Isaacs Picture Conclusions

SHITFEST 2013: FALL ~ ONLY GOD FORGIVES

SFBANNER8A

BY: THE IPC

theipc1

GODFORGIVESREPENTSINNER

I might take a little heat for this one but – so be it. In any case, here goes:

*spoilers*

More painful and worse than an ingrown hair in your eyebrow, here comes a movie about people staring at each other for an hour and a fucking half. I have actually written about and talked about how I am a guy who actually likes less dialogue in a movie than more, but I would prefer the characters to be fucking DOING SOMETHING. These guys sit around and stare. The stand around and stare. They walk around and stare. They eat dinner and stare. They fight and stare. They stick their hands and their dead mom’s stomach and stare. Then they go get their hands cut off and stare. And there’s two fucking karaoke numbers!!!

GODDOESNOTFORGIVEYOU

I would like for you to stare, unblinking at this picture of Ryan Gosling for 30 minutes and then read below. Thank you.

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

How did that go for you? Did that work out? Well that’s the first thirty minutes and then Gosling’s brother character rapes and murders a teenage girl so the Karoake singing cop allows the father to beat the brother to death and then cuts off the father’s hands for allowing his daughter to become a hooker. So Gosling’s mom comes into town and talks about how much she loved his brother’s enormous and mighty cock and then we get another thirty minutes of this:

GODDOESNOTFORGIVEYOU2

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

Then Gosling challenges the cop to a fistfight by staring at him and then whispering “Wanna fight?” and it really is about as exciting as this:

GODDOESNOTFORGIVEYOU3

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

Then Gosling walks around, very slowly, with unswinging arms and a bunch of make-up effects on his face and soon his mom’s dead so his sticks his hands in her fucking guts and then goes and lets the cop chop of his hands. Excitement!! Yawn, fart, poop. I realize that there’s a bunch of deep symbolism and shit in here but after the trailers sold it as something like Drive with Gosling flipping a gun around and a supposedly intense fight scene, this was a major fucking disappointment that I will not go back and watch again to try and fuckin’ “get it”. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO on this movie. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! BOOOOOOOOOOO!!

As a post script – to make matters even worse, after I wrote this I went to go get a pop downstairs and it literally smelled like some shit their fucking pants in the elevator. I think that’s a sign that this post should win Shitfest Fall!

97 comments

  1. The Heretic

    I couldn’t do the thirty minutes of staring at that dude, I kept thinking that the only thing worse would be a musical called “Stare: The Musical”, except it would probably excruciatingly as lame as the movie you have described. It sounds like they based a movie off of a Family Guy cutaway.

    Like

  2. “talks about how much she loved his brother’s enormous and mighty cock” – I watched Shame the other night – Was Michael Fassbender playing this brother?! πŸ˜‰ I did some staring while watching him in Shame… I must have looked like Ryan Gosling!

    Not seen this but it sounds like the kind of pretentious movies that get on my nerves. Great review! πŸ™‚

    Like

  3. You’re damn right your going to catch heat for this… How dare you, sir. This movie might have been misinterpreted in the trailers, nonetheless is a great achievement in symbolism and shock. The dialogue is intentionally sparse and the performances unfathomably, yet necessarily cold. Refn just keeps getting better and honing his craft. Loved this flick. So, with that in mind, in the immortal words of Julian, portrayed by Mr. Gosling… Wanna fight?

    Lol, just kidding. This is some funny shit, but I meant every word I said. To each his own, I was well aware before Shitfest that you disliked this flick. I just thought we had a mutual understanding that this wasn’t Shitfest material :(. Great post, you surely have a keen eye for humour :).

    Like

  4. YIKES!
    I’d probably agree with that this is a boring pile of crap, but I’m never going to watch this. It does not look interesting to me in the slightest. And that for me validates this choice as a good entry for Shitfest. Nice work dude!

    Like

  5. Well then, I just watched the movie. Thanks for that. Saved me a few minutes. If I wanted to stare at Ryan Gosling for 90 minutes, I’d just go lay on my bed and look at the poster of him I have duct taped to the ceiling. In fact.. I’ll be back in a few..

    Like

  6. I mean, I didnt LOVE it, but I liked it. You know I’m going to tell you that you’re far too harsh, and that karaoke is like a religion over there and a huge deal, but we like what we like. If this wins I will boycott this political voting shambles called Shitfest πŸ™‚

    Like

  7. Tom

    Christ Automatic, this is harsh. . . . . albeit hirarious. (yes, that was an intentional misspelling.) I can’t wait to check it out. .. i think the sheer level of the disgust you have towards it is compelling me even more πŸ˜€

    Like

  8. HAHAHA! That first part about overexcessive staring was similar to my Shitfest entry for Spring.. only it was a really low budget flick. I wouldn’t mind staring at Ryan Gosling over long amount of time but still, too much staring can make this extra long and really hypnotic πŸ˜‰ Great review!

    Like

  9. Am I the only person on earth who doesn’t find Ryan Gosling all that attractive? I think I might be. He looks less interesting than usual in this, though. I don’t think I’ll be adding this to my Netflix queue.

    Like

  10. Pingback: Review: Only God Forgives (2013) | The Sporadic Chronicles of a Beginner Blogger

  11. Pingback: Ten Taste Tests: upcoming releases 2013 | digitalshortbread

  12. Pingback: The 3 Worst Films of 2013 | Oracle of Film

  13. Pingback: Top Ten Boners of 2013: The IPC | The Sporadic Chronicles of a Beginner Blogger

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: