BY:
In 2008 or so it was announced that cutey pie Amanda Seyfried would be teaming up with plastic faced Megan Fox to do a horror movie written by the person who did Juno (Diablo Cody). I was initially excited because I was a fan of Seyfried on BIG LOVE and I like horror. Then I watched Diablo Cody’s JUNO. I don’t think I’ve ever actually physically hated a movie so much in my life that it makes me nauseous to even think about it. *GAGS*. So I vowed never to watch this fucking infernal thing ever in my fucking life and then came SHITFEST. Having just sat through a miserable 1:42 minutes of contemplating plucking my fucking eyes out and tearing my ears off, I turned off the lights in my office, laid down on the floor and summoned another future self again.
I appeared before myself, this time bathed in a golden aura of yellow flame, clothed in a purple velvet tunic, leather britches, fine, wooden clogs and sporting a dashing, yet modestly handsome haircut suiting the period. “I become a fucking hipster!?!??!?!” I screamed at myself, standing up and, preparing to bash my own head in.
“NO, no, no, no, Eric,” I soothed myself. “This is the official uniform of THE BOOFS. We wear this when we all get together and debate on the state of film, both past, present and future. The outfit helps promote calm and peace, you know, Proper Etiquette. Grand Mistress ZOE XII decreed that during our Second Synod, two decades ago, in my time.”
“So, wait,” I stroked my…. chin! “You’re not the same me who came to see me the last time around??”
“No,” I replied. “That version of yourself was brutally killed during the Second Synod. You see, that version of yourself had misplaced the horrible, latent memories of you watching this movie for SHITFEST 2013: FALL. According to the meeting minutes, during that session, you suggested that the Synod determine the worst mainstream horror movie ever made. Reluctantly, the existing sitting panel of THE BOOFS agreed to that. According to the ledger, that instance of THE BOOFS included:
MR. RUMSEY’S FILM RELATED MUSINGS
THE SPORADIC CHRONICLES OF A BEGINNER BLOGGER
NOT NOW I’M DRINKING BEER AND WATCHING A MOVIE
LET’S SNEAK IN TO THE DRIVE IN ; ) ; )
BADASSES, BOOBS AND BODY COUNTS
RENAE RUDE – THE PARANORMALIST
FLIGHTS, TIGHTS AND MOVIE NIGHTS
(and anyone I missed I apologize like the sorry fucker I am)
“These BOOFS,” I furthered, “gathered in the East Wing of the Carter-Walker estate, put on their movie viewing Monocles and Top Hats and watched this abomination of film. During it’s run-time… MOUNTAINS ROSE FROM THE SEA!!! FAMINE DESTROYED THE FLOCKS AND HERDS!!!!! MIDWIVES DESPAIRED!!! THERE WAS MUCH WEEPING AND WAILING!!! THE SEAS FILLED WITH BLOOD!!!! AND THE LOCUSTS!!!! OH DEAR, SWEET BUT SAVAGE LORD, THE LOCUSTS!!!!!”
My present day shelf shuddered at the pain my future self inflicted on all of those good people. Weeping, I wailed, “And what became of that session?”
“Shortly after the movie was viewed,” I continued, “the group chased you down, hunting you like a vile serpent. Finally they cornered you in the dry storage section of the kitchen and savagely stoned you with # 10 cans of Pork ‘n Beans. Bloody and barely breathing, they threw your mutilated body off the cliff behind the manor and watched as the waves crashed you on the rocks until you were truly dead.”
“The horror….” I whispered.
“It seems to have been. Shortly after that, they performed a ritual involving the Dance of the Gods, securing that Jennifer’s Body would never be shown in the World of Man again and declared that this was, indeed, THE WORST MAINSTREAM MOVIE EVER MADE.”
“They continued,” I continued. “Filled with dialogue that will make you physically ill, miserable acting, heinous CGI and unbelievable situations that will make you want to stick your own thumb up your ass and give yourself a good fucking, this is a terrible blight on the movie industry and is therefore banished for all of eternity, never to be seen again.”
“Wow…” I nodded.
“Since that day, peace and love have reigned, crime has dissolved and everyone lives in a state of serenity.”
“Like hipsters…” I murmured.
“Like Hipsters…” I replied and vanished in a POOF of smoke.
And, with that, SHITFEST 2013: FALL concludes!! This has been FANTASTIC!!!! THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR EVERYTHING!!!!! I LOOK AT MY STATS AND I SEE PEOPLE CLICKING ON YOUR SITES – I HOPE YOU MADE NEW FRIENDS AND GOT NEW READERS! THESE ARE SO MUCH FUN!!!!!
