BY: BANANAS ABOUT MOVIES
A Good Day To Die Hard: Shitfest Edition
Alfred Hitchcock once said, “Always make the audience suffer as much as possible.” I don’t know whether John Moore read that quote before shooting A Good Day To Die Hard, but if he did… well done. You made me suffer. But not in the obviously good way Hitchcock was referring to.
Hitchcock also said, “The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.” I can say with confidence that the length of A Good Day To Die Hard is directly related to my desire to start bashing my own brains in with a brick, until I’m a drooling vegetable, sucking liquidized roast dinner through a straw, and shitting in a bag, in a disease ridden hospital bed.
I can barely write this review for more than a minute at a time without needing to sleep for half an hour, and have my one remaining brain cell jump started by the exposed ends of two live wires applied directly to my forehead.
So, using that as a guideline, I can say that A Good Day To Die Hard at one hour and thirty-eight minutes long, is one hour and thirty-seven minutes and fifty-nine seconds too long.
As soon as I heard they were making the film, 1% of me thought, “Hey, it might be good!” But 99% of me was already down the local DIY store, testing the weight of bricks in my hand, and their potential for smashing my skull in.
Thanks, John Moore. No, seriously. THANKS.
I guess the ultimate question, which I shall try to answer at the end of this review, is…
WHEN IS IT A GOOD DAY TO WATCH A GOOD DAY TO DIE HARD?
The trouble I have with the film is that it doesn’t feel like a Die Hard film. It’s not surprising really. The Die Hard formula was already being pushed to its limits with its first and second sequels, let alone the third sequel. There’s only so much shit can happen to the same guy twice three four five times, which is why A Good Day To Die Hard is so hard to stomach. It’s a series that really should have ended with the third film.
And it did. For a long while. With everything tied up neatly, and Jeremy Irons’s Simon Gruber, brother of Hans Gruber, being a nice callback to the first film. That Die Hard With A Vengeance was originally not a Die Hard film, but a thriller called Simon Says should also have been a warning. It was a series that had reached the end of its natural life.
But maybe some producer in Hollywood needed a new drinks cabinet, or a robot butler, and the sorry franchise spluttered back into life. From Die Hard 4.0 (or Live Free or Die Hard, as it’s also known) onwards, the series has started to turn John McClane from a cop with huge determination and dedication, but very human limits, into some sort of CGI superhero, capable of falling great heights through multiple floors of a building into irradiated water and surviving with barely a scratch. His duty to protect innocent citizens also seems to have been thrown out the window. It’s like he doesn’t give a shit any more. Pretty much like Bruce Willis himself.
Which brings me back to the question I posed earlier…
WHEN IS IT A GOOD DAY TO WATCH A GOOD DAY TO DIE HARD?
ANSWER: Never. It will always be a bad day to watch A Good Day To Die Hard. I felt shitty after I watched it. I hope that Hollywood producer is happy with his fucking robot butler.
Absolutely love this and love the effort that’s gone in! Not seen the film as I stopped after number three but I’ve not seen a good word about this and Bruce is coming off as such a douche these days it’s hard to even care about anything he’s doing.
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Isn’t this post fun?
I actually didn’t hate this movie like everyone else but I know I am in the big minority here…
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Thanks! I put twice as much effort into the various graphics and the review as Bruce Willis does into making movies and promoting them! But then that would mean I put in 2% effort. So maybe not! 🙂
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Teehee, I have not heard one good review about this. Well done!
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: )
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Haha! Excellent post. I think we may have a Shitfest winner right here. Bravo Monkey!
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Boat Drinks!
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Cheers, Mark! But it’s not about the winning, it’s the taking part that counts! 😉 Shitfest is great anyway. I could come last every single time, and I would still sumbit something for each new one! 🙂
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The taking Apart? 😉
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Nice job! By all accounts, Bruce Willis has become a grade-A asshole.
And what is with that poster? Why does his Photoshopped head have fake hair?
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Isn’t that stupid fucking poster hilarious??? It’s the WORST!
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The poster looks like a composite of at least 6 different actor’s body parts. Surely that isn’t Bruce’s real arm? He probably wasn’t even that toned when he was 25!
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I know!! When I was out looking for a poster for this post, this was the dumbest one I found. It’s TOTALLY fake.
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I actually bought a new dictionary the other day. I looked up the word “asshole” and it just said “Bruce Willis”.
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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
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I haven’t seen the movie, but I love the graphics you made for the review. The banner at the top with the synchronized butts is cool too.
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Mr. Monkeyboy and I had a good conversation about butts on yesterday’s post so I thought it was fitting : )
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I love lady butts.
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Thanks! I hope the Wheel of Shit proves to be a useful tool for all concerned. 😉
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This year has produced some real contenders for shitfest 😀
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I ell oh elled. I bet your review is 10 times more entertaining than this film. Carry on.
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I ell oh elled at this comment!
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Slamming your nuts between two bricks would be more entertaining than watching this film.
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Brilliant review, one of my favs I think. 😀
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Thanks, Miss Verbalspew!
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That ‘wheel of shits’ rules! That poster is total shit CG, like the pics of women in Maxim Magazine (ie: FAKE). Is that what they did in this movie? Had an actor run around the whole film then just insert Bruce Willis’s head with CG ? (Like Tom Burgeron in those AFV vids?). We all know how these films end… Bruce running around bloody and barefoot, and having to run though broken glass to save the day 😀
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I subscribe to Maxim and each issue I wonder how much time interns spend airbrushing out nipples and camel toes…
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That’s not the problem, the problems are: elongating legs, making butts more full and round, airbrushing skin tones and flesh so they are void of any marks that could be construed as imperfect, enhancing breasts without surgery, slimming waistlines. Quite often what you’re looking at is equivalent to a cartoon or painting, in CG of course. Sorry to break the news, none of those women are that perfect 😦
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Ha-ha, yeah, the poster is so shit. It’s the poster the movie deserves.
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Such shit. Let’s hope they do something, hell, anything better with this next movie. Seriously, I’ll take anything! Good review.
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I didn’t bother watching this or part 4; you can tell by the trailer it’s lame.
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Haha! This review is hilarious. Good job. 🙂 And sorry I’m a day late. I have an excuse as I’m extremely ill! So this review cheered me up. Oh, and I’ve not bothered watching this one. Guess I made the right choice. 🙂
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Awesome! Loved the review, which I can guarantee I enjoyed far more than I would’ve enjoyed the movie itself. I really dug the original, the first sequel was okay but after that… man, the only place they have left to go at this point is sending John McClane into outer space. $10 says they do it. ~_0
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Isn’t this review hysterical?? Monkeyboy is hilarious!
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