*Slight spoilers up in this one*
One day I was wading through the shit-bowels of Netflix – wearing my thigh high rubber boots, mind you – and came across this movie that I had never heard of starring one of my faves, Angela Bettis. This sounded OK, so I ordered it up and when it arrived, I fired it up. This starts off pretty good with Bettis doing some jogging over the credits, we have some nice little flashback action about her as a younger girl, intro some new characters including someone you may or may not know – Christopher WHOTHEWHATTHE??? Titus in a serious role – and then BAM!!! Like a fart in my face, this got pretty stinky. See, this bastard here:
he runs a funeral home. And at night he knocks out kids with chloroform and sticks them on gurneys down in his basement. When they come to, they “play a game”. The game, you ask?? It goes like this – he tortures someone until the torturee tells him it’s OK to kill another person. If subject one doesn’t crack he goes and tortures subject B, hoping he / she will give him the OK to kill the other person. Sound good? It’s not. It’s gory, yes, but rather stupid. Eventually, when A or B give him the OK and he kills A or B, he then leaves the remaining survivor strapped to the gurney until he can bring in someone else to start the game over. What does the survivor eat?? Where does he / she poop?? What’s the fucking purpose??
The picture above is Bettis’ character as a kid. As luck would have it, one night her and her bestie (above, with the schmuck in the beret) are off smoking pot when they come across what’s-his-face funeral home guy dumping some trash (or something). So they peek in the building’s windows, of course, fall down and knock something over, of course, he comes out and busts them, of course, so he takes them inside, drugs them and straps them to the table, of course. See that wound on the girl’s chin? That’s THE SCAR the movie alludes to, I believe. Anyway, after some stabbings and staplings and whatnot, Bettis-child says he can kill her friend so he breaks her friend’s neck and goes off to do something.
In an unbelievable stroke of good fortune, he somehow manages to leave a scalpel right next to her hand so she cuts away her bindings, skulks around the room and shoves a giant needle into his stomach, filling him with embalming fluid. LUCKY!!! Someone go buy a lottery ticket!!! Anyway… so she survived and that one fucker is dead and now she’s all grown up and visiting her brother (Titus) and his daughter and WHAT THE FUCK??? Just when she gets back in town the killings start all over!!!! JESUS CHRIST!!!! Is it her??? Has she gone batshit??? Is the 4 foot 3, 84 pound Bettis stringing dead bodies up in a tree??? Did she really just escape from a prison with NOBODY seeing her walk out of there??? Did she really just cut her thumb off with the bottom of a broken beer bottle???? Did I really just run into a new guy in the office break room and ask “What does it like to be called?” instead of the traditional “What’s your name?”??? Oh well. Either way – I doubt SCAR is gonna be the movie for you.