Isaacs Picture Conclusions

BITCH SLAP (2010) TWO TOP HATS

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(ANOTHER RETRO)

(look at all of those quotation marks)

Bitch Slap – this is one of the several Grindhouse style films released (usually straight to DVD) over the last few years – I usually love these movies, or attempts, since they recall the old 70s flicks I used to watch on video tape or old HBO late at night while everyone was asleep, during my teens, when I didn’t have to work during the day all week long.  Of the ones I’ve seen, some of better productions of these Nu-Grindhouse films are “Planet Terror”, “Death Proof”,  “The Devil’s Rejects”, “The House of the Devil” and “Piranha 3-d” (granted these had big budgets {except “House”}), and the upcoming “Machete” looks BAD ASS (hopefully Eli Roth will eventually make “Thanksgiving” a full length). Some of the middle of the road jobs include things like “Babysitter Wanted”,  “Run, Bitch, Run” and “Zombie Strippers”, then there are stinkers like “Black Devil Doll”, “Someone’s Knocking at the Door” and this one, “Bitch Slap”.  This movie really aimed at being something more than it really was. The tagline is “Prepare to be slapped” and the rating box reads “Rated R for brutal violence, strong sexual content and language throughout, and brief drug use”. Well –there’s some violence, though nothing really brutal, although the “big fight” between the two leads does take longer than most of the “big fights” in any of the “Rocky” movies. There’s not really any sexual content unless you consider off scene, implied out-of-shot sexuality as “sexuality” (there’s a few chicks kissing and making out, but there is no nudity or fornication). They do cuss like they’re in the “Oz” prison and one of the three leads from the cover takes some sort of red pill three times that makes her just go insane with rage.

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Maybe you are familiar with the “Green Screen” movies like “Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow” or “Sin City”. Perhaps you are familiar with the even more green screen “Spartacus: Blood and Sand” Starz TV show where they aren’t even really trying to make you think it’s not green screen and they just amp up the blood, gore, boobs, weenuses and everything else to distract you from it. “Spartacus” REALLY delivers, and you take it tongue in  cheek that there’s only one real set and everything else is CGI  – more CGI blood than you can shake a stick at and endless naked men and women. I think everyone else that watched it seemed to like it too, since we have a prequel and sequel coming out soon. SO, speaking of “Spartacus”, what we get here is a movie from the director of several “Spartacus” episodes, one of the leads is an actress from several eps, we have Lucy Lawless, Xena Warrior Princess herself and Spartacus alum as nun for two minutes, and one actual set, with the rest of the movie filmed and acted in front of the green screen, to not very impressive results.

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Also – if you look at the poster for this movie, the lead on the right, holding the pick axe is none other than America Olivo, the lead “neighbor” from the MISERABLE “Neighbor”. 0 for 2, lady. While she shows nothing of her “privvies” on screen, she must be showing it to someone to keep getting cast in movies at all – she is not a good actress.  OH – let me not be remiss and forget that we also get Kevin Sorbo’s head in several shots. I am sure that is the price of the rental alone.

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Synopsis: We open to the very nice looking Trixie crawling out of some burning landscape (the only real “set”), forlornly asking “How did it come to this?” What we get next is an hour and 45 minutes of the story told in reverse, interspersed with the three ladies from the poster fighting in the sun, sweating, having a water fight, digging for diamonds, making out, digging again, fighting and cussing each other, fighting and cussing each other and fighting and cussing each other. Eventually everything blows up, there’s a big revelation and it’s finally over. During the fighting and cussing each other, in reverse, we find out that some special ops mission to steal this bomb that eats away carbon (from everything on the planet) goes bad, moles are planted in prison and strip clubs, a degenerate drug dealer is taken hostage, beaten and killed, a nice guy cop tries to help and: a repulsive character with black teeth and Turret’s, along with his non English speaking late-20’s Japanese school girl get thrown into the mix as more baddies. So now we know “How this all came about” and the reveal happens (which you should have seen coming from quite a while back), then it’s over, setting up the natural sequel.

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The green screen work is pretty bad to me. I guess it’s cheaper – you don’t have to deal with real sets and crews, but it just makes the movie look dumb, like the new 3-D. The dialogue just didn’t do it for me,  the Turret’s guy and his girlfriend were lame and the three leads – were nice to look at but terrible actresses. Obviously they were cast to bare their bodies mostly nude, and sure they were good to look at, but their delivery was awful. Speaking of the dialogue, here are some quotes lifter from the IMDB page for “Bitch Slap”. Take note that, Camero is the actress from Neighbor I went on about earlier.

Camero: I’m going to sleigh ride your sorry ass once and for all.

Camero: The bitch is back, baby.

Camero: I’m gonna booty-bang bitch slap your ass until you’re just this side of salvage. Then I’m gonna ram-ride girly’s show tits asunder before I plow both of you bitches under!

Camero: Prepare to come about bitch.

Camero: She’s black hair, blonde box, Hel.

Camero: That’s two you owe me, Blow White.

Camero: Fun’s over with Gage. Next stop, brown town.

Camero: [after killing Gage] So long, limp dick!

Camero: Shut up, ax wound

Camero: [to Kinki] That’s it pop tart! I’m gonna dog-pound you straight to China!

Hel: Open wide psycho slut.

Camero: Lube my boob skank twat.

Trixie: What can I say? We’re all just bitches in the end.

Trixie: [refering to Hel] Well, this is America. She… she’s sexy and loaded, and has high-powered connections.

Gage: [to Trixie] You take orders better than a Bangkok bum boy.

Trixie: 35.34.8.81 N…

Camero: What?

Trixie: Gage wrote it on a photograph – some kind of desert picture from space.

Camero: And what good does that do us?

Hel: They may be vector co-ordinates. You’re sure about those numbers?

Trixie: I’m positive. I have a photo-journalistic memory

Trixie: My God, they’re gonna lock us up forever!

Camero: Shut up, ax wound!

Trixie: [hesitantly] You shut up!

Camero: What did you say?

Hel: Back off, Camero!

Camero: No! Why don’t you let Gland Canyon stick up for herself?

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