BY: DIGITAL SHORTBREAD
PARANOIA
Release: Thursday, August 15, 2013
[Theater]
I’d like to plead the fifth to any questions raised concerning whether I just went to see this for Amber Heard. I mean, come on guys. It’s also got Liam Hemsworth in it — you know, that strapping gentleman from The Hunger Games, real-life brother of Thor, hello? And this movie also features huge A-listers in Harrison Ford and Gary Oldman. Why anyone would ask me whether she was the reason I saw Paranoia is actually pretty logical, though. There are scant reasons other than her to see this. To be delicate, this movie leaves only nine other spots on a theoretical list I’m making of the Ten Worst Films I’ve Ever Seen. The script for this supposed crime-drama is that bad, it really is.
As always, I got ahead of myself and checked the status of the upcoming movie on Rotten Tomatoes before going in and what I saw really shocked me. As limited as the marketing was backing up Luketic’s new project, the trailers had me believing we would be getting a cool new action thriller. Oldman in another sinister role, awesome. How the film would qualify for my “list of ten worst films” considering the disappointing little you get from a cast as good as this. It is stunning how terrible the dialogue is for much of the movie, and a lot of the time the plot doesn’t make sense. While there are moments that invite your eyes to widen a little bit as if you’re ready to change facial expressions, the vast majority of Paranoia is utterly, utterly flat and boring.
(I’m actually patting myself on the back for not walking out on this.)
But yet, there was some. . .quality to this film remaining that managed to keep me there, along with, I guess, the other six people who were in my theater. Despite director Robert Luketic’s seeming incompetence to provide anything but cliches to fill the time, the presence of Oldman, Ford and to a lesser degree, Hemsworth, were a bit compelling.
Some semblance of a plot is as follows:
Adam Cassidy (Hemsworth) is a bright, hard-working 27-year old fighting in the corporate world to get ahead and earn a job that will finally pay him his dues. His status and work ethic suggest advancement but his boss, the insufferable Nick Wyatt (Oldman), insists he’s nothing special. He proves it by firing him along with his team of brainiac friends after a presentation Adam was giving failed to impress a distracted Mr. Wyatt. Adam then takes his friends out for drinks as an apology for his pushiness which led to their firings, but he also uses the leftover allowance on his corporate credit card to pay for the night. Win-win, or so he thinks.
Wyatt bargains with him when he discovers $16k has been spent the night of his dismissal, and during one of the only good scenes in this entire yawn-a-thon, Oldman’s menacing temperament is shown. He tells Adam he is going to work for his rival company — Eikon, run by his former partner, Jock Goddard (Ford) — and gain valuable inside information for Wyatt’s personal gain. Even if the plot is unremarkable in that regard, there wasn’t much of a chance to enjoy the development since Luketic insisted the movie be dumbed down as possible.
It was like a spelling bee First Round, where the words are very easy and simple and everyone gets it correctly — that’s how this script passed by editors, got approval. Inexplicably, the likes of Ford, Oldman and Hemsworth, and even Amber Heard as the potential love interest for Adam, a very on-again/off-again Emma Jennings, who didn’t have much to say but what she did have to say was utterly bland — all these people agreed to what they read! It is tough to understand unless you watch this, but that’s a thing that I absolutely insist you do not do.
As Adam receives a “make-over” of sorts from a couple of Wyatt’s corporate malefactors, Dr. Bolton (Embeth Davidtz) and “Meechum” (Julian McMahon) — this is an attempt to integrate Adam into the image that would attract Eikon to hire him which really is mostly just unbelievable — he is erstwhile attempting to look more divided about the situation he is in. Hemsworth does his best in expressing it, but his character is a dumb dog following its commands. In moments he’s meant to be expressing his *ehem* paranoia . . . he ends up just looking confused or annoyed. Not his fault, though. There’s really nothing to react to most of the time.
