The other day I was in the mood to watch something shitty so I put on my uranium handling gloves, reached into the SHITFEST box and boy did I strike gold shit. I really don’t know much about Charles Band and his monster movies but this was totally stupid, boring, ridiculously full of itself and, aside from getting a chance to see Sherilyn Fenn’s boobs, once again, this is of no value to you or anyone else. Not even Scrotey… I wouldn’t even give this to him in his Christmas Box. Well, maybe I would. That’s gonna depend on how many atrocities he commits against me this year. Let’s check his tic sheet…:
That’s not looking good… poor ole Scrotey. Unlike last week’s AFTER DARK MY SWEET which also came out in 1990, this is a terrible piece of 90s horseshit that sets a couple of American girls in some castle somewhere overseas from me, involves an actor playing two twin brothers from a Renaissance Fair, a dwarf that I thought was Kramer’s stunt double from Seinfeld (but isn’t), terrible camera work, horrible sets, poor special effects, a miserable musical score and lines like this: “I can’t kill you because you’re my brother and I love you. But I HATE you.“
I’ve only seen Fenn in a couple of things so I can’t go off and say that she’s a terrible actress but she monotones the shit out of every line in here; sure she takes off her blouse a few times but that’s not saving this thing. There’s also nothing outstanding about anything else in here except for maybe the opening credits slo-mo scene that was kind of reminiscent of some of the slo-mo scenes in LEGEND but, after thinking about that for ten seconds, the answer to that is “no it wasn’t, shut your fucking mouth Isaacs”.
When I do a google search for images of this movie there are only a handful out there. The one above, a more risque version of the one above and an image of the chick below with her tits out (and a few others mind you) (not tits, other screen captures). I could go back and find stupid imagery of what’s in this movie and make my own grabs but this doesn’t deserve a second watch or any of my time, fiddling through it to get what I want. I promise you this sucked and, if I need some filler for SHITFEST FALL – this will be there.
REMINDER!! SHITFEST FALL deadline is coming up!!! I know it’s still early and everyone is off using their summer days out of school to harvest wheat and work in the fields (because that’s what happens where I live – kids get three months off in the summer, like it’s the 1900s) (just kidding) but I only have a couple of entries in my pocket and I don’t want to do a month of my own posts. If we can’t get enough entries we can always postpone it but – COME ON!!! LET’S GO!! BRING IT!! There’s a cash or physical prize!!! Hypnotoad says: “THWUBWUBDOTHWUBWUBITTHWUBWUBDOTHWUBWUBITTHWUBWUBDOTHWUBWUBITTHWUBWUBDOTHWUBWUBITTHWUBWUBDOTHWUBWUBITTHWUBWUB“.
Wow this looked particularly bad!
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It was…… AWFUL!!!!!!
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Why does this not surprise me?! It just looks… AWFUL! I blame that two-bit poster!
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HA!
TERRIBLE!!
I poo on this DVD!
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Surely you don’t…. NO! You do not OWN this monstrosity, do you?!
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It came included in the initial box that inspired Shitfest… LOL
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Oh my goodness… well… at least it accompanied something that inspired something great? Or is that not much of a consolation?
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It’s no consolation HAHAHAHA!!!
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No credit given where it is due I see!
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LOL
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Sounds good.
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It sure is. You should stop everything you’re doing and go secure yourself a copy before the supply runs out!
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When is this Shitfest deadline anyway? It had better not coincide with Schlocktoberfest or god help you when Irving Spiderman hears about it.
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August 31 is the deadline – I’ll have a post coming out this afternoon with some more details.
I would never dream of interfering with Schlocktoberfest – it’s the best!!
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Some BIG changes coming to Schlocktoberfest this year. HUGE!!
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Bring it!
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What?!? You’re accepting entries for Shitfest Fall Edition already? Did I miss a post or something?
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LOL – I’ve been accepting them since, like, June…!!
BRING IT!!!
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Had no idea.
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OK – I’ll put something out here in a bit –
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Yeah, I don’t think people knew it was time to submit entries just yet, so do a post when you get a chance, and you’ll start getting some submissions; you still have the one of mine leftover from the first contest, right?
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Sounds good, Gary – I’ll put something out this afternoon –
and YEP!
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Love the pic of you and Sherilyn Fenn posing! 🙂
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Don’t we make a cute couple??
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Not as cute as you and Scrotey!
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LOL
Very true!
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what on earth put you in the mood to watch something shitty?!?! This one must be exceptionally bad… lol
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LOL
Sometimes I just feel compelled to get dirty – for YOUR sake(s). What if you had stumbled upon this and watched it. I couldn’t live with myself…
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lol well thanks for throwing yourself under the ‘sucky movie’ bus so we don’t have to…as always.
: )
keep up the good work lmao
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LOL – I’m here for you : )
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“I can’t comment on you because you’re my brotha and I love you. But I HATE you.“
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LOL! I love it when you review horrible movies! Always entertaining 🙂
BTW, my Shitfest entry is coming soon! I promise! I just have to choose one to watch and hit the jackpot…since I’m doing recommendations month…luckily my boyfriend screened through most of it and has given me some top shitfest material suggestions 😉
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HA HA!! THANKS KIM!!!
I can’t wait!!
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Poor Sherilynn Fenn. She should have stopped after Twin Peaks. Boxing Helena is another awful film of hers. Trivia:
I recently discovered that Suzie Quatro is her aunty.
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Very interesting!
I agree – Boxing Helena wasn’t very good either……
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Even the name sounds shitty…….
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TC! Nice to hear from you!! Yeah – don’t take a chance on this shit.
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