Isaacs Picture Conclusions

WHAT THE HELL? HELLRAISER 3: HELL ON EARTH (1992) THREE STICKPINS

HELL3A

It’s been a while since I dipped into the Hellraiser pool (you can see the first two entries at the bottom of this post if you were interested. If not – I would totally understand – these aren’t the best movies ever made, plus, I’m kind of dumb – but – out of the three of these I think I liked this one the best so far. Gone is the Queen of Pain AKA The Queen of Bangs and now we look into the lives of a bunch of ’90s douches, their bad hairdos and their terrible outfits, the likes of which I also sported when I was off going to college. OH THE ANGST!! I think I kind of liked this a little better  because I like the lead actress, Terry Farrell:

HELL3G

 AKA Commander Dax:

TFDS9

 Anyway…… Dax Farrell is a reporter hanging out in a hospital one night when some orderlies come running in, screaming like banshees, with a bloody body on a gurney. She follows them to the operating room and witnesses a scene of carnage the likes of which have never been produced before or after in the history of film. Just kidding on that last part but she does get to see the chains and shit that this franchise is fond of and everyone is brutally ripped to pieces.

HELL3C

 Elsewhere, a rich douche buys a strange looking obelisk from a mystery man to put in his loft apartment above his swinging club downstairs so when he brings babes up to shag, they’ll have something wonderful and edgy to look at. Of course, this is the obelisk (The Pillar of Souls) that contains Pinhead and, once he drips a little blood on it, ole Pinhead starts coming to life and promising Douchey Mc90s all of the pleasures of the Other Worlds of Suffering and some such shit, so Mc90s starts bringing up some honeys so Pinhead can feast.

BEFORE:

HELL3B

AFTER:

HELL3D

Eventually, Farrell tracks down Douchey’s ex-squeeze and she shows her The Box which has a long, legitimate name that my disappeared friend Catalin loudly instructed me is called The Lament Configuration. Eventually they head to the club and PInhead gets free and starts killing everyone with those chains that come from nowhere and a bunch of flying, razor sharp compact discs.

HELL3F

We also get some action where Pinhead goes to a church and says some sacrilegious shit that was probably supposed to be all edgy and “OHMYGOD”-y but it was actually kind of funny and then there’s a big finale and the end.

HELL3E

It’s actually been a couple of months since I watched this because I was waiting on someone to deliver something to me to post with this thing so if I got anything wrong I apologize but I doubt it’s going to ruin anyone’s week. I am trying to get through all of these to add to my collection of Population Samples you could always check out in my sidebar if you wanted to but again this is a free world we live in, right? Except for China? Either way, HONK HONK! Let’s move on to number four.

HELLRAISER

HELLRAISER 2

38 comments

  1. I thought this one was mediocre, and the first of lesser Hellraiser films. It started out good, but by the end, having all those new cenobites being created in the goth club – CD discman, video camera monster – it got a little ridiculous. There are a couple of later ones I like, especially the one where Kirsty comes back into the story.

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      • I encased my comment in an intricate puzzle box.

        By the way I’m going to be a funking dick and inform you that the real name of the box is the Lemarchand Configuration after its creator Philip Lemarchand.

        Also, I hate myself

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      • theipc

        So – I went to the web to see which one of these was Hellraiser 5 and I came across this – looks like everyone wins.

        Lemarchand’s box is a fictional lock puzzle or puzzle box appearing in horror stories by Clive Barker, or in works based on his original stories. The best known of these boxes is the Lament Configuration, which features prominently throughout the Hellraiser movie series. This was designed and made by Simon Sayce, one of the original creative team. A Lemarchand’s box is a mystical/mechanical device that acts as a door — or a key to a door — to another dimension or plane of existence.

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  2. The Heretic

    There are only two good things related to this movie; Armored Saint is the bar band, and Clive Barker ended up directing the video for Motorhead’s “Hellraiser”. Outside of that, I thought this movie was poo. I like the first two films, but I still prefer reading Barker’s “The Hellbound Heart”.

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