hadn’t spent so much on it.
LikeLike
BECAUSE YOU WATCHED: DONGS
LikeLike
You know – you might be right. I forgot that I watched a 32 hour documentary by Ken Burns called DONGS.
LikeLike
Only that very couch, which is why it broke.
LikeLike
Now I understand what that movie Shame is about even though I haven’t seen it.
LikeLike
You’d love it, I hear there’s major dong.
LikeLike
SLANDER!!!
*calls lawyer uncle*
Good or bad, I try and report it like it is.
*files lawsuit*
LikeLike
Hahaha! Your lawyer uncle has already been kidnapped by Irving Spiderman’s team.
LikeLike
You…. kidnapped…. Uncle Isaacs????
LikeLike
He’s being treated well, for now. But that all depends on you, doesn’t it?
LikeLike
I haven’t seen him in a few years except for on local TV. How’s he holding up?
LikeLike
He’s holding up by piano wire hung from the ceiling attached to his dong.
LikeLike
GROSS!!
LikeLike
Awesome job on the couch! Beautiful dog too btw
: )
LikeLike
Thanks and Cheech says “Pet me please, I am SOOOOO mistreated” : )
LikeLike
LOL is Cheech a bit spoiled?! I love the big fluffy dogs, just not the hair they leave behind.
and…Why do dogs always make that I’m so mistreated face? Elvis (my bullmastiff) is famous around here for making that face. It’s like he lives in a cage and fed cat food or something.
LikeLike
Cheech is the most spoiled dog ever!
: )
LikeLike
I am so impressed that you fixed the loveseat! Well done 🙂
LikeLike
HA!! THANK YOU!!!
LikeLike
Your loveseat story sounds better than the one in the movie. What has she done since Buffy, anyways?
LikeLike
LOL – this lady was in Buffy? Never saw an episode or the movie…
LikeLike
Jeez, where were you during the ’90s? A fallout shelter?
LikeLike
LOL – from 90 – 95 I was going to college all day and then working all night.
From 95-99 I was managing a fucking restaurant 16 hours a day seven days a week. It was HORRIBLE and that’s one of the main reasons I hate the 90s
LikeLike
Well, Charisma Carpenter and I want you to experience the ’90s as you should have been able to back then. So, get yourself a pair of Reebok Lights or some kind of shoes with velcro, put your hat on backwards, and marathon the shit out of some Buffy and Charmed.
LikeLike
I’ll go break out my black leather jacket and grow my stringy hair out too!
If only I still had that Hyundai….
LikeLike
You’re getting in the spirit now.
LikeLike
Dear god, that sounds awful. I live in England and can confirm that after 9pm (otherwise known as the watershed) you can show pretty much anything – sex, nudity and much cursing. Is this different in the US?
LikeLike
Yes – it very much is. A bunch of prudes built the US and an even worse bunch of prudes were running the place when TV got invented. On “regular free” TV you can’t do anything risque AT ALL or the TV station gets fined.
On “basic cable” they are finally getting around to using words like “shit” and “asshole”.
On “premium cable” they can get away with sex and cursing and what not but nothing explicit.
LikeLike
Wow! The BBC, is full of post-watershed nipples and angry comedians using F words about the government.
Channel 4 (also free) showed Queer As Folk featuring graphic GAY sex scenes as early as 1999 (only mentioning this as an indicator of the liberalness of all of it). This also being the channel that aired Skins, which is basically just teen sex and drugs.
So interesting to see the differences.
I grew up in South Africa, where TV was heavily censored at some points but by the time I was in my late teens it had become more relaxed and after 9pm they would air films that had sex, nudity and strong language with a pre-warning.
You should see Australian TV though, they have no watershed. They show Sex and The City and South Park uncut at 10am!
LikeLike
Yeah – it’s REALLY tame here.
Get this – where I live you can’t even buy liquor on Sundays….!
LikeLike
You couldn’t in South Africa for years either but that law has changed as well. You poor thing!
LikeLike
It’s SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO stupid!
LikeLike
Compared to HBO stuff its still pretty tame here. Too many fuckwits complain if something is slightly too edgy.
Great work on the couch, I have a wall that needs knocking down if youre up for the challenge?
Fingers crossed this doesnt get spammed again….. 😦
LikeLike
Not spam!
Sure thing – buy me a ticket and I’ll hop on over there with my toolbox.
LikeLike
Poor Charisma. Seems she can’t catch a break since Buffy and Angel. I think I’ll just browse her Playboy pictures on my hard drive again.
LikeLike
How have I missed out on her??
*Makes note to review the internet when he gets home*
LikeLike
It’s been too long since I saw the word ‘dingus’ in a blog post… The IPC delivers yet again.
LikeLike
HELL YES!!
LikeLike
You’re dogs name is Cheech?
LikeLike
HA!! Technically her name is Trixie but she’s been going by Chi Chi or Cheech for the last year.
Also technically, my / our other dog’s name is Newton but he goes by Toots, for more than one reason. PFT!!!
LikeLike
Like father, like dog.
LikeLike
He learned from THE BEST!!!!
LikeLike