BY: CINEMA PARROT DISCO
The Hottie & The Nottie (2008)
Starring: Academy Award winner Paris Hilton. And some other people.
Plot Synopsis: Like it matters…
An explanation before I get to the review:
As soon as I bought this movie with Shitfest in mind (that’s right – I spent money on it), I regretted my choice. Too obvious! It has a rating of 1.9 at IMDB with a metascore of 7. And Paris Hilton. And look at the COVER. Anyway – after putting it off for ages, I decided I better watch it in time for Shitfest but that there was NO WAY I could watch it sober. So I got very drunk. And I’m not much of a drinker so at least it didn’t take long.
I typed out my drunken thoughts as I watched it & I’ve decided it would just be easier to share those drunken thoughts instead of doing an in-depth review. This was all pretty incoherent so I did go back & fix all the typos once sober.
My Drunken Thoughts:
– Awww – the girl playing young Paris (Cristabel. Fucking Cristabel! Seriously.) is so cute. Where are her parents? 😦 Call Social Services!!!!!
– This guy is like Booger in Revenge Of The Nerds! But isn’t. I haven’t watched that in years. Don’t think I have that. Should get that one. Amazon app! Hmm. Only £4.52.
– Haha. ACTING! Look out Patrick Stewart! Make it SO!!!!!
– Cristabel ass in the air! Where’s the night vision?! Wait… Where’s the ASS?
– I’ve lost the plot. Fuck it! I’ll Wikipedia it later!
– Hubby yelling at me for IMDBing. “Just watch the movie!” Whaaaaat?!
(The mom in this was in shitloads! Including The Terminator as “Wrong Sarah”. I love that movie. And Kyle Reese. Sexy sensitive guy. Still have a crush on him! And on Hicks, too. Michael Biehn’s glory days.)
– Hubby has pointed out the male lead has a bigger nose than Cristabel. Think that’s on purpose. Bet he was hand-picked by her. Or… Nose-Picked… Ha!
– “A life without orgasms is like a world without flowers.” Quote from Cristabel! Deep!!!! My hubby must live in the desert, then! Bwahaha! He said that. I’m not sure that made sense. He’s drunk too. Called me a cactus. I think he’s saying he gets none. What’s going on in this movie? They just said “vagina”.
– Hey… That’s that guy from The Wedding Singer who was going to marry Drew Barrymore! No. Maybe not. IMDB him! (No – not him). Julia Guglia! Ha! Mutants at table 9! Billy Idol! And Steve Buscemi! I love him. (Sober note: I love Michael Biehn more.)
– Awww – the Nottie as a kid looks like the young girl in Uncle Buck. Moley Russell’s wart! Oh I love John Hughes. I’m sad he’s dead. 😦 He’s dead and now they make movies like THIS. What’s happening to this woooooorld??
– Still an hour to go. Blooiooidy Hell!!!?? (Sober note: I’d fix that typo but it’s kind of funny)
– Mellifluous. That’s a big word. I need to look that up later. The writers have a dictionary. Wait – I’ll look it up now:
mellifluous[ muh-lif-loo-uhs ]
adjective
1. sweetly or smoothly flowing; sweet-sounding: a mellifluous voice; mellifluous tones.
2. flowing with honey; sweetened with or as if with honey.
(Thanks, Dictionary.com!)
– They’ve hypnotised some guy to like the Nottie. He’s professing his love. He just said “Thank the gods you were disconnected from the Borg Collective through the neutralisation of your upper spinal column neuro transceiver.” Any idea how many times I had to drunkenly rewind that quote and try to type it?!?!?!?! (Sober note: Shit. I probably could have just Googled it.)
– I love midget mimes! Hehehe! Seemed extraneous at the time. I totally could NOT have predicted that! Well done, you clever writers, you!
– “Cristabel doesn’t have a back door!” Bwahaha! That’s not what I’VE heard!!! (What do I even mean by that?)
– Oh. The makeover has started. Fucking hell. I seriously thought they wouldn’t GO there. I thought they’d be teaching us a LESSON! Beauty is on the INSIDE!!!!!!!!! Did they not watch fucking SHREK?!
– Almost knocked my drink over! Singing has started. Kumbaya, Motherfuckers! In the movie, I mean. I can’t sing.
– The acting. The acting. Drama! Emote! EMOTE!
– Parrot picture on wall. Parrot. Parrot? Parrot… Hilton! Hahaha! I’m clever.
– The Nottie is now a Hottie so he loves her. Did NOT see that coming! Oops. I mean… Spoiler!
– The end! And they all live happily ever AFTER! After makeovers, that is.
Sober Summary:
I chose The Hottie & The Nottie because it seemed like the perfect example of everything I hate most about today’s society. Yes, the movie is complete shit but the movie itself (ignoring its star) is morally no worse than things like Sex & The City or all the reality TV filled with talentless people who are already “celebrities” just because mommy or daddy has money or talentless nobodies becoming “celebrities” just for being on TV & willingly showing us all how completely talentless they are.
Hell – at least no one even watched The Hottie & The Nottie whereas too many people seem happy to lap up reality TV. Paris Hilton’s “reality” TV show and the many others like it (let’s face it, there are many others so it would be unfair to blame any one person) are what truly disgust me & have had a very negative impact on a generation of “Super Sweet Sixteens” whose main hobby seems to be taking duck-face selfies.
