Silent Hill: Revelations
Shit is a strong word for describing a film. You just don’t just throw around shit whenever you feel like it. Which is part of the reason I was fired from my job at DisneyLand. But I digress, what I’m trying to say is, shit is precious and should be saved for a special occasion. I’m delighted to say, the occasion has come and it’s name is Silent Hill: Revelation. And it’s shit.
I’ll start off with something I like about the movie – it’s not called Silent Hill 2. You see Silent Hill 2 happens to be the name of probably the scariest video game ever made. It would be a shame to sully the reputation of something great with this absolute mess of a film. So what’s this about then?
This is the sequel to 2006’s Silent Hill which was the story about woman going to the spooky town of Silent Hill and having to rescue her daughter. But none of that matters because the sequel pulls the neat trick of not making any sense. I’ll repeat that – it makes no sense. The positive side of this is that even if you haven’t seen the first film it doesn’t matter because you’ll still get the same amount of enjoyment out of it as anyone else with eyes.
The best way to express how bad it is it to tell you what I’d enjoyed about it and hilariously none of these aspects were intentional. Sean Bean attempts what can only be described as the accent of an Australian in the immediate aftermath of having a particularly serious head injury, the bad guy Pyramid Head spends most of the movie operating a children’s merry-go-round, and a key part of the plot involves a magical amulet.
As I write this I’m beginning to find it hard to remember Silent Hill: Revelation. Maybe it was actually amazing and I’m just remembering it incorrectly. Maybe the story wasn’t crap and Malcolm McDowell didn’t embarrass himself in it. I mean, it only ended thirty minutes ago so that’s probably not true but I need to cling on to the feeling I haven’t wasted one hundred minutes of my life.
And that’s the worst thing about it – it’s not even bad enough to be memorable, it just kind of happens in front of you. To me that’s the definition of a shit movie, it’s not good enough to like and not awful enough to elicit any kind of emotion.
Apart from Sean Bean’s American accent, that never stops being funny.