The plan is to get a hold of an advanced phone technology being developed by the genius but selfish Goddard, and Wyatt uses Adam to physically steal the next-level device from its heavily-protected chamber on the 38th floor of the building. Yes, all that familiar rigamarole. Insisting Adam’s services have been sufficiently provided and that he will not continue doing his former boss’ dirty work, he tells Wyatt that he’s done, he’s out. Unfortunately, more bad movie ensues.
Half-heartedly acted, poorly edited and with simply nothing at all to distinguish itself from the ranks of other crime-drama thrillers revolving around technological one-upmanship, Paranoia is a kick to the stomach thinking about the wasted potential. Perhaps there were things going on behind the scenes that contributed to the film’s rather hushed promotion and subsequent release, and which may explain possible on-set awkwardness that allowed the film to come out as clumsy as it has. Mere speculation on my part, but I just hope there’s something else besides Luketic simply producing a complete and total misfire here.
Recommendation: Stay away. A complete let-down, even for me as I sat down thinking how much fun this is going to be to try and defy the odds of it being grossly under appreciated in the initial reviews. Even with fake expectations, I came out still. . . disappointed.
Rated: PG-13
Running Time: 106 mins.
In fairness, it turns out Hemsworth was going through a divorce at the time. Maybe it was too hard to twer…WORK! I mean work!
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hahah!!! thats funny, i did not know about that. makes this movie seem all the more of a cash grab for him, then.
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You lost me at a 27 year old thinking he should be paid his dues.
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hahah yeah the entire premise is dumb. not to mention boring beyond all belief.
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What is this big obsession everyone seems to have with Amber Heard? I mean she’s pretty and all but is there some special magic that I am just not seeing?
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Ha! So it is not just me missing something in this regard then!
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She’s just hot right now and people keep looking to see if she’ll show her boobs… She’s not a very good actress with some sort of wide range or anything…
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One of the differences between men and women is that no man will ever be truly satisfied until he has seen every boob in the world. Which is why no man will ever be satisfied. Women just need to see Chris Hemsworth’s bum, which can be achieved by seeing Rush.
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*traces a circle on the desk with finger, replies meekly*
but boobs are fun….
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I am married to a major boob enthusiast… I have heard all the arguments…
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HAHAHAHAHA!! Awesome!!
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I thought she already did in “The Informers”…
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Oh man… a Gary Oldman movie in Shitfest, I never thought I’d see the day. That just ripped a tiny little piece of my heart out. But this does sound like it was really boring. And a bald Harrison Ford isn’t helping matters.
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Oh my god, Smash, have you never seen Tiptoes???? One of the suckiest movies ever… Oldman plays a, what’s the right word these days? He’s like two feet tall… It’s awful…
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No, I’ve actually never seen or heard of that movie. But I just checked it out on imdb and it sounds like a real classic!
I’m going to watch it and write to the academy to demand a belated award for Oldman.
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It’s H-O-R-R-I-B-L-E
Don’t blame me when your eyes melt out of your head…
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hahah Smash, that’s funny you bring that up. I recall thinking the same thing walking out of the movie — how this could have been so bad with stars like Oldman and Ford in it. i guess it is a little sad his name is now included with Shitfest, but that’s not entirely his fault.
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Lost in Space anyone? Old man has done his fair share of shit!
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Good point mikey…..Dark Knight, Dark Knight Rises. . . jesus. the man’s entire repertoire is based in shit. 😛
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I just want to know how you spend $16K on one night of drinking. I don’t want to know badly enough to watch the movie, though.
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That’s a lot of Jell-O shots!!
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hahaah you really have no reason at all to put yourself through this torture. it’s exquisitely horrendous. the fact that he managed to spend that much in a single night, is probably the funniest/best part of this thing. 😛
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God, this was just awful. No wonder why it came out by the end of August. Nice review.
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Thanks for reading!
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Thanks Dan!! It was so bad. Like, a unique-level of shittiness.
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Nice review. 🙂 Amber Heard is hot but it would be nice if she could actually be in a decent movie…
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Have you seen Drive Angry???
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Yeah…….. 😉
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Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand?
