It’s been a while since I dipped into the Hellraiser pool (you can see the first two entries at the bottom of this post if you were interested. If not – I would totally understand – these aren’t the best movies ever made, plus, I’m kind of dumb – but – out of the three of these I think I liked this one the best so far. Gone is the Queen of Pain AKA The Queen of Bangs and now we look into the lives of a bunch of ’90s douches, their bad hairdos and their terrible outfits, the likes of which I also sported when I was off going to college. OH THE ANGST!! I think I kind of liked this a little better because I like the lead actress, Terry Farrell:
AKA Commander Dax:
Anyway…… Dax Farrell is a reporter hanging out in a hospital one night when some orderlies come running in, screaming like banshees, with a bloody body on a gurney. She follows them to the operating room and witnesses a scene of carnage the likes of which have never been produced before or after in the history of film. Just kidding on that last part but she does get to see the chains and shit that this franchise is fond of and everyone is brutally ripped to pieces.
Elsewhere, a rich douche buys a strange looking obelisk from a mystery man to put in his loft apartment above his swinging club downstairs so when he brings babes up to shag, they’ll have something wonderful and edgy to look at. Of course, this is the obelisk (The Pillar of Souls) that contains Pinhead and, once he drips a little blood on it, ole Pinhead starts coming to life and promising Douchey Mc90s all of the pleasures of the Other Worlds of Suffering and some such shit, so Mc90s starts bringing up some honeys so Pinhead can feast.
BEFORE:
AFTER:
Eventually, Farrell tracks down Douchey’s ex-squeeze and she shows her The Box which has a long, legitimate name that my disappeared friend Catalin loudly instructed me is called The Lament Configuration. Eventually they head to the club and PInhead gets free and starts killing everyone with those chains that come from nowhere and a bunch of flying, razor sharp compact discs.
We also get some action where Pinhead goes to a church and says some sacrilegious shit that was probably supposed to be all edgy and “OHMYGOD”-y but it was actually kind of funny and then there’s a big finale and the end.
It’s actually been a couple of months since I watched this because I was waiting on someone to deliver something to me to post with this thing so if I got anything wrong I apologize but I doubt it’s going to ruin anyone’s week. I am trying to get through all of these to add to my collection of Population Samples you could always check out in my sidebar if you wanted to but again this is a free world we live in, right? Except for China? Either way, HONK HONK! Let’s move on to number four.
I remember watching all these in a day once as a marathon, fun times. I quite like them, but been a long time since then. Good job dude 🙂
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Thanks Ace – I’m happy to see your comments not going to spam!
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Me too, dare I say it, but things are all running smoothly. And Im posting a review tomorrow!!!!!!!!
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sweet!
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Haven’t seen this in a few years. Never a huge fan of the series but thought this was ok
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I didn’t hate it – but not looking forward to jumping for joy on looking at the rest of em.
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Of the rest I’ve seen most of not all. Really bad or just at best ok
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I’ll be skipping this one. Dude with the pins in his face is just too creepy.
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That’s probably not a bad decision – LOL : )
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Good job! Not seen it. Think I’ve seen one of them. Or maybe two. Meh. 🙂
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That’s about how these have gone… MEH : )
I’m actually not really looking forward to the rest of them LOL
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I thought this one was mediocre, and the first of lesser Hellraiser films. It started out good, but by the end, having all those new cenobites being created in the goth club – CD discman, video camera monster – it got a little ridiculous. There are a couple of later ones I like, especially the one where Kirsty comes back into the story.
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I haven’t totally been thrilled with any of these, honestly. Give me hope!
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None will capture the weirdness and hellacious spectacle of the first two, but Clive Barker takes the rains back in one of the later films and puts it back on the right track. Of course, the very last one is a travesty. There is one that starts off on a spaceship and has three stories about ‘The Box’ and where it’s been in the past. I like that one. It might be ‘Bloodlines’ but I can’t remember exactly.
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That’s the next one – I didn’t think it was too bad either..
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Is that the one with the truly embarrassing performance from that Adam Scott guy?
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It is!
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I was about to post a similar thing. CD Man! Oooo, scary. I think the Cenobites are a bit too literal in this one. I prefer the more ambiguous ones from the first film.
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I would agree with that too – they were kind of dumb at the end. I’m currently struggling getting through number 5… Craig Scheffer… OY
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I loved the first one. I need to check out these sequels!
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BE PREPARED FOR PAIN AND SUFFERING THE LIKES OF WHICH YOU HAVE NEVER KNOWN!!
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Says the guy who couldn’t handle INSIDE.
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GROSS………!
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Sorry.. says the BOY
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What the hell’s going on here?? I’ve never been anything but nice to you.
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GRUMPYPUSS IS ON PARADE. ARHAJSLFHJLGGG
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Why the sour puss, Nick???
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The Jews are after me for stealing from The Blacks.
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I SAY!
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By the way – your guest appearance in Three’s Cumpany is tomorrow…
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This one was truly awful. It’s shot like a bad early 90s music video. It doesn’t make any sense either. I’d go as far as to say it’s the worst one in the series and that’s saying something!
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Why did I have to approve these comments?
Weird.
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I encased my comment in an intricate puzzle box.
By the way I’m going to be a funking dick and inform you that the real name of the box is the Lemarchand Configuration after its creator Philip Lemarchand.
Also, I hate myself
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the name of this funking box is more tricky to figure out than opening the funking thing…
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So – I went to the web to see which one of these was Hellraiser 5 and I came across this – looks like everyone wins.
Lemarchand’s box is a fictional lock puzzle or puzzle box appearing in horror stories by Clive Barker, or in works based on his original stories. The best known of these boxes is the Lament Configuration, which features prominently throughout the Hellraiser movie series. This was designed and made by Simon Sayce, one of the original creative team. A Lemarchand’s box is a mystical/mechanical device that acts as a door — or a key to a door — to another dimension or plane of existence.
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I’m pretty sure that box is The Enigma Machine.
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NICE!!
We need to do something with that…
(boobs)
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There are only two good things related to this movie; Armored Saint is the bar band, and Clive Barker ended up directing the video for Motorhead’s “Hellraiser”. Outside of that, I thought this movie was poo. I like the first two films, but I still prefer reading Barker’s “The Hellbound Heart”.
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