Isaacs Picture Conclusions

APOCALYPSE AND THE BEAUTY QUEEN (2005) TERRIBLE

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I know that SHITFEST FALL is over but that doesn’t mean that I’m not still on the wall, watching out for you and protecting you from vile and evil demons, so, things like this will continue to pop up when I watch them – and then I’ll report back as I see fit. Let me tell you right now that this was miserable in all aspects, it felt like it was five hours long, made no sense and it kind of even hurts my feelings that I watched it. But I am here for you – throwing myself on that grenade, taking a good rogering for the team, so you don’t make the mistake and pull the trigger on bullshit like this. Spoilers ahead.

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You know how some people talk real slow and all to make it sound like their voice is deep and gravelly, to indicate life is HARD or they’re a bad ass? Well, I hate that tactic and it really stands out when I hear people doing it, because I can’t stand it so much, especially when it’s a chick. This starts off with a slow talking, gravelly voiced chick doing a voiceover, showing us some blurry landscapes, talking about how the economy went to hell and this and that and this and that and blah blah blah blah something or other and this fashion model now rules the county. Not the country, the county. OK. She’s a total bitch and likes to fake laugh as loud as possible and as this opens up she’s making two girls lay down in the snow, topless, while some fellow in (I think) some sort of bear skin coat smokes cigarettes nearby. YAY.

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Cut to: the girl who was doing the voice-over in some headstone maker’s house. Here, the headstone maker gives a long, boring monologue about how his goddamn hands were once young and now they’re old and you won’t give a shit because it’s stupid and there’s terrible music playing. Eventually the voice-over character, whose name is Sylvie, goes out for some food or something and gets seduced by the bearskin coat fucker. Seduced by some bread I think. Not cash-bread, a loaf of bread. Then she blacks out and wakes up in a car – “YOU MOTHERFUCKER!!!”  she screams but that doesn’t get her out of her pickle.

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Turns out the queen of the county likes to bathe in the blood of virgins even though these girls all look like they’re in their thirties who I would doubt have never have had sex, from the looks of them.  There’s also something going on about something else that I forget and there’s a giant rapper playing a school teacher turned hit man and this is all really pretty stupid. Here’s the big spoiler, the guy in the bear jacket was actually behind the whole goddamn thing and when she asks “WHY?????????????????” we actually get something even worse than the abysmal “Because I could” response. Why is he kidnapping and having all of these girls killed? Why? WHY?? WHY?????????? “I did it for the pussy.” he answers before getting shot. Good gravy. Not even a couple of mud wrestling chicks could save this. OH wait – this had that and it still sucked.

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Miserable from start to finish and filled with a terrible musical score that I think had some lute playing, this is one to NOT ATTEMPT.

32 comments

    • theipc

      Well…. I don’t think you’ll be gushing anything out of yourself with this one – BUT – you have been itching to watch something shitty….

      Like

  1. Random, but can I just say that for me half the fun of this review is in the tags? The film warrants not one, but THREE negative words (terrible, misery, and STUPID), the simple, to-the-point word “boobs,” and my personal favorite, “a bunch of dumbasses.” Well done, sir.

    Like

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