A few weeks ago I had to take some time off to get some work done around my house. One of those days I actually had some peace and sat down with the dAgs to watch something on TV. There’s was NOTHING on my cable provider, iTunes or in my possession that I wanted to watch and I came across this thing. When I first started this place, it was just for a couple of friends and I to go on and on about certain movies we watched since we couldn’t do it on our work emails or anything – I had no idea what blogging was about. Eventually someone liked one of my posts and I was all “WHAT’S THIS???” and I learned that it’s OK to actually interact with people that I don’t know (which is a big stretch to people who have known me for awhile). Anyway, once I started looking at other people’s shit and all of that, I remember seeing someone do a post about this movie here, HOLLOW. So, two years later, I watched it and wrote this little piece about it. SPOILERS!!!
This may come as a big shock to you, my Most Beloveds but here you go: EVERYONE FUCKING DIES. But that shouldn’t come as some big surprise, since we’re dealing with the found footage gimmick and we ALL know how these things turn out – 99% of them are all crap. I actually didn’t know this was FF until it started it and then, being the optimist that I try to be, I hoped for something new or original or promising and all I got for my fucking troubles was 90 minutes of irritation and a developed a sense of pity for the people involved with this, including myself. Cry for me, My Beloveds. Cry for my shame.
Here’s a summary for you (run-on sentences may or may not follow): Four twats go into the English countryside where someone’s withered old grandpa died, they find a bunch of religious shit because he was, conveniently, a preacher and they all get scared by: a fuckin’ tree. The tree has a “hollow” trunk and for some stupid reason, allegedly causes lovers to commit joint suicide so, naturally, they all hang around it and – hey – I smell pot. I think the fence guy is smoking weed. Anyway, back to the story, the place they’re staying in has no power so they have to use the goddamned video camera for light and they all yell and scream and fight and hear things outside and yell and scream and fight and hear more things outside and there’s some shit that has something to do with some religious mystery that made no sense and I didn’t even care and eventually they all get:…………….. HANGED. END. What the fuck? This was terrible and I hated it.
Yep – I just went out to the garage after that last paragraph to get a beer and it totally reeks of weed out there. It smells like the old timey good weed, the shit that just grew in the dirt and cost 2 bucks for a doob. I really don’t smoke very often any more (because) nowadays everything’s all Medical and grown in a lab and, quite frankly, it’s too fucking strong. I remember the old days when you could just fire up the bong and play Uno all night. THE GREEN MILE!!! Oh well. Speaking of grass, I probably could have used some to help make it through this. I swear to you the last 20-25 minutes of this when three of them are trapped in a dead car are 20-25 minutes of the most irritating bullshit you’ll see any time soon, if you elect to watch this, which I wouldn’t ever advise. Those 20-25 minutes are very reminiscent of this full length piece of shit: FIVE ACROSS THE EYES.
So… yep. Everyone ends up getting hanged in that stupid, fucking tree. After 89 minutes of terrible, stinky shit, they all end up dead in that tree. Who did it? The message boards on IMDB trend that it was one of the characters, possessed by the spirit of an insane monk that resides in the hollow trunk of the tree. More world-wise others think that it’s just the one character who went berserk when he couldn’t get his ex-girlfriend to fall back in love and bop his brains out – which doesn’t really make sense unless he was super strong and could yank an adult human out of a car window. Others, like myself, don’t really give one fuck and say “ADIOS, MOTHER FUCKER” to this stupid movie and, I can’t remember what movie it was that I saw this, but I am also going to pee on it as I close this out. Well, that would mean peeing on my TV so I’m not going to do that, but I think you get it : )