If you missed it the other day, here’s the fall’s crest you could put on your site if you felt like it and link to your post or this page:
https://isaacspictureconclusions.com/shitfest-2013-fall/
Of course you don’t have to if you don’t want to but I made that with my own two hands and I think it looks pretty and all that –
Here’s our last image, handsomely sponsored by someone who will remain unnamed:
Now get to voting!! Send me your top three picks to ei@theipc.me and I’ll tally everything and announce a winner on October 7th! GOOD LUCK TO EVERYONE!!
If you didn’t catch it above, here’s the link to go back and look at all of the entries before casting your vote and remember, the only rule is you can’t vote for yourself : )
https://isaacspictureconclusions.com/shitfest-2013-fall/
Love,
EI
I thought you hated Only God Forgives that much?!
Getting to go through all these gems again to pick a winner… nice.
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The BOOFS declared this the worst mainstream movie ever filmed. Only God Forgive isn’t mainstream IMO. It’s an art house piece of filthy rat droppings.
Can’t wait to read your thoughts on it!! : )
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Ah, mainstream. I see what you mean now, Only God Forgives wasn’t… LOL! You have such intense love for it!
Ahhhh… those angry ones, hey? It shall be done one of these days…
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Can’t wait!!
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Grand Mistress ZOE XII decreed that during our Second Synod, two decades ago, in my time.
Love it haha!
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: )
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Wow…just wow…lol. Mind blown!🙂
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HA HA HA!! Thanks Thorn!!
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BOOFS assemble!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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BOOFS FOREVER!!
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So much gold in this post.
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HA!! THANKS!!
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Wow. That’s s shit-ton of blogs, my friend. Shit-ton.
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It’s a shit-ton of good reading out there : )
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Good to see THE BOOFS expanding. I feel that I should be installed as some form of leader of THE BOOFS. A spiritual leader, not one with any actual responsibility. Solely because my childhood nickname (and nickname to this day among family) is actually Boof.
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I could see that. You would be like our version of Dionysus.
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The next time THE BOOFS come calling – you can count on it!!
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And now the Hole song “Jennifer’s Body” is stuck in my head for the day… which actually isn’t that bad because I like Hole. But thinking about it relation to this piece of detritus does make me a little sad.
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LOL Smash!! Courtney Love should be the official mascot of SHITFEST. But we have Scrotey…
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Yeah, Courtney Love is a Shitfest, lol.
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No shit – what a wreck!!
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This post reminded me a lot of the movie Zardoz.
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All the hairy chests and such?
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And I imagine you were in a red diaper while writing this.
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A red woman’s bikini bottom, thank you.
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Hahaha! You win! And Jennifer’s Body is indeed the biggest pile of (mainstream) shit I’ve ever watched. And I like that you called Megan Fox plastic faced instead of worshipping her bony plastic ass like most guys. And I’m very proud to be a member of the BOOFS and still think you call us that as it looks like BOOBS.🙂
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I swear – Megan Fox is the worst….
I can’t believe I sat through this shit. NEVER AGAIN!!!
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Totally agree with your plastic face comment. Not sure why people thinks she’s so hot. Nice tush, I suppose.
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I think, from the neck down we’re in business but her mannequin head has to go.
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Sadly, there are dudes that would go for it even if she was in the open jaw pointy teeth form like the gif up there.
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I felt warm and tingly when I woke up this morning. At first I thought it was because I had peed in my sleep again, but now I realize it’s because I’m now a member of THE BOOFS!!
But wait, how can this not have boobs? That one gif where she’s walking towards the camera, don’t we get to see her tatas in that scene? Or are they always covered by her hair?
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YAY WEEBLES!!!
No boobs in this – they are painfully covered by her CGI hair. It’s ridiculous.
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Lesbian scene between Megan Fox and Amanda Seyfried saved this film😀
I’ll vote soon.
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: )
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Tim – you’ll be proud to learn that I just got a hit from google for “the last airbender penis hair”
lol
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I really am😀
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Brilliant summation of perhaps the biggest waste of celluloid this century…not to mention a more than adequate description of Ms Fox’s looks and acting skills! I admit a certain amount of pride at being included in the BOOF roll call. I am so not worthy! Thanks for a vitolically funny post and of course mentioning my little blog site.😀
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HAHAHA!! Thanks Mike!!
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Mike, you need to write an entry for the next festival!
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Agreed!!
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WOOO, love these posts. So proud to be a BOOF. I didn’t enjoy the film at all, except for the one sequence…you know…the sleepover…Anyway, terrific post! Get my votes to you soon!🙂.
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THANKS Joseph!!
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yeah, same goes for me! Thanks for the making me a Boof buddy.
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ABSOLUTELY!!!
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ahaha!! nicely done sir. a brilliant piece of writing here. bittersweet it is indeed, that Shitfest is to be done now.
*poops a little*
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HA!! THANKS Tom!!
*demurely hands over some tissues*
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http://digitalshortbread.com/new-this-week/
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Truly a shitfest spectacular – never thought I’d see the day where a lesbian kissing scene would do nothing for me, but when there’s that much shit piled around it, its hard to get any enjoyment 9unless of course you got some weird shit fetish) Anyways, going to review the entries and vote🙂
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My thoughts exactly!!
Thanks for voting and thanks for all the support!!
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Weird shit fetish! I think I’ve just found the name for my new band!
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lol, glad I could help🙂 The band should give out noseplugs at the door and you should throw fudge at the audience from the stage – maybe set up a big shit volcano, shaped like an ass that explodes at the finale😀
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People all around me were singing the praises of Juno. The soundtrack I liked. . ,
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I didn’t know what a BOOF was before but now that I do I feel immense pride. BOOFS, you have my sword
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THE BOOFS burn themselves in effigy for your allegiance.
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Effigy? I demand they all wear baskets full of bees on their heads. Then I’ll be appeased
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Looks like I’m the last to comment on this glorious entry of this shitty film festival; isn’t there supposed to be a closing song? Don’t forget about my dance video for the closing ceremony! You used one of them for the last closing, but I have another great one for you to use on that same entry on my blog!🙂
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SHIT!! I FORGOT!!! Remind me earlier next time : (
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Well, you still have to announce the winner. I think the video will be a great celebration for the winner, and closing ceremony. GET READY TO GET SERVED!
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Good thinking! Link me up to the video!
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Okay, I just emailed it.
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Gracias!
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Doesnt Megan Fox get nude in this though? Surely that elevates it above shitfest level?
Congrats on another fantastic series here EI, great work🙂
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NO!!!!
and THANKS!!!!!!!!!!!
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Doesn’t matter if she gets nude or not, Tyson. She has that mutant thumb of hers which is an instant wood killer!!😉
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Thanks for mentioning me! Go boofs🙂
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: )
Always!
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Another Shitfest ends.😦 At least we know there’s another one on the way.🙂 Unlike Breaking Bad.😦
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Thanks for all of your support, my monkey friend!
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Excuse me? You hated Juno…at least you didn’t use that one for shitfest…
I didn’t know this Diablo Cody person wrote this though…(almost) anything with Megan Fox can go in Shitfest😛
I’ll put up the banner and stuff….I have so much stuff to put on my blog and just so little time. This weekend, I’ll spice up my blog with everything🙂 I’ll send you the votes in the next day or two.
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I look forward to it all!! Thanks Kim!!
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I’ve become a BOOF!! Did I miss the ceremony?
I’ve GOT to stop drinking myself into a stupor to avoid watching anything on the Shitfest roster. Also, that probably excludes me from the voting ranks – you know, the haven’t-seen-even-one-nominee thing. Can I vote based on title alone? Even then, I’m torn between Hansel & Gretel Get Baked and The Hottie and the Nottie.
Do you see why I need you in my life?
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I would only love it if you would vote : )
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The worst mainstream movie ever? I’ve just seen the epic peice of shit that is Diana (Not my idea to watch it I swear!). Although I’m dismayed at not being mentioned in your BOOFS rollcall I forgive you seeing as it seemed you had quite the ordeal watching Jennifer’s Body🙂
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OH MAN!!! I’m so sorry, Lauren – you know I would never leave you out!! Consider that fixed!!!
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Thats ok i’m just sorry you had to watch jennifer’s body. The things you do just to warn us of all the shitty films around.🙂
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eHugs to you : )
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Hahahaha, this was hilarious! I don’t think Jennifer’s Body was THAT bad (face it, it’s no Sinful Dwarf!) and I loved Juno, lol, but this story was EPIC!! Yay Shitfest!
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I’m a shitty bastard for not being around lately, but I will say that we were all correct in the actions we took against Jennifer’s Body.
I actually haven’t seen it, or Juno for that matter, and I’ve always never wanted to see it. So far, my dream is perpetually coming true. It really is like a state of bliss.
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Whatever you do – don’t do it. Just don’t.
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