The other day I was in the mood to watch something shitty so I put on my uranium handling gloves, reached into the SHITFEST box and boy did I strike
gold shit. I really don’t know much about Charles Band and his monster movies but this was totally stupid, boring, ridiculously full of itself and, aside from getting a chance to see Sherilyn Fenn’s boobs, once again, this is of no value to you or anyone else. Not even Scrotey… I wouldn’t even give this to him in his Christmas Box. Well, maybe I would. That’s gonna depend on how many atrocities he commits against me this year. Let’s check his tic sheet…:
That’s not looking good… poor ole Scrotey. Unlike last week’s AFTER DARK MY SWEET which also came out in 1990, this is a terrible piece of 90s horseshit that sets a couple of American girls in some castle somewhere overseas from me, involves an actor playing two twin brothers from a Renaissance Fair, a dwarf that I thought was Kramer’s stunt double from Seinfeld (but isn’t), terrible camera work, horrible sets, poor special effects, a miserable musical score and lines like this: “I can’t kill you because you’re my brother and I love you. But I HATE you.“
I’ve only seen Fenn in a couple of things so I can’t go off and say that she’s a terrible actress but she monotones the shit out of every line in here; sure she takes off her blouse a few times but that’s not saving this thing. There’s also nothing outstanding about anything else in here except for maybe the opening credits slo-mo scene that was kind of reminiscent of some of the slo-mo scenes in LEGEND but, after thinking about that for ten seconds, the answer to that is “no it wasn’t, shut your fucking mouth Isaacs”.
When I do a google search for images of this movie there are only a handful out there. The one above, a more risque version of the one above and an image of the chick below with her tits out (and a few others mind you) (not tits, other screen captures). I could go back and find stupid imagery of what’s in this movie and make my own grabs but this doesn’t deserve a second watch or any of my time, fiddling through it to get what I want. I promise you this sucked and, if I need some filler for SHITFEST FALL – this will be there.
REMINDER!! SHITFEST FALL deadline is coming up!!! I know it’s still early and everyone is off using their summer days out of school to harvest wheat and work in the fields (because that’s what happens where I live – kids get three months off in the summer, like it’s the 1900s) (just kidding) but I only have a couple of entries in my pocket and I don’t want to do a month of my own posts. If we can’t get enough entries we can always postpone it but – COME ON!!! LET’S GO!! BRING IT!! There’s a cash or physical prize!!! Hypnotoad says: “THWUBWUBDOTHWUBWUBITTHWUBWUBDOTHWUBWUBITTHWUBWUBDOTHWUBWUBITTHWUBWUBDOTHWUBWUBITTHWUBWUBDOTHWUBWUBITTHWUBWUB“.