Isaacs Picture Conclusions

SHITFEST 2013: FALL ~ DRAGONBALL: EVOLUTION

SFBANNER8A

BY: (THE REIGNING SHITFEST CHAMPION!) TIM THE FILM GUY

Logo

DRAGONBALL: EVOLUTION

dragonball-evolution-poster

When I heard about Shitfest Fall Edition I wasn’t sure how I could top my last review, so I thought it would either be another terrible film I or I’d come back with a review of a film I mentioned in the first entry, Dragonball Evolution. But I wasn’t sure how much I could take of these pure crap films. I mentioned how I fully understand the immense difficulty of adapting Dragonball to a live action film, but come on this film is unfiltered horse shit! It would make me die of laughter if I wasn’t such a big fan of the series growing up.

For the sake of this Shitfest I have watched the film again to really get to the bottom of why I detest this film so very much. So expect swearing and lots of profanities, I can already feel the blood boiling!

Shit Analysis starting now.

DAMN YOU FOX!!! DAMN YOU STRAIGHT TO HELL!!!

Evolution? EVOLUTION?! Why is that even in the title?!

Wow I forgot about this terrible CGI’d intro which pathetically tries to explain what’s happening, and if I hadn’t seen the series I’d have no clue what they were talking about. Oh and now we have a first look at “Goku” who has either been stabbed in the head or is taking a shit because he never has a normal looking face. Oh my God what is this terrible training fight?! I cannot stop laughing at how awful this film is. Did he just kick a fly into his grandfather’s mouth to win the fight?! Oh kill me now!

justin-chatwin-as-goku-in-dragonball-evolution

Alright now the casting in this film is awful but I didn’t mind the casting of the grandfather, however Justin Chatwin is insane as Goku. He is tiny, he looks so American teen (2013 still looks like that), clearly had no plan for sequels (thank you lord). Oh shit I forgot he goes to high school in this film! Oh this is the worst bully, runs over goku’s bike and Goku says he’ll make him pay for it and this line put me in tears laughing “Make *unnatural pause* me geko”. Hahahaha is that a speech impediment? And what do you know Chi Chi is dating the bully, however will our hero win her over? I don’t care!

dragonball-evolution-piccolo

Okay something is actually happening and we get to see Lord Piccolo (Mr Pickle) played by James Marsters, and whilst I liked him as Spike in Buffy this is not his role to play, especially when he displays no character whatsoever! It doesn’t help that the makeup makes him look like a Power Rangers villain. Oh look it’s the famous BOOB ninja!  Not sure who that is supposed to be but look at that cleavage!

Goku-ki-ball

Back to the school and we get a super pervy looking Goku in a class that is massively interested in lunar eclipses for no apparent reason, no hang on it’s to help with morons who don’t know what an eclipse is. Now Chi Chi his love interest can’t open her locker so Goku uses his Ki to open the whole row of lockers which is stupid but it’s what they call Ki that really annoys me ‘Ki’ is pronounced ‘Chi’ not ‘key’! This is made even more annoying by them saying Chi Chi correctly. This is Avatar all over again! Why didn’t anybody watch the FUCKING SHOW!!!

dragonball-evolution-fight

A lot of my problems with this film is how much of a dick Goku is, he is a massive dick, doesn’t have a massive dick, he is himself a massive dick. He leaves his elderly grandfather to go to a party even though he made him a birthday dinner and cake. At the party he seems to stumble onto the bully’s karate friends and proceeds to watch them hurt themselves in terrible choreography.

dragonball-evolution-goku-uniform

Lol 20 minutes into the film and they have killed the best cast character in the film, oh yeah well done guys. That is a terrible death scene, not that I was expecting a West Side Story death, but come on. Now as he looks through his destroyed house he finds the classic uniform Goku wears and whilst it is exactly like the cartoon, that’s one of the subtle things I wouldn’t have minded being changed for a live action film.

?????????????????????????????????????????????

Emmy Rossum playing Bulma! What!? That is weird and did Goku just ask if she was Piccolo, my brain actually hurts. Alright I’ll admit that the capsule was pretty neat but it would take something special to help this film. And there going to see Roshi which can only be funny, good or bad I want to see this.

dragonball-evolution-roshi

Yun-Fat Chow as Master Roshi is actually pretty interesting. The character of Roshi is a master of martial arts and Ki but also a perverted old man and insanely funny in the anime show. Chow plays a crazier Roshi but he’s still quite fun and even pervy which is really funny. Ah he’s wearing the shirt!

dragonball-evolution-yamcha

Short movie, I am almost half way through.