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I still hope to see her in a decent movie someday… 😉
To be fair, she IS in Zombieland even though it’s a small part. That one is decent! And Mandy Lane wasn’t too bad.
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I have a very special Mandy Lane post created to run after shitfest… very special….
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I’m glad you said AFTER Shitfest. 😉 I’m assuming there will be photos…
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Someone got distracted again…
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Someone or someTHING? :-p
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LOL!!!
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LOL Drive Angry…. oh boy….
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hey thank you!! yeah she’s really been getting the short end of the stick in her career. she’s a decent actress, or so I think. she’s just been really misplaced. don’t worry, Machete Kills is sure to turn that around….. 😦
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Hehe. We’ll see. I’m not really sure about the decent acting part. 😉 But, hey – it may just be too many bad roles.
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She did “And Soon The Darkness” with Odette Yustman-Anabell and it was pretty good; she was also in “The Informers” which is a good movie, but it’s not for everyone.
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Never even heard of it… The Informers that is…
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Not seen those. Maybe someday. 🙂
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Hahaha oh man, thanks Eric for putting this up!!! What a shit movie. I’m glad everyone’s had fun poking fun of it (and my ever-increasing love for Miss Heard).
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Thanks for entering it!!
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No prob! Also, really dig the poster you attached. hahah what is that other language, German??!
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Lol I think so. My theme has a special design that showcases a thumbnail image on the “home page”. Sometimes it’s hard to find images that are big enough and Hi Res and they end up being another language, lol. You can click on my header banner to see what I’m talking about : )
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Reviews have all been terrible. reminds me of the reviews for The Cold Light of Day. Don’t plan on watching either 😀
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hahah there’s scant a redemptive quality to this one Tim. So sad, considering the cast involved. #YOLO
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I try not to watch films for the actors, it can be very misleading 😀
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You know, that’s a great strategy. I might have to start doing the same, instead of getting hopes up. lol
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Is it just me or is Chris Hemsworth really shit? How the hell does he get a lead role in a film, is it because he’s Thor’s brother?
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Sorry, that should say Liam Hemsworth, not Chris. I actually like Chris
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i might have to agree man. While I haven’t seen a lot of what Liam’s been in (i’m guessing other shiite) he’s dull as a cardboard box in this film. So, i wasn’t impressed. I’m with you. Chris is far more interesting to watch. not just because of Thor, either.
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I genuinely appreciate your saving me from terrible movies … but how do you sit through these things? I’d start to swear and froth at the mouth.
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This was a tough one, no doubt about it! 🙂 I went in with tempered expectations knowing that Amber Heard was in it (no offense to her, she’s eye candy but not a talented actress unfortunately). However I had no idea I was about to see every actor involved here completely fail to generate any interest at all. I couldn’t prepare myself for how boring it would be, so i guess i went in with some blind faith and gave myself a little pat on the shoulder when i managed to sit through it all. lol
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Nice review, Tom. When I first saw this trailer I thought it looked interesting, and I considered seeing it, but once it arrived at theaters my movie intuition kicked-in that said this wasn’t worth going to see. Thanks for the confirmation!
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Yeah, you’re welcome man! I’m glad I could save you the money, the time and the pain. This was one of the worst i’ve seen this year. maybe even in the last several. . .
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But but but, Amber Heard!
Also, do we get to choose our own sexy lady pic for your site?!
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You sure can! But Dolly Parton is spoken for : )
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Aww man, that’s a real shame. In that case I’ll have the delightful Holly Willoughby. She may not mean much to those Stateside but she’s a belter, trust me.
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Consider it done!
(She’s smokin’ btw)
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Good man 🙂
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When I saw the commercials for this disaster, I thought, “Great, Harrison Ford acting all intense.” That was enough to bore me senseless so I’m glad I didn’t waste my time. I love Gary Oldman but he’s made some odd choices over the years.
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He certainly has… very odd….
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I’ve never even HEARD of this movie – is it new? I’ve been finding a lot of movies with awesome casting that totally suck lately – maybe this is the new trend??
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