(I made that poster)
Years ago, my friend and I had this deal where we would get as loaded as possible on the worst whiskey we could find – I mean the shit that tastes like gasoline – and sit down to watch whatever appeared to be the worst DVD for rent at the local Blockbuster. Why? Why not… The other day I was upstairs doing my bills and decided to clean my desk of the ephemera (I have waited a long time to work that in somewhere) that had collected there for months. When I went into the closet for the first time in forever I saw this old, forgotten filing cabinet from the 1930’s, couldn’t remember what was in there, opened the doors and found a bunch of lost treasures that I will now
threaten the reader with give them a watch again and try to do a decent write up. First up: The Halfway House. Read at your own risk…
Make no mistake, this movie is not good. No, no, nope, no, nope, not good at all. The acting is pitiful, the delivery is worthless, the sound is awful, the dialogue is terrible, the actors are not good looking and this whole thing is a real stinker. But wait…. I loved it…. If the movie poster alone didn’t compel you not to rent this, how about the synopsis: “Young girls are disappearing in and around the Mary Magdalen Halfway House for Troubled Girls. Desperate to find out what became of her sister, Larissa Morgan goes undercover to infiltrate the Catholic-run institution. Once inside, she encounters Father Fogerty, a priest with a passion for punishment; Sister Cecelia, a nun with a dark past plotting an even blacker future; Edwina and her love-toy Cherry Pie; tough Latino Angelina and her home girls and a sinister handyman named Lutkus. It’s not long before she’s caught up in a twisted web of sadism, violence, and wanton lust before finally learning the ultimate secret of the Halfway House”. If those two factors haven’t made you skip on over to the next thing in line, how about the first 12 minutes: a semi attractive woman is jogging down the streets of Southern California when she gets attacked by someone wearing a monk’s robe. Next up she is bound to the floor with what appears to be nothing but string, her clothes are ripped off, she’s fondled and the raving-idiot-monk-guy (Cleve Hall as Lutkus) starts turning a giant wheel. Soon enough, a HILARIOUS looking, fake-as-they-get, giant, green, rubber monster with one huge red eye emerges from a cavity in the wall and eats the lady. Queue the opening title.
Are you still in? With all of that behind you, your expectations have to be very low – so low that there’s no way you can be truly disappointed: obviously no one is taking this movie seriously – no one involved and no one watching. It also goes without saying that this is a lot more enjoyable if you have the right idea about what you’re in store for and a belly full of rotgut whiskey. When I wrote about “See Jane Run” I wondered if those guys really thought they were making a good movie, because it was absolutely awful. Here – I get the feeling that no one thought they were making a good movie and it shows – and I appreciate it.
So, if you’re still interested, after the opening title, this jogging chick’s sister Larissa (a lady named Janet Keijser, right, above) busts into the police station like she owns the place and comes across a cop named Dick Sheen (Shawn Savage) having some stupid yuks with his boss, Inspector Hinds (Mike Gaglio). They don’t give her the time of day until she starts screaming and it goes something like this:
Hinds: “and he was flopping around like a fucking fish!!” (Mimic man having seizure)
Larissa: “EEEEXXCUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSSSEEE MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!”
Hinds: “(ahem) How can we help you, young lady?”
Larissa: “My sister went missing, Here’s her picture.” (hands it over)
Hinds: “Nice tits!!”
Further – after filling out the required paperwork, Larissa leaves the station and Dick Sheen runs out after her:
Sheen: “Hey! Wait!”
Larissa: “What? Did I forget my email address???”
A common theme in this beauty is that when things start to get a little boring, they just strip everyone of their clothes and continue. I get the feeling here that there had been too little action for ten minutes so Larissa and Sheen decide to go have some sex and talk the entire time about their plan. The plan involving her 30 year old self being “enrolled” into the Mary Magdalen Halfway House for Troubled Girls and see what happened to her sister. Oh wait – why does she need to do this? It seems some people have been going missing from the Halfway House and Dick saw Lutkus wearing the same type of headphones that Larissa’s sister was wearing on her jog. Yep. Here’s a blurry picture of her boobs:
So, she puts on a black leather jacket, smokes a cigarette, fails to blow decent smoke rings and Dick takes her in – into the loving arms of Mary Woronov as the evil-ass Sister Cecilia and the reading-bondage-magazines-in-his-bible Father Fogerty (Joseph Tatner). Ok…. In the rec room, she is immediately accosted by a trio of Latino tough chicks, saved from them by a different duo of Latinas, shown to her room and a a lot of unattractive females get naked, do stuff with each other, take showers and fight – oh – and get tied to the ground and eaten by the giant, green, rubber monster. Here’s another blurry pic for you:
One thing I tried to incorporate into my poster above is the term “The Power of Christ Compels You”. Why? Father Fogerty, who is oblivious of what Cecilia is doing in the basement, spends a lot of time spanking the bare asses of his wayward charges with a paddle studded with diamonds spelling the name “Jesus”. As he whacks away, he makes them scream that phrase – “The power of Christ compels you!!” SWACK! “The power of Christ compels you!!” SWACK! “The power of Christ compels you!!” SWACK! “The power of Christ compels you!!” SWACK! That also does it for any decent pics I could find.
If anything is compelling you to continue reading this – I am going to give away the ending here. It turns out Cecilia was abused by a bunch of boys at her last stint so she turned from her faith, got a hold of the Necronomicon, made a pact with the green monster and wants it to come over to our world where she will – gulp – mate with it and breed a new master race that dominates mankind. Those poor half naked girls that have been food for the guy was just that – supper – so it could get strong enough to come on over to our world. Luckily Larissa has dead Dick’s handgun so she shoots it and it blows up in a fiery explosion – like it was a car or something.
So there you have it – The Halfway House – a bad, bad movie… that I liked. A sleazy, dirty, bloody movie with a fake rubber extra-dimensional monster. For real, it’s kind of fun if you are into something so bad – especially after ten glasses of this: