(REMEMBER – IN CASE YOU WERE OFF PAYING YOUR TITHES AND HAVING A SUNDAY AFTERNOON PICNIC – DON’T FORGET TO LOOK AT YESTERDAY’S BEAUTIFUL ENTRY TOO HERE)
BY: SMASHING THROUGH LIFE
The cover for this movie was scary to me back then in the 90’s when I was a kid. And I remember having nightmares for weeks after we watched it. I also vaguely remember that it was a really shitty movie. What better opportunity to face down an old foe than Fall Shitfest?
The movie starts with this hideous looking dude Rumpelstiltskin who is a real bastard apparently because he tried to take a baby from some wench in the 1400’s. Supposedly, it was promised to him because he spun some gold. A bunch of angry villagers chase him down. A witch defeats him with some black magic voodoo bullshit and knowing his name. She traps him in a jade statue for 1000 years. It’s an ugly motherfucking statue too. So it gets tossed in the ocean. Yeah, it’s that kind of movie.
Suddenly, we’re in Los Angeles in the mid-90’s. Some stupid pregnant bitch is boo hoo-ing over the loss of her husband. They bury the hubby, she has the baby, and she’s still a major fucking sad-sack. So her gross annoying friend takes her into this goddamn creepy antique store that’s run by some haggard old woman with grey hair, a.k.a. a witch I presume. Because all old crusty grey haired ladies are witches. In movies and in life, don’t you ever forget it kiddies.
There’s an exchange between our heroine and the witch about buying some fugly statue. I can’t remember it word for word, but I’m pretty sure this is almost exactly how it went:
“That’s not for sale. The motherfucking evil stored up inside there will get you! But you can make wishes on it and they’ll totally come true fo sho, so I guess that’s pretty cool.” — the witch
“What the fuck do you know? Shut the hell up and sell me the fucking statue.” — the dumb as dirt heroine of this crappy movie
So after all that warning the witch lets her buy the statue anyway because she’s a dumb fucking whore. Not gunna heed that warning? Ah well, fuck you. Buy the statue, that’ll learn ya.
She gets the statue home and makes her pathetic little wish to feel her husband’s boner mushroom tattooing her face one last time. And what do you know? Hubby comes back from the dead! Not even thinking for a second to question this miracle, this chick just lets him right back into her cooter. I know you’re grief-stricken and everything, but damn woman, think this shit over! Especially when the first thing he says is “You’re not dreaming, I’m real, your wish came true” all suspicious like. That’s all he has to say and they start getting it on like they’re acting out scenes from some grimy drugstore romance novel.
I’m just guessing based on the dimly lit shots of writhing calves and sensual back rubbing that follows, but the sex didn’t even look like it was good. A three pump chump from the look of it. What a waste of a wish. Better off wishing for a box of wet donuts, she would have gotten more satisfaction out of that.
A couple hours later, hubby is showering off all the sweat and love juices from a night of pitifully performed fucking from beyond the grave. Thinking she’s going to break herself off another piece of that dirty dick, our heroine heads into the bathroom and opens the shower door.
It’s not hubby! It’s RUMPELSTILTSKIN!
Ewwww! She was actually boning the monster! That is just so nasty. It wasn’t even a cool monster either, it was a horrible, humpbacked little troll that supposedly eats babies. And eyeballs. He ate an eyeball during the movie too. I think the inspiration for his “look” came from someone just looking down at their dink while they were bored on the can one day. And to top it all off, he’s not even wearing a duster. For shitsakes, if you want to be a scary monster you have to wear a duster! Or a workman’s jumpsuit at least. Instead he wears this limp little jester’s hat and it is just so sad. But, thinking about it some more, the hat probably covers up a cleft in the top of his head that makes him resemble a penis even more and he’s probably pretty self-conscious about that. So I guess the hat makes sense now. But it’s still not scary.
Rumpelforeskin tells the mom that she has to give him the baby or guess his name and that’s the bottom line. Jesus, it’s like the script for this thing was written by a toddler! She doesn’t want to give up the baby so she kicks him in the stones and fights him off with a broom for a bit before getting away.
From here the whole thing devolves into a struggle between the hapless heroine and the icky little penis monster. He wants the baby so he can suck it’s life out. She wants the baby so she can smother the shit out of it with over-attentiveness and guilt, thus ensuring no other woman will ever be able to make him happy. I kind of feel like the baby loses no matter how this plays out. She learns the name of the penis monster eventually and blah blah blah good wins over evil. Rumpelforeskin gets turned into a statue again. Then some goon in a very patriotic jacket chucks the statue into a lake. Just to make sure, you know, that this never happens again. Even though that’s exactly how he was defeated in the 1400’s and managed to come back. But don’t break what ain’t fixed, right?
Oh, and at some point a bulldozer crashes into a telephone pole which results in the most poorly done electrocution scene ever.
The thing that really burns me up about this movie is that it thinks it’s good. But it just wasn’t. They try so fucking hard to make you care about the characters. Trying to tear-jerk with the whole “pregnant lady loses her honorable cop husband in the line of duty” shtick. The concept is horrible, the acting is laughable, the monster looks like a scarred up old wang that’s taken too many bad beats (heh heh), and the special effects were probably done in somebody’s garage on a lazy Sunday afternoon.
This is the most gag-inducing piece of runny-ass cat shit ever to pass itself off as a movie.
But hey, those of you that know me know that I’m an optimist. And I’ll be damned if I’m going to come out of this so called “viewing experience” with nothing to show for it. At least I learned two very valuable life lessons from these past 90 minutes of my life gone by:
1) Don’t buy shit from an antique store that the witch behind the counter specifically told you is evil
2) Don’t bang people who’ve come back from the dead because it’s probably Rumpelforeskin and he’s a real lousy lay