A year or so ago I started watching a movie that I think was called “Victim” of which the cover featured a nude woman holding a man’s severed head in her lap, covering up her junk. The movie started with a man raping some young woman and evolved into a pitiful piece of shit so I paused about 30 minutes into it to read about it on IMDB (to see if there was any reason to finish). Apparently, the father of the girl who got raped kidnaps the dude and – are you ready??? – turns him into a woman so he can turn around and fucking rape him. Needless to say that I didn’t finish that but it gave me the idea for the “movies too pitiful to watch” page which in turn turned into the MOST UNCLEAN. I know there’s some movies on there that people like, but it’s my list and my repulsion, love ya.
The first entry I put out there (even though it doesn’t look like it chronologically on the page, but it was) was for Beneath the Mississippi and to that, I wrote the following words:
I hate to be the guy who says that this is the worst movie i have ever seen, but this could possibly the worst film production I have ever seen in my life. To start – the aspect ratio of this changes frequently throughout the entire thing and, since a lot of this is filmed at night, almost everything in this movie looks like a blur, or a smeared fingerprint. FOR REAL, you can kind of make out some people / settings occasionally and the rest of the time they are blurry or “opaque”. Aside from this abomination to our eyes, the sound is equally as terrible. For minutes at a time the dialogue cannot be heard or you might catch a mumble, then suddenly someone screams and it’s so horrible to your ears that it makes you want to cringe and then throw up. Adding to this piece of shit, the music is completely awful: it’s loud one minute, then you can’t hear it and then it pops your ear drums – and this is NOT in sync with the way the dialogue fluctuates.
I can’t really tell you what this is about – i tried to stop watching it twice but thought if i could make it, I could figure out what this plague on my eyes and ears was about. According to the voice over intro, apparently some guy had a kid who married a hooker who killed herself and the kid left town and the Mississippi River flooded and buried the place and killed everyone. So (what I assume is the lead) is some sort of documentary film maker who gets a crew of blurry mumblers together and they set off up the Old Mississippi to figure out what happened. Honestly, while watching this with my eyes, i don’t know what happened next. Apparently, at some point one of their crew goes missing (I think, I must have missed that part) and the boat breaks (I think) and they are paddling around in canoes and snorkling into the muddy water. eventually they either die (I think – I can’t see them) or go crazy and there might be a ghost lurking around somewhere.
Whatever you do, don’t ever watch this as long as you live.
Because I believe in SHITFEST and because I am fucking DEDICATED, I watched this mother fucker again on a much smaller TV to see if things were different scaled down. The answer to that is FUCK NO this movie is a terrible, terrible, terrible, bloody polyp on the bottom of Filmdom’s ass. I STILL have no idea what was going on and this time, using a headset, I could make out sounds of the fucking machinery used to make the movie (Dollies, Foleys) going off in the background. I fucking hate this goddamned movie and I might even hate myself for watching it TWICE. This movie can go fuck itself. Long live Shitfest!