Isaacs Picture Conclusions

SHITFEST 2013: FALL ~ SHARKNADO

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BY: THE CINEMA MONSTER

SHARKNADO

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Despite all the hoopla and urging from friends and fellow critics, I swore I wouldn’t be caught dead watching “Sharknado.” Then, one night during shark week, my family decided on watching this very flick and I was forced to go along. And while the film offered little to no positives, I did gain more evidence to always trust my gut as “Sharknado” is easily one of the worst films I’ve ever seen. I won’t be wasting much time on this write-up, because it simply isn’t worth the effort. I just want to discourage anyone from watching this pile of flaming garbage.

In cinema there’s this saying, “so bad it’s good,” which typically only applies to intentionally god-awful films. Well, if you’re one of those people who don’t fully appreciate this premise, you’re in luck. This turn a phrase has no bearing here seeing as “Sharknado” is downright atrocious and will never be associated with the mildly flattering word “good.” Although this simple, four-lettered word has become so tragically overused that it has essentially lost all meaning, the remnants of its definition are still too favourable to be linked in any way to a film like this. It is nothing more than the recipient of diluted hype created by an endless stream of social-networking platforms. It’s the fortunate beneficiary of residual favour that comes to anything carrying a spliced title of two things the human race can’t get enough of…that being sharks and tornadoes, more specifically destruction. “Sharknado” is a horrible way to kill two hours and will leave you clamouring for a death at the hands of these airborne, poorly animated, and inaccurately portrayed monsters of the deep.

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A freak hurricane stikes Los Angeles, causing  man-eating sharks to be picked up in water spouts and dropped upon shocked citizens. A local bar owner and a couple of his friends head to higher ground and to rescue their loved ones. Little do they realize that the hurricane has caused severe flooding and forced the sharks into common neighbourhoods.

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I understand the idea of a mockbuster and I enjoy brainless, fun for the sake of fun flicks just as much as the next. Nonetheless, “Sharknado” is just awful. I don’t care how low-budget, satirical, or intentional it is. In all honesty, is “Sharknado” serious? I can move past idiotic premises and plot holes, but inconsistency and illogicality is unacceptable. Every aspect of the settings is laughable, changing from stormy, sunny, to apocalyptic in a matter of seconds. Let alone the several different bodies of water used to concoct a singular ocean. One minute the audience is staring at calm seas, then subjected to tsunami sized waves without any indication or reason. To make matters worse, the CGI is as blatantly inauthentic as the sharks. Which, for the record, are poorly animated and are apparently a lot more savage and smaller than scientifically proven.

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Now, to sum up the abysmal, idiotically amateur performances which look and feel a lot like an unwanted gag reflex or a stinging sunburn. This unwanted eyesore features performances from Tara Reid, Ian Ziering, and Cassie Scerbo, amongst others, not that it really matters. All in all, there is nothing here of merit and essentially, nothing you’ve never seen before. Predictably, when you hire actors of this caliber, you get what you pay for. As for the camera work, I’m sure you all can guess. Directed by Anthony C. Ferrante, whom I might add does his best to aid this sinking ship, yet sadly winds up being weighed down, does his best with what he is given. That being said, his lack of experience really starts to show and ultimately, the weakness of his material makes his bright spots seem all the more dim.

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It appears that no matter how hard I wish “Sharknado” didn’t exist and that I hadn’t witnessed it, this filth just won’t seem to die. That being said, everyone needs a film to write about for Shitfest…so,  here you are, aren’t you lucky. Sorry I had to subject you to this…I will do my best to never watch something like this again.

Sharknado: 0 out of 10.

47 comments

  1. Wednesday's Child

    The worst thing about so-bad-its-good movie fandom (which I’m a part of, don’t get me wrong) is that it gives these assholes with money to throw around a reason to try to make bad movies on purpose. These good bad movies have to happen organically, with heart. AKA the existence of this Sharknado and its ilk makes me want to kick a “Syfy” exec in the balls repeatedly, but they’re probably into that sort of thing. Bastards.

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  5. Smash

    Well, on the bright side of things you’re “in the know” on this one. You’ve seen it. So for the rest of your life you’ll understand any one-off references to the film. That’s a perk, right?

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  7. verbalspew

    My Facebook feed and various forums I frequent are just full of Sharknado references. I haven’t seen it but the snaps of the sharks swimming through the air are bloody hilarious. I’m not sure if I can be dissuaded from watching it but thanks for trying, at least now I’ll know to be prepared for the ultimate shitiness. 😀

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  11. mistylayne

    I didn’t think this one was all that bad, at least not if you take it as it’s meant to be taken which is as just the same exact movie they show over and over again. There were several scenes and CGI that were taken directly from their other shark movies actually, lol. I dunno, I just didn’t find it to be any worse than anything else they’ve put out recently. I take it you’re not watching the sequel then? 😉

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  12. Zoë

    Ah, I have heard nothing good about this thing, and I have been avoiding it teehee! Seems that it was for the best. I was hoping to see this up here. Brilliant write up!

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