Isaacs Picture Conclusions

SHITFEST 2013: FALL ~ HANSEL AND GRETEL GET BAKED

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BY: THE HERETIC

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HANSEL AND GRETEL GET BAKED

HANDGGETBAKED

I was going to review the remake of “Evil Dead”, but I just couldn’t stomach another hour or so to the point that I would want to hunt the entire cast, crew, and director, lock them all in a padded room and force them to watch “Garbage Pail Kids” on a never ending loop while the rest of the world forgets about them. Since I don’t feel like going to prison nor really want to put in the effort for this plan, we’ll have to settle with this review.

 I don’t know what Cary Elwes had to do as payback for whatever horrible favor he must have asked of either the director or producer of this film, but it must have been pretty bad. The man doesn’t even have this film on his list of acting credits on IMDB or Wikipedia.

“Hansel & Gretel Get Baked” is a comedy-horror film that manages to traverse in many untapped comedy and horror bonanzas. From the clichéd title that acts as if no one has ever thought to make a pot/marijuana reference out of a fable or fairy tale. I mean…what? George Carlin clearly couldn’t have done something like that on his comedy album “Toledo Window Box” (1971), or Cheech and Chong on their “Wedding Album” (1974) and “Sleeping Beauty” (1976) albums. You would also think that you were in for a comedy bonanza of epic pot reference proportions with just the title alone.

Unfortunately this film is just your average run-of-the-mill slasher flick sprinkled in mediocrity, shame, plastic surgery (c/o Lara Flynn Boyle’s face) and just a dash of racist stereotypes that only one of the producers of Twishite could offer the world. There isn’t much in the way of humor…actually there isn’t any humor whatsoever. It is just random lines and other stupid shit that makes you feel like you are sitting next to some drooling moron who would point at the screen whenever a pot reference or another reference that has been regurgitated in to a pot reference just for him to shout “GET IT!” right in your ear.

Some of you might be asking,

“Well, what untapped comedy bonanza could this film offer?”

All while everyone is staring at you as if you have just released some horrendous gas that is eschewing out of your mouth.

It doesn’t have any type of comedy, just the same rehashed, lame, regurgitated pot references that every current stoner comedy has. The funny part is that it all happens within the first few minutes of the movie, and then that is it. It’s as if everyone making this film wasn’t sure if they should do a full-on comedy or just stick with horror, but still chose to go with the latter because no one from the writers, directors, and actors (including that guy from Scary Movie) literally have no talent for comedy. That, or they just cannot BE funny when the cameras are rolling.

It’s just the same bullshit as lesser grade slasher and horror movie writers can think of, or the people who made the Twishite movies. It is either Nazi warlocks or witches; that same fairy tale/fable pot-innuendo shit that has been done better by either George Carlin, Cheech and Chong, Andrew Dice Clay, etc.; humor embedded dialog in non-horror scenes that are so flat not even a defibrillator could help it; cutesy, rude, children whose dialog seems like their parents/guardians wouldn’t allow them to curse/swear on-screen; and a whole slew of useless bullshit that renders tons of films pointless.

The urban/Latino gangster characters in the film are completely insulting. I have watched this film twice and I am still wondering whether or not the director or producer actually sat there on the set during filming and shouting for them to keep doing take after take until they sounded like the stereotypes they wanted the actors to portray. It literally reminds me of a particular scene from the film “Hollywood Shuffle”, that is how bad it is to me. This film singlehandedly makes every Troma film in their entire filmography look like Oscar contenders.

What is also funny is that the thing that is supposed to be the center of the attention of this film really isn’t. It is like the whole pot thing was brought in as an after thought while they were filming a horror remake (because we totally haven’t seen a fucking ton of those recently) of the same fairy tale that has been done several fucking times, including the most recent incarnated abomination…hmmm…those last two words almost sound like a Carcass song title, I’m going to have to jot that one down for later.

