Isaacs Picture Conclusions

SHITFEST 2013: FALL ~ SILENT HILL: REVELATION

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BY: SCREENKICKER

screenkicker

SILENTHILL2

Silent Hill: Revelations

Shit is a strong word for describing a film. You just don’t just throw around shit whenever you feel like it. Which is part of the reason I was fired from my job at DisneyLand. But I digress, what I’m trying to say is, shit is precious and should be saved for a special occasion. I’m delighted to say, the occasion has come and it’s name is Silent Hill: Revelation. And it’s shit.

I’ll start off with something I like about the movie – it’s not called Silent Hill 2. You see Silent Hill 2 happens to be the name of probably the scariest video game ever made. It would be a shame to sully the reputation of something great with this absolute mess of a film. So what’s this about then?

This is the sequel to 2006’s Silent Hill which was the story about woman going to the spooky town of Silent Hill and having to rescue her daughter. But none of that matters because the sequel pulls the neat trick of not making any sense. I’ll repeat that – it makes no sense. The positive side of this is that even if you haven’t seen the first film it doesn’t matter because you’ll still get the same amount of enjoyment out of it as anyone else with eyes.

The best way to express how bad it is it to tell you what I’d enjoyed about it and hilariously none of these aspects were intentional. Sean Bean attempts what can only be described as the accent of an Australian in the immediate aftermath of  having a particularly serious head injury, the bad guy Pyramid Head spends most of the movie operating a children’s merry-go-round, and a key part of the plot involves a magical amulet.

As I write this I’m beginning to find it hard to remember Silent Hill: Revelation. Maybe it was actually amazing and I’m just remembering it incorrectly. Maybe the story wasn’t crap and Malcolm McDowell didn’t embarrass himself in it. I mean, it only ended thirty minutes ago so that’s probably not true but I need to cling on to the feeling I haven’t wasted one hundred minutes of my life.

And that’s the worst thing about it – it’s not even bad enough to be memorable, it just kind of happens in front of you. To me that’s the definition of a shit movie, it’s not good enough to like and not awful enough to elicit any kind of emotion.

Apart from Sean Bean’s American accent, that never stops being funny.

30 comments

  1. We have Silent Hill 1 and 2…. haven’t seen 2 cox 1 scared the heck out of me.
    We have Saw 1 and 2…… haven’t watched 2 , same reason

    We have Jeepers and Creepers 1 and 2…. haven’t seen 2 . Jeepers 1 gave me my most unforgettable nightmare.

    Okay, I’m off topic.

    Cheers !

    Like

  2. I almost do this for Shitfest but didn’t because I was so angry at it. I really really liked the first film and I just felt like the second ruined the chance of silent hill having a good franchise.
    Nice review!

    Like

  3. Lemuel Severance

    About that header – Great to see ElectroWoman and DynaGirl again – – I’m singing their theme song in my head –
    Screenkicker: good stuff – sounds like a good movie to avoid

    Like

    • theipc

      YES SIR!!!!!!!!!!

      You are a true man’s man!!!

      True story: I couldn’t even finish this terrible bullshit of a movie – it’s THAT bad.

      Also – slab guys have been sequestered. Apparently houses built in the late 60s through the mid 80s in this area are all having this problem and it’s 80% of this guy’s business…

      Like

  4. Ha! Suddenly think I was onto something when I listened to a friend who is a Silent Hill fan when he told me if I enjoyed the first time then I should not watch this for fear of destroying it. Good review.

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  5. I really liked the first Silent Hill movie. Disappointing to read about the sequel. Why do so many sequels have to suck so mightily? And if it’s so bad that even Sean Bean can’t redeem it, you know it has to be *really* bad. Although his American accent really is cringingly terrible. It’s as cringingly terrible as Kevin Costner’s English accent.

    Like

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