At least the movie TRIES to have a moral, I guess (Makeovers will make boys love you?!). I think it was also maybe trying to make a point about friendship (See pretty girl stand by her ugly childhood friend!). Ugh. Well, like I said – at least it tries, which is more than I can say for reality TV. I guess. Mainly, judging it purely as a movie & not on its star, all I can really say is that The Hottie & The Nottie is a completely pointless bore. It’s not even bad enough to be a tiny bit FUN. Basically, it’s like a very boring Farrelly Brothers movie and my rating is based on the fact that I hate that type of movie, not on how I may feel about the star of the movie.
My Rating: 2/10 (mainly for the mellifluous delivery of the Borg Collective line)
I didn’t want this in my house (how embarrassing if anyone saw it!) so I disposed of it. THAT’S hot! 😉
A Final Thought:
Even after sitting through The Hottie & The Nottie I do still have hope for the future of humanity as society has really improved since its release in 2008. Right?
Oh shit………..
Aw man, I was hoping you’d mail me the DVD!
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Sorry. 😦 It’s very cheap on Amazon! 😉
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Great coice for Shitfest!
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Well, pretty obvious choice. 😉 I can’t believe I watched it. Still shocked at the lengths I’ve gone to for Shitfest… Lol
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Bwahaha! Thanks for having me for Shitfest. It’s been fun! 🙂 And for, um, drawing a penis for my entry?! Lol! Wait. That didn’t sound right.
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HAHAHAHAHA!!! YOU were the one griping about having too many chicks on the home page!!!
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I wanted a shirtless Chris Hemsworth. 😉
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Hmmm, drunk commentary could be a thing. A theme for next years Shitfest?
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Films like these should only be viewed while drunk. If it’s at all necessary to watch them…
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So wait, which one’s the Nottie?
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Exactly.
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The thumbnail….
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Ha! Speaking of those type of things, how do I get the Shitfest image so I can post a link on my blog to this? 🙂 (not the penis one! One that says Shitfest). I suck at technical shit.
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Hey you!! THANKS for doing this! I actually have an “official” image I have scheduled to post on Monday but I am going to send it to you in email and ask for your feedback : )
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It doesn’t have boobies or fandanglers in it, does it?! :-p
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Not this one!! You should get it any time soon : )
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I like the idea that Paris Hilton movies are What Is Wrong With Society. Someone should do something about that.
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Thank goodness she seems to be out of the game these days…
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Ha! Well, maybe not 100% to blame. But we can pretend that. 😉
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Brilliant write up, great work! I had no idea this even existed and I hold you personally responsible now that I do! 🙂
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Hehe. You’re welcome. Your life is now complete. 😉
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Too funny, great entry! Paris Hilton isn’t even hot…
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Thanks. 🙂 And I agree!
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I like that you actually burned the DVD afterwards. Legit.
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That’s hilarious!
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Too legit to quit! Oh shit – I did NOT just type that…
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Paris Hilton, thank the lord she’s basically gone from the pop culture limelight. Even her secret sex tape was a dud – uninspired and boring (and there was sex in it – how do you screw that up???). Good choice for shitfest!
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Everything about this comment is true!
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Sad but true. I couldn’t even give that tape away – had to tell my friend it was Pamela Anderson… lol. He saw the writing on the vhs and it had the initials PH and I kept insisting the ‘H’ was an “A” – PA! Imagine, having to trick someone into taking a free homemade porn tape. 😀
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LOL!!
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Yeah – what happened to Paris Hilton anyway? Think it made it almost easier to watch this as she’s sort of disappeared in recent years. And can’t say I saw the sex tape! Saw the PA one, of course. Who didn’t?!
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Which one, there were 3 different tapes! 😀 There was Tommy Lee, there was Brett Michael’s, and there was some other big hairy dude that looked like a biker!
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Lol! Ohh. Sweet girl, then. 😉 Tommy Lee, of course!
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ROFL! Loved this! I think you just made my day so much better 🙂 To me, anything with Paris Hilton is going to most likely be shit…
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Thanks! Glad to have made your day better! And most likely be shit? Most definitely, I’d say! 🙂
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* facepalm*
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Exactly!
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As the DVD burns, it looks like some cheapo porn DVD. So there’s that…
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Porn would have definitely been more entertaining than this film. I’d assume. As I’ve never watched porn. Ever. 😉
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I applaud anyone who sits through a Paris Hilton movie (minus Repo the Genetic Opera! cause I love that movie, lol). Also isn’t burning dvds fun?? 😉
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Ok – I’ve looked up this Repo movie. That sounds far more entertaining than what I watched! 🙂 (I admit to seeing Paris in House of Wax as well. Ugh.) And burning the DVD was definitely the best part of this whole experience. 😉
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Wow. Kind of upsetting that such utter shit exists in the world. I mean, someone conceived of this. Pitched it. Got the green light. Hired cast and crew who took the job, turned up every day and actually did this. Actually made it happen. A sad indictment of the state of the modern world, indeed. Excellent review, though.
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Isn’t it a pity?? At least with these movies we get to read beautiful stuff like this : ) !
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True, and if I’m totally honest, bad films are one of my greatest pleasures. I just love tearing them apart!
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You should sign up for the next SHITFEST!! : )
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Ooh, how, how, how?!
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Just the next time it comes around just volunteer – it’s pretty easy!
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OMG such a great movie! hahahaha
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HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
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Quick question for the Shitfest winter.. do you want top 3 worst or best movies?? Sorry if that’s a dumb question !
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I am looking for your top five favorite posts. You’ve already sent me three so if you could send me numbers 4 and 5 I would love it!!
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GOT IT!! OK im dumb sorry lol
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LOL no you’re not!!!
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