Isaacs Picture Conclusions

THE LORDS OF SALEM (2013) FOUR TOP HATS

LORDS1

I have absolutely nothing against Zombie, his wife or the movies they all make together. Nothing at all. I may not love them (ex: HALLOWEEN 2 and THE HAUNTED WORLD OF EL SUPERBEASTO) but I respect what they’re doing, two hour music video or not.  I’ve read a lot of positive words about this thing and have barely been able to wait to see it. It finally came out on VOD where I live so I even took a day off to give it a watch and, since we’re all about honesty our here, I have to say, most of this movie was absolutely fucking beautiful – in a Rob Zombie way. But let’s get to that in a little bit.

LORDS2

I’ve been a big fan of The Zombie since White Zombie came around back in the 90s and – yep – I even saw them in concert at a local club here where I live. BLAH BLAH BLAH fast forward a decade and Rob Z is making music videos featuring some lanky blond who he would go on to bang and marry. ETC ETC now he’s making movies and I’ve seen everything he’s done except for that TV show he did and, from what I’ve witnessed, his movies include:

  • A bunch of comedy actors from the 80s being out of character and getting: 1) Violently murdered 2) Showing their tits 3) Screaming the word FUCK!!!! every two seconds 4) Getting skinned and / or scalped 5) Killing someone
  • Bloody, bloody, bloody violent fast-paced gore with a bunch of people screaming the word FUCK!!!!!! every two second with blood everywhere on the set
  • Zombie’s favorite songs peppering the soundtrack / score to what could easily be called a very, very violent music video montage complete with characters watching TV showing his favorite old B&W movies.
  • And –
    • A bunch of comedy actors from the 80s being out of character and getting: 1) Violently murdered 2) Showing their tits 3) Screaming the word FUCK!!!! every two seconds 4) Getting skinned and / or scalped 5) Killing someone

LORDS5

And it must be working because the fellow can get plenty of work. Personally, while I didn’t really care for HOUSE OF A 1000 CORPSES, I got some good jollies with THE DEVIL’S REJECTS and when I thought HALLOWEEN was not too bad I couldn’t really stand HALLOWEEN 2 but, I still stand by the option that he would be the perfect director for MY MOVIE. I think he could capture the appropriate grit, violence, sex and greasiness that I envision for that. Also with that written, I have a half written script I would love to get in his hands, *MOONY SAD PUPPY EYES*.

LORDS4

This movie is TOTALLY different. Well, wait, except for the last 15 or so minutes. The first 1:45 is BEAUTIFUL with some seriously awesome slow panning, left to right camera moves – brilliantly thought out and well planned drama with CREEPY AS FUCK dream imagery – slow, demure score –  excellent, low-key acting – creepy, motherfucking, The Shining-esque, creepy-wallpaper-corridor shots and a seriously good story. The last fifteen-twenty minutes or so are very graphic ridden and strange featuring, a (I think) symbolism of The Holy Trinity beating off, which is what it is, but that could put people off. We’re talking real or prosthetic boners and schlurp schlurp schlurp schlurp sounds. YANK.

LORDS3

SO, yeah. I really loved most of this movie but the end put me off. Maybe if I watch it again it would be different but it felt cartoony and kind of pointless. There’s definitely some creepy shit in here and it might even scare you a little bit. It’s very dark and full of symbolism but thankfully, there’s not a shitload of FUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCK dialogue and I actually really like Sherri Moon in this, glasses and all. I also really liked their take on the devil. WOAH. Also – Meg Foster should win something for what she did in here. Totally worth a re-watch…

45 comments

    • GaryLee828

      Smash, I agree with Isaacs, here. No need to waste your time with Zombie’s Halloween sequel; it’s not a remake of the original Halloween sequel; it is it’s own film, and it is absolute garbage. I don’t have a single positive word to say about it. In Zombie’s defense the sequel turned out so poorly b/c he ran into budget issues and time restraints that caused him to rush it; so really it’s not the film he intended to make. And you can clearly tell while watching.

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      • theipc

        The only semblance to the original sequel is a dream sequence at the beginning involving a hospital which totally ruins the movie from the outset. THE SHAPE SHOULDN’T MAKE NOISE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

        BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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  1. GaryLee828

    Hey, I thought shitfest was over!? 🙂

    I was looking forward to this one after seeing the trailer, but just a couple minutes into it I quickly learned this movie was a complete joke! Those witches were supposed to be scary? They were over-the-top and more annoying than menacing. I felt like I was watching a poorly-executed cartoon with bad voice actors.

    Then after the lame witch scene, the story with Sherri is just predictable and follows a beat-sheet to the tee. Nothing out of the ordinary and goes exactly how you’d expect from a movie like this to go. I was so bored halfway through I fast forwarded to the ending, and as I suspected the finale was just as disappointing as the first half of the film had been.

    I agree with you about Halloween and Halloween 2; the first one was pretty good, while the sequel was awful. I think Zombie ran into some budget issues and had time restraints in the sequel, which would explain how the final product turned out so bad. I didn’t like House of 1,000 Corpes or Devil’s Rejects, but I do think Zombie has good vision with horror, and one of these days is going to deliver something spectacular.

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    • theipc

      We’ve been disagreeing on a lot of shit lately – maybe we should break up.

      J/K of course but I thought this was pretty good (except for that strangeness towards the end that didn’t feel like it belonged whatsoever).

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      • GaryLee828

        As if you could ever find anyone better!!! 🙂

        You’re right we’ve been disagreeing lately – I never would have watched “Jennifer’s Body” in the first place! lol.

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    • theipc

      I really liked this thing quite a bit : )

      I wish it hadn’t gone so sour at the end though : ( You should give it a shot – it’s nothing like his other stuff.

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  2. Probably Zombie’s most ambitious to date, but yet, it still doesn’t seem to work. Scary in bits and pieces, but ultimately, very odd just for the sake of being odd. And that doesn’t make a movie scary, just lazy. Good review.

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  3. thank the devil, someone else that likes this film as much as I do!!! (I was going to say ‘thank God’ but that seemed inappropriate). Anyway, I have my review all written and will probably post it by the end of the week. I for one LOVED THE ENDING and will explain why in my review, lest I take up a whole lot of space here 🙂

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  4. This movie was visually gorgeous, I just felt that the story fell a little flat. I am a huge Rob Zombie fan though! Lucky you, seeing them live and all that! Hmmmm, I think you have a point about your script belonging in his hands.

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      • I don’t know, dude. Maybe I’ll give it a chance when it shows up on the movie channels in a year or two. And then if I hate it, I’ll remember you compared it to one of my favorite movies & I’ll come back here and tell you off. 😉

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  5. Isn’t this meant to a homage to Ken Russell? I’m sure I read that somewhere. Nice write up. I loved The Devil’s Rejects, and I’m always on board for a Rob Zombie movie. I think he’s a bit underrated.

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    • theipc

      It could be.

      I think you would like this – this is really good looking and not super obnoxious like some of his shtick. You should give it a go while you’re having some beer.

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  6. Great review! And we seem to have such similar taste. If you’re ever in Tampa we should grab coffee and catch a horror movie. I really enjoyed this one right up until that last 20 minutes or so, when raw chicken midget satan comes strolIling out looking like an acid flashback. WTF, Rob!? But even with an ending I don’t really appreciate, it’s still a good time. His movies might be super violent music videos for the most part, but they’re almost always a damn good time.

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    • theipc

      I agree 100% – this was rockin and rollin until the last part but it didn’t kill the thing for me. THANKS for coming around yesterday!! If I’m ever down there it’s a deal – but I don’t like coffee – I’m more of a beer guy : )

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