Isaacs Picture Conclusions

DEVIL’S POND (2003) ONE TOP HAT

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This is one of the stupidest movies I’ve ever seen. SPOILERS and deliberate run-on sentences in this one if you’re considering it, but I really hope you won’t be. The plot – a dopey eyed Tara Reid marries a dopey eyed Kip Pardue and they head off to an island so remote that no one will ever find them, there’s no cell service, no TV and no running water – for their honeymoon.  That sounds like every little girl’s dream but she goes along with it anyway and just about two days into it she wants to go to town and call her mom to tell her they made it but he won’t let her and she’s conveniently afraid of water so she’s trapped and keeps getting yelled at and then slapped around a little and her birth control pills go missing and blah blah blah a bunch of bullshit.

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“Look at me! Am I confused? Sad? Pensive? Wait, what does pensive mean, again?”

I mean, nothing here makes any sense. She’s on the island, he won’t let her go to shore, they yell and scream at each other and then apologize and do G-Ratedly do IT. The next day the same thing happens so they scream at each other and G-Ratedly do IT. “We said we’d be here for two weeks!!!!!!!!!!” He screams unmenacingly – meaning they can’t go off the island to get food until then. OK..? What the fuck? Uh… annulment!! So she waits two weeks, learns how to fish and stare into space.

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“I think I am just confused when it’s all said and done…”

Two weeks go by and he still won’t let her go to town but she gets the balls to try and sneak out one night floating across the river on a life preserver or floatie cushion or something stupid (because he sunk the boat). So she gets to the truck and it won’t fucking start and what do you know, he’s somehow right outside the window and even though he beats her up every now and then she won’t shoot him with the shotgun so he punches through the window and she blacks out and wakes up back on the island chained to a fucking rock.

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“HUH? I don’t understand.”

Of course the chain is around 300 feet long so she can still cook and clean and make babies but she can’t go to the store. I have no earthly idea why this is rated R but it is. I figured we’d be getting a look at Reid’s giant boobs but there’s no such luck – this is about as risky as it gets:

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See that raft? Earlier in the movie, to establish her character’s incredible fear of the water, what’s his face put her on the raft in the middle of the water and, conveniently, it popped and sank so we learn about her inability to swim because she’s too scared. Towards the end of the movie, Pardue goes across the stream to the truck so she somehow hacks the big chain in half with an axe, fishes the sunken raft out of the water with a fishing pole, repairs it with bandaids from the first aid kit and manages to blow it up. Once blown up, she paddles across the river and, instead of running for her safety, she retrieves a bear trap, paddles back across the river to the island and buries the goddamned thing in the sand. And he’s only gone for about five minutes.  Whatever. Anyway. This movie was so stupid I can’t even believe it so we’ll end on a positive note:

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26 comments

  1. The just married and he became like… her captor?! WHO KNEW?!

    Did the movie ever explain why he is such a jackass?

    What the hell do you spend your time watching?

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  2. Admit it, you knew this would be bad, but you watched it for our entertainment anyway, right? 😛
    Tara Reid should have pursued more offbeat films like Lebowski, instead of trying to be the next direct-to-video blonde twit.

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    • theipc

      LOL – I watch these things because I drink a bunch of beer and then decide to go down the Netflix rabbit hole of crap. Then, a month later something like this shows up and I’m all “What the fuck is this??” and then have a lot of time to kill so I go ahead and give it a whirl.

      I think Reid’s career went bad ever since she was at that awards show and her boob feel out of her dress for twenty minutes and she had no clue about it…

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  3. WTF? Fear of water or no, the first time that dopey-eyed little bitch screamed at me, I’d have been feeding his balls to whatever random animals inhabit the Island of the Fucktarded. Thank you, once again, for protecting us from the AWFULNESS of Tara Reid movies. (You know, I actually liked her in the first three American Pie flicks. And I’d still like to see her boobs.)

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  4. GaryLee828

    Dude, I was switching channels one night about a year ago, or so, and came across this and watched for a couple minutes and started laughing at how bad it was; I turned away and never returned. When I first saw “Devil’s Pond” on your headline my immediate thought was “I’m unsubscribing if he gives this 4 top hats!” lol.

    Like

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