BY: HARD TICKET TO HOME VIDEO
2) Although the movie is about as pleasant to watch as the scat fetish porn your grandmother made with the 1983 East German Rugby Team, its marketing campaign was memorable and fun, highlighted by billboards featuring sayings such as, “His foot is as big as this sign.” However, the ultimate piece of marketing came from the drug psychosis-rotted minds of director Roland Emmerich and producer Dean Devlin. While taking turns snorting angel dust out of each other’s rectums and clamping live crabs to each other’s genitals, Devlin and Emmerich devised the idea in the following conversation, which was recorded by the Aborigine slave Emmerich kept in his office to chew off his toenails when they got too long for Emmerich to operate his movie camera with:
DEVLIN: OK, so to market this thing, we need something BIG! Because this movie is BIG! and it’s subject is BIG! Because… what’s this movie about again?
EMMERICH: Some kind of giant iguana. Rodsillow or something. Based on some Japany thing. I don’t know. Who cares what it’s based on?
DEVLIN: Were those movies popular? Do they have fans that would be upset if we changHAHAHAHAHAAA!! *takes long snort*
EMMERICH: HAHAHAHA!!! You almost had me going there! … Hey, you know these crabs are telling me that they refuse to pinch your scrotum anymore because they’re killing too many of their pubic brethren…
DEVLIN: THAT’S IT! Our giant iguana will have babies, like pubic crabs, but Mopgillnose will be asexual! There’s no way nobody won’t like that! Add that to the script!
EMMERICH: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA!!! SCRIPT??!! *takes extremely long snort* You’re on fire tonight my friend. You know I don’t use scripts. I just make this bullshit up as I go along based on various hallucinations I have during autoerotic asphyxiation.
DEVLIN: Oh, right. How stupid of me. I hate myself. Hand me that Russian roulette gun. *click* Damn.
EMMERICH: I don’t know why you always want to kill yourself so badly. We sold our souls to that Turkish demon in exchange for Independence Day’s success, remember? We’re in for an afterlife of being assaulted by fiery barbed penises that will make this crab thing seem like and Aboriginal toenail massage.
DEVLIN: I just wish it was all over and there was nothing left but the dark emptiness I feel inside. I swear I can see it when I take a piss…
EMMERICH: *long snort* Wait, you feel something?? Incredible…
DEVLIN: *sobbing snort* *click* Damn… All right, back to business. What do we have for this movie so far? Giant iguana. Unlikable, wimpy protagonist. Horrible love interest. Random French-man. What else do we need?
EMMERICH: MORE ANGEL DUST! *sound of pounds of powder hitting a wooden desk*
DEVLIN: YES!! I am digging a tunnel through there with my eyeballs!
EMMERICH: Wait! That’s brilliant! We’ll have the giant iguana evade the military and dig tunnels through Manhattan and no one will be able to find it even though it’s a 200-foot tall monster!
DEVLIN: *sounds of voice muffled through powder* AMAZING! It makes absolutely zero sense but that’s why I love it and the fans will love it too!
EMMERICH: And if they don’t, who gives a shit?!
DEVLIN: Precisely! … wait, giant monster… fans… shit… that gives me the ultimate marketing idea!!!
EMMERICH: If I had a heart it would have stopped! What is it??
DEVLIN: We hold like a contest, right, for the biggest Slobthrilla fans in the world, then invite the top 50 fans to Times Square where we’ll have a life-size animatronic of the monster built at the cost of millions but we’ll just throw it away right after, then we’ll have them all stand in a group, and the giant iguana’s foot will stomp the hell out of them. THEN, we’ll wheel the contraption around, and it will spray actual iguana diarrhea all over them!!!! *click* Damn.
EMMERICH: BRILLIANT! THEY’LL LOVE IT BECAUSE WE’RE DOING IT AND WE CAN GET AWAY WITH ANYTHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII *this goes on for exactly 9 minutes and 37 seconds, unbroken, then a gunshot is heard and the tape stops*
Devlin and Emmerich went through with their marketing plan, inviting 50 winners of the trivia contest, who were eager fans of the Toho Godzilla and knew little about the Hollywood version but were excited, to Times Square to be ironically stomped on and shit upon. Then they were all given a screening of the film, and the survivors all agreed that that was the worst part of their day.