From the SHITFEST DVD bundle comes another stinker that’s almost too shitty to write about – ROOM 33. A terrible movie with terrible acting, heinous dialogue, pitiful directing, shitty special effects and a villain that makes no goddamn fucking sense at all, this is an hour and a half of pain. I’ll get into some specifics here in a bit but you know what bothered me the MOST about this?? You know that ridiculous accent white people make when they try and sound all gangster? Do you know what I’m talking about? Think Franco in SPRING BREAKERS except all demure and shit. There’s six leads in this and four of them all talk like that. It was so irritating. I’m guessing these guys are classically trained. The ONLY thing this gets points for is that three of the characters are roller derby ladies – and I LOVE some roller derby!!
So, three chicks and two dudes are in a van rapping about their trip upstate to a roller derby match when they come across a wrecked car in the road. A dude is standing there with a bleeding head and his girlfriend is nearby (who is the only good thing about this movie). They hop in the Derby Van and head down the road but – SHIT!! the end of the road is blocked off by a fence and the van is straight up out of gas, y’all. Naturally, they set out on foot and end up in an old, decrepit insane asylum where they decide to stay the night. In a bizarre twist of fate a young lady (above) resides there and she’s covered in blood and babbling nonsense. Until it’s explained an hour later, we are to assume she’s been living in the ruins of this fucking building for the decades it’s been abandoned. Right.
*SPOILERS AHEAD* After this big development, a couple of them go back to the van for their bags and one of them decides to strip and go roller skating around the joint:
Back at the van we encounter our bad guy: a dude who walks around and has black eyeballs and screams. He opens his mouth and screams and then you’re dead with what appears to be strawberry jelly smeared over your eyes. Did you get that? He screams and your eyes come out. And he’s the physical manifestation of the multiple personality of the crazy woman’s dad….? And he’s killing people??? WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA??? And blond lady above accidentally beats the girl below in the head with her baseball bat so she gives a passerby a blow job so he doesn’t see the body??? HUH???? And the woman is crazy because her dad pumped her full of LSD (in room 33) ever since she was a kid?? And, after it’s all said and done and her imaginary dad person has killed eight innocent people she throws herself off the roof?????? WHAT????? FUCK!!
ROOM 33 is a terrible fucking spectacle compiled of misery and pain. I encourage you to never watch this for fear you might end up harming yourself. All my love,