BY: THE IPC
I might take a little heat for this one but – so be it. In any case, here goes:
*spoilers*
More painful and worse than an ingrown hair in your eyebrow, here comes a movie about people staring at each other for an hour and a fucking half. I have actually written about and talked about how I am a guy who actually likes less dialogue in a movie than more, but I would prefer the characters to be fucking DOING SOMETHING. These guys sit around and stare. The stand around and stare. They walk around and stare. They eat dinner and stare. They fight and stare. They stick their hands and their dead mom’s stomach and stare. Then they go get their hands cut off and stare. And there’s two fucking karaoke numbers!!!
I would like for you to stare, unblinking at this picture of Ryan Gosling for 30 minutes and then read below. Thank you.
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How did that go for you? Did that work out? Well that’s the first thirty minutes and then Gosling’s brother character rapes and murders a teenage girl so the Karoake singing cop allows the father to beat the brother to death and then cuts off the father’s hands for allowing his daughter to become a hooker. So Gosling’s mom comes into town and talks about how much she loved his brother’s enormous and mighty cock and then we get another thirty minutes of this:
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Then Gosling challenges the cop to a fistfight by staring at him and then whispering “Wanna fight?” and it really is about as exciting as this:
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Then Gosling walks around, very slowly, with unswinging arms and a bunch of make-up effects on his face and soon his mom’s dead so his sticks his hands in her fucking guts and then goes and lets the cop chop of his hands. Excitement!! Yawn, fart, poop. I realize that there’s a bunch of deep symbolism and shit in here but after the trailers sold it as something like Drive with Gosling flipping a gun around and a supposedly intense fight scene, this was a major fucking disappointment that I will not go back and watch again to try and fuckin’ “get it”. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO on this movie. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! BOOOOOOOOOOO!!
As a post script – to make matters even worse, after I wrote this I went to go get a pop downstairs and it literally smelled like some shit their fucking pants in the elevator. I think that’s a sign that this post should win Shitfest Fall!
I understand the hate for this movie that most people had but I really liked it and all its symbolisms. Your right the trailer does this movie no justice. Great stuff very funny.
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Thanks Issy – I hated this fucking thing…
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Issy, I agree with you; i liked it, as well. We can’t expect for everyone to “get it”…
LOL, Isaacs! 🙂
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Especially dumbasses like me!
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LOL
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I agree with you Issy, Nicolas Refn made the film he wanted to make, filled with metaphor and symbolism, something I found a deep and refreshing alternative to anything I have seen in years. It was the studio that marketed the movie as a main stream action film, something it certainly isn’t and that is truly unforgivable.
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My god, sir! You are a philistine, a boor and a charlatan!! Have you no class? 😉
I take it this was the post you said I wouldn’t be happy with?
Boat Drinks!
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This is the one – I was afraid you’d be sending over a boat full of Scotsmen to take me down… : (
Boat Drinks!
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Has that fucking boat not arrived yet?. They bastards are hopeless. 😉
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HAHAHAHAHA!!!
(not yet)
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Bwahahahahaha! Awesome write up. I really have to get around to seeing this to understand why film-goers are so completely divided.
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I would LOVE to get your thoughts on this thing…
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Alright, alright. I will get onto it. Maybe this weekend 🙂
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SWEET!!
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I think audiences are split due to the fact that the film was marketed as an action movie, (which is isnt) and also due to the fact people were expecting DRIVE 2. Only God Forgives is an uneasy watch that forces you to work hard. Its metaphor madness and drenched in symbolism. A real art house picture if ever Ive seen one and I truly loved it, although repeat viewings are accentually to fully understand its meaning.
My Review: http://www.moviereviewworld.com/movie-review/only-god-forgives-review/
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I didn’t see previews or anything of it and didn’t see any marketing, so I had no ideas. I watched Drive just before it, and only realized later it was the same director.
Will definitely check out your review. I am interested because people truly are so divided, so I have been having a ball seeing what some people liked and others didn’t! 🙂
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I couldn’t do the thirty minutes of staring at that dude, I kept thinking that the only thing worse would be a musical called “Stare: The Musical”, except it would probably excruciatingly as lame as the movie you have described. It sounds like they based a movie off of a Family Guy cutaway.
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If you couldn’t stare at that picture for thirty minutes you probably shouldn’t give this one a go, I can’t emphasize enough how much Refn lingers on people staring off into the distance. Still – a lot of people like this movie.
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It seems like it would be a good movie for Rifftrax (the same people that brought us MST3K).
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In my opinion it would be….
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“talks about how much she loved his brother’s enormous and mighty cock” – I watched Shame the other night – Was Michael Fassbender playing this brother?! 😉 I did some staring while watching him in Shame… I must have looked like Ryan Gosling!
Not seen this but it sounds like the kind of pretentious movies that get on my nerves. Great review! 🙂
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I haven’t seen Shame but I am assuming Fassbender goes around with his schlong out and about? That doesn’t sound like something I need to be on the lookout for.
This is a pretentious mother fucker, that’s for sure. I bet you would hate it.
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Yes, the schlong is definitely out and about!
Ryan Gosling better make something good again QUICK.
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NASTY!
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Carey Mulligan is fully nude as well…
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Wait hold up! Mulligan nude? Where do I sign up?
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You should check out Shame, mikeyb! You’d probably like it. Good film. But Eric can’t see past the schlong. (Well, it WOULD be hard to see past this one…)
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I am watching American Mary and I just had to see a long, pierced, infected schlong. It so ruined my day.
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I need to see this schlong that everyone is talking about. I’m a bit scared though, don’t want it making me feel small!
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If that’s the case about Fassbender in that movie, I think Brian will love it!! lol.
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LOL – nice : )
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Thank you for doing this movie. Someone had to. Utter garbage.
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IT HAD TO BE DONE!! Someone had to tell the truth.
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Damn it, Luke, we were already subjected to Isaac’s shitty review! Don’t come on here spewing more garbage!! 🙂
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This movie is pitiful – Luke is spot on despite your subtle hints for him to change his mind!
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You’re damn right your going to catch heat for this… How dare you, sir. This movie might have been misinterpreted in the trailers, nonetheless is a great achievement in symbolism and shock. The dialogue is intentionally sparse and the performances unfathomably, yet necessarily cold. Refn just keeps getting better and honing his craft. Loved this flick. So, with that in mind, in the immortal words of Julian, portrayed by Mr. Gosling… Wanna fight?
Lol, just kidding. This is some funny shit, but I meant every word I said. To each his own, I was well aware before Shitfest that you disliked this flick. I just thought we had a mutual understanding that this wasn’t Shitfest material :(. Great post, you surely have a keen eye for humour :).
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You know, Joseph. After the initial viewing I thought “Well, this was nothing, how disappoitning.” And then I thought more and more about it and came to hate it’s fucking cold, dead guts.
And – no, I don’t wanna fight. You’re young and could probably take me down in – say – 18 seconds. I have a Shitfest to finish. And, in the event I got lucky, you have a responsibility to tell me how The Sacrament went…
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Lol, fair enough. I’ll be sure to let you know how The Sacrament went when I see it tomorrow night :). We cool?
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Of course, my friend! Of course – can’t wait to see what you think : )
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I fully agree Joseph and as much as I love the film I still couldn’t help but laugh at the review. Hilarious stuff 😛
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HA HA HA : ) thanks!
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Those pictures display the range of Ryan Gosling’s acting ability perfectly.
However, I would go see a movie called “The Karaoke Singing Cop.”
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Remember how much you liked the trailer for this? It’s worse.
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The trailer actually did provide me with some hefty guffaws at it’s sheer hokeyness.
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hefty guffaws – one of the finest word combos in the English language…
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Next to “heaving bosom.”
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………………………………………
………………………………..yes………………….
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Brian would only go see The Karaoke Singing Cop if Richard Benjamin was playing the lead. 🙂
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lol
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Whilst this post did make me giggle like a schoolgirl, I have to disagree with you on this one. I enjoyed Only God Forgives, but that could be because I’m a pretentious ass.
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LOL : )
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No that’s b/c you have a brain. LOL, Isaacs! 🙂
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I’m not reading this because of spoilers, but it strikes me as a brave entry into Shitfest!
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: )
I’m mixing it up!
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I think the reason why I didn’t mind this as much as everybody else was because I sort of expected a high-level of insanity. That said, it is a strange movie. Good review.
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Thanks!
I was so disappointed with this….
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YIKES!
I’d probably agree with that this is a boring pile of crap, but I’m never going to watch this. It does not look interesting to me in the slightest. And that for me validates this choice as a good entry for Shitfest. Nice work dude!
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THANKS SMASH!!!
This one sucked it.
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*agree with you
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I owe your Rumplestilskin entry a read; will be playing ketchup with everyone’s entries this week. 🙂
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The comments on this are almost better than the hilarious review. Almost.
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LOL – AWESOME!! I LOVE the comments that come through here during Shitfest : )
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Well then, I just watched the movie. Thanks for that. Saved me a few minutes. If I wanted to stare at Ryan Gosling for 90 minutes, I’d just go lay on my bed and look at the poster of him I have duct taped to the ceiling. In fact.. I’ll be back in a few..
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Have fun!!
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Don’t lie, it’s a pic of me stud.
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LOL
Nude on a bearskin rug!
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He’d better not have any pics of Canadians on the wall!! 🙂
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Booooo!!! I protest. I watched this again for the third time a week ago and I liked it even more. Of course I was naked drinking a Slurpee through the entire film…but still, I liked it.
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Naked?? Slurpees??? What the fuck’s going on up there???
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I haven’t read your review, as I want to watch the movie unspoiled. But for the sake of being polite, great review!! 😀
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HA!! THANKS!!
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A movie truly worthy of the Shitfest moniker. I doubt you will find anyone that likes this film… I can’t even read every one else’s comments because I will not waste on more moment on this shitfilm.
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This comment should win Shitfest…!
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I like this film 🙂
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Ryan Gosling’s in it ? I’ll take it ! ! Fu fu fu
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: )
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I mean, I didnt LOVE it, but I liked it. You know I’m going to tell you that you’re far too harsh, and that karaoke is like a religion over there and a huge deal, but we like what we like. If this wins I will boycott this political voting shambles called Shitfest 🙂
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I just checked our contract and, looking at all the clauses, I have concluded that: 1) after everything we’ve been through and 2) everything I’ve done for you; you are obligated for all SHITFEST activities.
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Fucking smallprint always catches me out 😦
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If I have to work hard to comprehend a movie, it should be trippy and fun, not guts and incest. Unless it’s from Japan.
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LOL – exactly!
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Christ Automatic, this is harsh. . . . . albeit hirarious. (yes, that was an intentional misspelling.) I can’t wait to check it out. .. i think the sheer level of the disgust you have towards it is compelling me even more 😀
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LOL – I look forward to your thoughts!
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A lot of people hate this film, want to really see why. Am sure your not wrong though 😀
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HAHAHA! That first part about overexcessive staring was similar to my Shitfest entry for Spring.. only it was a really low budget flick. I wouldn’t mind staring at Ryan Gosling over long amount of time but still, too much staring can make this extra long and really hypnotic 😉 Great review!
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Hold on, I’m going to stare for 30 minutes before writing a comment……
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How did that work out for you?
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Pretty good; just got done!
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Am I the only person on earth who doesn’t find Ryan Gosling all that attractive? I think I might be. He looks less interesting than usual in this, though. I don’t think I’ll be adding this to my Netflix queue.
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It was awful…!!
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I’ve avoided this like the plague after having to sit through Drive not once but TWICE for you and Tyty. Ugh, seriously. ;-p
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Terrible friggin movie. Artistic sure but awful. Nice review!
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Thank you!!
Thanks for reading!!
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