BY: CINEMA PARROT DISCO
The Hottie & The Nottie (2008)
Starring: Academy Award winner Paris Hilton. And some other people.
Plot Synopsis: Like it matters…
An explanation before I get to the review:
As soon as I bought this movie with Shitfest in mind (that’s right – I spent money on it), I regretted my choice. Too obvious! It has a rating of 1.9 at IMDB with a metascore of 7. And Paris Hilton. And look at the COVER. Anyway – after putting it off for ages, I decided I better watch it in time for Shitfest but that there was NO WAY I could watch it sober. So I got very drunk. And I’m not much of a drinker so at least it didn’t take long.
I typed out my drunken thoughts as I watched it & I’ve decided it would just be easier to share those drunken thoughts instead of doing an in-depth review. This was all pretty incoherent so I did go back & fix all the typos once sober.
My Drunken Thoughts:
– Awww – the girl playing young Paris (Cristabel. Fucking Cristabel! Seriously.) is so cute. Where are her parents? 😦 Call Social Services!!!!!
– This guy is like Booger in Revenge Of The Nerds! But isn’t. I haven’t watched that in years. Don’t think I have that. Should get that one. Amazon app! Hmm. Only £4.52.
– Haha. ACTING! Look out Patrick Stewart! Make it SO!!!!!
– Cristabel ass in the air! Where’s the night vision?! Wait… Where’s the ASS?
– I’ve lost the plot. Fuck it! I’ll Wikipedia it later!
– Hubby yelling at me for IMDBing. “Just watch the movie!” Whaaaaat?!
(The mom in this was in shitloads! Including The Terminator as “Wrong Sarah”. I love that movie. And Kyle Reese. Sexy sensitive guy. Still have a crush on him! And on Hicks, too. Michael Biehn’s glory days.)
– Hubby has pointed out the male lead has a bigger nose than Cristabel. Think that’s on purpose. Bet he was hand-picked by her. Or… Nose-Picked… Ha!
– “A life without orgasms is like a world without flowers.” Quote from Cristabel! Deep!!!! My hubby must live in the desert, then! Bwahaha! He said that. I’m not sure that made sense. He’s drunk too. Called me a cactus. I think he’s saying he gets none. What’s going on in this movie? They just said “vagina”.
– Hey… That’s that guy from The Wedding Singer who was going to marry Drew Barrymore! No. Maybe not. IMDB him! (No – not him). Julia Guglia! Ha! Mutants at table 9! Billy Idol! And Steve Buscemi! I love him. (Sober note: I love Michael Biehn more.)
– Awww – the Nottie as a kid looks like the young girl in Uncle Buck. Moley Russell’s wart! Oh I love John Hughes. I’m sad he’s dead. 😦 He’s dead and now they make movies like THIS. What’s happening to this woooooorld??
– Still an hour to go. Blooiooidy Hell!!!?? (Sober note: I’d fix that typo but it’s kind of funny)
– Mellifluous. That’s a big word. I need to look that up later. The writers have a dictionary. Wait – I’ll look it up now:
mellifluous[ muh-lif-loo-uhs ]
1. sweetly or smoothly flowing; sweet-sounding: a mellifluous voice; mellifluous tones.
2. flowing with honey; sweetened with or as if with honey.
– They’ve hypnotised some guy to like the Nottie. He’s professing his love. He just said “Thank the gods you were disconnected from the Borg Collective through the neutralisation of your upper spinal column neuro transceiver.” Any idea how many times I had to drunkenly rewind that quote and try to type it?!?!?!?! (Sober note: Shit. I probably could have just Googled it.)
– I love midget mimes! Hehehe! Seemed extraneous at the time. I totally could NOT have predicted that! Well done, you clever writers, you!
– “Cristabel doesn’t have a back door!” Bwahaha! That’s not what I’VE heard!!! (What do I even mean by that?)
– Oh. The makeover has started. Fucking hell. I seriously thought they wouldn’t GO there. I thought they’d be teaching us a LESSON! Beauty is on the INSIDE!!!!!!!!! Did they not watch fucking SHREK?!
– Almost knocked my drink over! Singing has started. Kumbaya, Motherfuckers! In the movie, I mean. I can’t sing.
– The acting. The acting. Drama! Emote! EMOTE!
– Parrot picture on wall. Parrot. Parrot? Parrot… Hilton! Hahaha! I’m clever.
– The Nottie is now a Hottie so he loves her. Did NOT see that coming! Oops. I mean… Spoiler!
– The end! And they all live happily ever AFTER! After makeovers, that is.
I chose The Hottie & The Nottie because it seemed like the perfect example of everything I hate most about today’s society. Yes, the movie is complete shit but the movie itself (ignoring its star) is morally no worse than things like Sex & The City or all the reality TV filled with talentless people who are already “celebrities” just because mommy or daddy has money or talentless nobodies becoming “celebrities” just for being on TV & willingly showing us all how completely talentless they are.
Hell – at least no one even watched The Hottie & The Nottie whereas too many people seem happy to lap up reality TV. Paris Hilton’s “reality” TV show and the many others like it (let’s face it, there are many others so it would be unfair to blame any one person) are what truly disgust me & have had a very negative impact on a generation of “Super Sweet Sixteens” whose main hobby seems to be taking duck-face selfies.
At least the movie TRIES to have a moral, I guess (Makeovers will make boys love you?!). I think it was also maybe trying to make a point about friendship (See pretty girl stand by her ugly childhood friend!). Ugh. Well, like I said – at least it tries, which is more than I can say for reality TV. I guess. Mainly, judging it purely as a movie & not on its star, all I can really say is that The Hottie & The Nottie is a completely pointless bore. It’s not even bad enough to be a tiny bit FUN. Basically, it’s like a very boring Farrelly Brothers movie and my rating is based on the fact that I hate that type of movie, not on how I may feel about the star of the movie.
My Rating: 2/10 (mainly for the mellifluous delivery of the Borg Collective line)
I didn’t want this in my house (how embarrassing if anyone saw it!) so I disposed of it. THAT’S hot! 😉
A Final Thought:
Even after sitting through The Hottie & The Nottie I do still have hope for the future of humanity as society has really improved since its release in 2008. Right?