This is going to be mean, but there is no beating the around the bush with this one: is Lara Flynn Boyle purposely getting plastic surgery after every film? Her scenes are the most unnerving to watch! Which is sad if you think about it. Her face is the scariest thing throughout the movie. From the way it contorts to when she smiles or makes a face to come off scary, but is already that way thanks to whatever plastic surgeon she is seeing.

There is one thing I liked about this movie. When the white girl and the stereotyped, Latin, gangster girl were trapped in a cage that was being guarded by a demonic Doberman Pincer with glowing red eyes. One of them mentions Greek tragedy and about Cerberus the dog from “Hell” being lulled to sleep by singing. So stereotype girl decides to go first because she proclaims to be a great singer, and then she starts hardcore rapping (or whatever the writers of this movie take for it) which makes the dog angrier. The other girl turns to her and goes “That’s not singing!” which makes it the best statement I have ever heard and the only scene in this movie that is worth a shit. If they only offered just this scene to watch I would praise the shit out of this movie. Unfortunately it’s still crap, so that isn’t happening.

If I have to suggest a horror film using the title “Hansel & Gretel” I will have to go with the South Korean film that I have mentioned on my blog. It is just a superior horror movie based off of this particular fairy tale, and also has some awesome plot twists.

If you want GOOD horror-comedies that are current I suggest the following:

The Cottage (with Andy Serkis)

Doghouse (with Stephen Graham)

Fido (with Billy Connolly)

Botched (with Stephen Dorf)

and

Grabbers (which a fellow blogger reviewed)

25 comments

  1. Well, I can’t argue a point why this should not be in shitfest but I will say I did enjoy the gore effects, especially when grandma eats the eyeball 🙂 It’s entrenched in B-Movie-Fodder-land and I assume you have no love for B-horror. What is really amazing is I didn’t know it was Lara Flynn Boyle until the end credits. She and Dylan McDermot were 2 young lawyers in a show I used to watch called The Practice. Dylan looks almost exactly the same – age is not kind to women. It really is sad

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      • And that is the scary part of the movie, I don’t know why none of you can see that. The horror is waiting inside us all… waiting to take over and make us old and mis-shapened.
        Where is Mistylane? I need someone on my side here – I just reviewed this film as a Middle of the Road film and all of you are saying its a Bottom of the Barrel film… or maybe not even in the barrel.

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      • theipc

        I haven’t seen it ( and have no desire to). I am off today having a fence repaired and, instead of this, I choose John Dies at the End again…

        Like

  2. GaryLee828

    Wow, I do not understand who puts forth the funds to produce films like this. I mean think about it for a second – how do the actors and the director react after shooting each scene. “Brilliant job on that scene – I think we’ve really got something here!” They have to know the movie is shit even while shooting it, so therefore why bother.

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    • theipc

      I know… these things baffle me…

      I’m sure you’re concerned – so here’s an update: my FF team lost yesterday by .15 points. Three of my starters went out with injuries. Eddie Lacy, Andre Johnson and Reggie Bush. SO FRUSTRATING.

      Like

      • GaryLee828

        LOL. I know; last minute I benched Vick to play Pryor b/c Pryor was going against Jax and rushing yards are worth a lot more than passing. I thought Pryor would rush for at least 100 yards, but Jax is so bad Pryor didn’t even need to run. lol. I left some comments on your Only God Forgives entry. Have fun! And yeah man, injuries really dilute the fun of fantasy football b/c you don’t even get the chance to see how your picks do. This week was horrific! Hopefully they all come back soon.

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  3. I would’ve added a comment yesterday, but GTA V happened!! Anyhoo, now I’ve shot some gangsters in the face, I’m free again.

    RE: Lara Flynn Boyle. Seems like it’s plastic surgery that’s really been her undoing. I think she would’ve aged quite elegantly, and would’ve still looked good with a few lines on her face.

    P.S. Cary Elwes does have this film listed on his IMDB page. Maybe he read this review, and thought, “Ah shit, somebody found the movie and watched it! Better add it to my IMDB credits, I s’pose… grumble, grumble…” 😉

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