In 2008 or so it was announced that cutey pie Amanda Seyfried would be teaming up with plastic faced Megan Fox to do a horror movie written by the person who did Juno (Diablo Cody). I was initially excited because I was a fan of Seyfried on BIG LOVE and I like horror. Then I watched Diablo Cody’s JUNO. I don’t think I’ve ever actually physically hated a movie so much in my life that it makes me nauseous to even think about it. *GAGS*. So I vowed never to watch this fucking infernal thing ever in my fucking life and then came SHITFEST. Having just sat through a miserable 1:42 minutes of contemplating plucking my fucking eyes out and tearing my ears off, I turned off the lights in my office, laid down on the floor and summoned another future self again.
I appeared before myself, this time bathed in a golden aura of yellow flame, clothed in a purple velvet tunic, leather britches, fine, wooden clogs and sporting a dashing, yet modestly handsome haircut suiting the period. “I become a fucking hipster!?!??!?!” I screamed at myself, standing up and, preparing to bash my own head in.
“NO, no, no, no, Eric,” I soothed myself. “This is the official uniform of THE BOOFS. We wear this when we all get together and debate on the state of film, both past, present and future. The outfit helps promote calm and peace, you know, Proper Etiquette. Grand Mistress ZOE XII decreed that during our Second Synod, two decades ago, in my time.”
“So, wait,” I stroked my…. chin! “You’re not the same me who came to see me the last time around??”
“No,” I replied. “That version of yourself was brutally killed during the Second Synod. You see, that version of yourself had misplaced the horrible, latent memories of you watching this movie for SHITFEST 2013: FALL. According to the meeting minutes, during that session, you suggested that the Synod determine the worst mainstream horror movie ever made. Reluctantly, the existing sitting panel of THE BOOFS agreed to that. According to the ledger, that instance of THE BOOFS included:
LET’S SNEAK IN TO THE DRIVE IN ; ) ; )
(and anyone I missed I apologize like the sorry fucker I am)
“These BOOFS,” I furthered, “gathered in the East Wing of the Carter-Walker estate, put on their movie viewing Monocles and Top Hats and watched this abomination of film. During it’s run-time… MOUNTAINS ROSE FROM THE SEA!!! FAMINE DESTROYED THE FLOCKS AND HERDS!!!!! MIDWIVES DESPAIRED!!! THERE WAS MUCH WEEPING AND WAILING!!! THE SEAS FILLED WITH BLOOD!!!! AND THE LOCUSTS!!!! OH DEAR, SWEET BUT SAVAGE LORD, THE LOCUSTS!!!!!”
My present day shelf shuddered at the pain my future self inflicted on all of those good people. Weeping, I wailed, “And what became of that session?”
“Shortly after the movie was viewed,” I continued, “the group chased you down, hunting you like a vile serpent. Finally they cornered you in the dry storage section of the kitchen and savagely stoned you with # 10 cans of Pork ‘n Beans. Bloody and barely breathing, they threw your mutilated body off the cliff behind the manor and watched as the waves crashed you on the rocks until you were truly dead.”
“The horror….” I whispered.
“It seems to have been. Shortly after that, they performed a ritual involving the Dance of the Gods, securing that Jennifer’s Body would never be shown in the World of Man again and declared that this was, indeed, THE WORST MAINSTREAM MOVIE EVER MADE.”
“They continued,” I continued. “Filled with dialogue that will make you physically ill, miserable acting, heinous CGI and unbelievable situations that will make you want to stick your own thumb up your ass and give yourself a good fucking, this is a terrible blight on the movie industry and is therefore banished for all of eternity, never to be seen again.”
“Wow…” I nodded.
“Since that day, peace and love have reigned, crime has dissolved and everyone lives in a state of serenity.”
“Like hipsters…” I murmured.
“Like Hipsters…” I replied and vanished in a POOF of smoke.
And, with that, SHITFEST 2013: FALL concludes!! This has been FANTASTIC!!!! THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR EVERYTHING!!!!! I LOOK AT MY STATS AND I SEE PEOPLE CLICKING ON YOUR SITES – I HOPE YOU MADE NEW FRIENDS AND GOT NEW READERS! THESE ARE SO MUCH FUN!!!!!
If you missed it the other day, here’s the fall’s crest you could put on your site if you felt like it and link to your post or this page:
Of course you don’t have to if you don’t want to but I made that with my own two hands and I think it looks pretty and all that –
Here’s our last image, handsomely sponsored by someone who will remain unnamed:
Now get to voting!! Send me your top three picks to email@example.com and I’ll tally everything and announce a winner on October 7th! GOOD LUCK TO EVERYONE!!
If you didn’t catch it above, here’s the link to go back and look at all of the entries before casting your vote and remember, the only rule is you can’t vote for yourself : )