They just introduced Yamcha and he’s not bad, love the fact that he is Asian and he clearly knew the character because he acted just like him. This leads me to think that the main problem with this film is a catastrophic changes made to Goku’s character. It throws off the dynamic of the group. It’s a real shame because some of it actually has potential, not much but some.

Wait! There’s a World Martial Arts Tournament and GOKU ISNT FUCKING IN IT!!!? That’s it, I am out! This is BULLSHIT!!! What kind of moron doesn’t have that in the film? There should have been a massive tournament with Goku and Picolo fighting at the end, destroying everything. Like this:

We are now down to the last scene of the film, Lord Piccolo has all 7 Dragonballs and this film is so pointless and soulless that there is really no reason to even talk about it. They have spent all of their money and clearly had a grand total of $2 to spend on Oozaru which totally shits all over the source material because they have totally gotten rid of Goku’s Saiyan ancestry, he’s an alien dammit!

dragonball-evolution-Oozaru

Okay now Goku has controlled Oozaru and begins fighting Piccolo with what looks like misty paint and they share some truly awful dialogue. Oh but nothing tops the final shoot out using Ki, he somehow he knows Ka-Me-Ha-Me-Ha, looks awful, jumps in the air whilst using it which makes no sense and wins in a fight that took no time at all. Something which is so far from a Dragonball fight which can take seasons of the show to conclude, haha they were pretty damn long.

That’s pretty much it, short and bitter film. If you liked the anime you will hate this, if you like the art film you will also hate this, and if you have eyes and ears you will really hate this. This film was one giant waste of money and I am so happy they made a massive loss with it. BOMBED!!!

Tim’s Film Reviews Not Recommended

Story: 5%       Acting: 15%      Characters: 15%      Dialogue: 1%

Kids/Action/Adventure: 5%      Style/Sound: 10%      Visuals: 10%

Total: 8%

This film truly fails but I hope that one day when Hollywood runs out of every teen book adaptation, comic book movie and video game film that they will turn to anime for inspiration. And that they both have a big budget and a brilliant director with an excellent production team behind them.

28 comments

  1. Pingback: SHITFEST 2013: FALL – Dragonball: Evolution | Tim's Film Reviews

  2. I didn’t hate this movie as much as I should because I KNEW it would be shit even before I watched it!! Hollywood is terrible in adapting Japanese stuff…but I watched it anyway out of curiosity. And since I was well aware it’s going to terrible, the movie turned out to be not so bad. weird huh?

    However…I am 100% agree with you except for the last line. (This film truly fails but I hope that one day when Hollywood runs out of every teen book adaptation, comic book movie and video game film that they will turn to anime for inspiration) Hollywood should NEVER touch Japanese anime, they should be done by Japanese director and actors, otherwise it will sucks!!

    Have you seen Blood – The last Vampire adaptation? although better than Dragonball but it still fails big time.
    Have you seen Kenshin? now, that’s how you adapt an anime!! Japanese called it live action.

    Like

  3. But … why do you watch these movies if you hate them? You couldn’t pay me enough to sit and watch movies I hate … or read books I don’t like. I guess you are a lot more patient than I am.

    Like

  4. Dude, great review. OH MY GOD… I HATE THIS FILM SO MUCH! The fact of the matter is I knew this film was gonna suck (hence why I never watched it in the cinema), but after I saw the film online my mind, my memories and nostalgia were ruined and replaced with rage and despair. What the fuck was that film? It certainly wasn’t Dragon Ball. It was disgusting. Its like the filmmakers took the bare minimum from the manga/anime and changed like 98% of the material. Chatwin is the worst thing ever, so horrible. I was especially disappointed in James Marsters considering his history on Buffy. Everyone in this iflm is terrible, even Chow Yun Fat couldn’t save this film.

    So many issues with this film like: Goku’s high school dramas, the crappy fight scenes, the disjointed story, poor use of the martial arts tournament and fact the Kamehameha can light candles and raise people from the dead? And holy christ what did they do you the Oozaru in this film? What the actual fuck man? 😡

    Anyways Imma stop ranting here because as you can see I hate this film as much as you do. I feel for you having to rewatch the film again, hopefully you’ll never have to ever again.

    Like

  5. The movie is so bad that it’s almost good. I got a good laugh at how badly they butchered something that had the potential to become a multi-million dollar live action franchise. One of my pals is a huge DB fan and goes into a rage whenever I mention this flick. How lazy is Chow Yun-Fat that he cannot even bother shaving his head to play Roshi?

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: