Isaacs Picture Conclusions

ROOM 33 (2009) ONE TOP HAT

ROOM33

From the SHITFEST DVD bundle comes another stinker that’s almost too shitty to write about – ROOM 33. A terrible movie with terrible acting, heinous dialogue, pitiful directing, shitty special effects and a villain that makes no goddamn fucking sense at all, this is an hour and a half of pain. I’ll get into some specifics here in a bit but you know what bothered me the MOST about this?? You know that ridiculous accent white people make when they try and sound all gangster? Do you know what I’m talking about? Think Franco in SPRING BREAKERS except all demure and shit. There’s six leads in this and four of them all talk like that. It was so irritating. I’m guessing these guys are classically trained. The ONLY thing this gets points for is that three of the characters are roller derby ladies – and I LOVE some roller derby!!

ROOM33B

So, three chicks and two dudes are in a van rapping about their trip upstate to a roller derby match when they come across a wrecked car in the road. A dude is standing there with a bleeding head and his girlfriend is nearby (who is the only good thing about this movie). They hop in the Derby Van and head down the road but – SHIT!! the end of the road is blocked off by a fence and the van is straight up out of gas, y’all. Naturally, they set out on foot and end up in an old, decrepit insane asylum where they decide to stay the night. In a bizarre twist of fate a young lady (above) resides there and she’s covered in blood and babbling nonsense.  Until it’s explained an hour later, we are to assume she’s been living in the ruins of this fucking building for the decades it’s been abandoned. Right.

ROOM33C

*SPOILERS AHEAD* After this big development, a couple of them go back to the van for their bags and one of them decides to strip and go roller skating around the joint:

33X

Back at the van we encounter our bad guy: a dude who walks around and has black eyeballs and screams. He opens his mouth and screams and then you’re dead with what appears to be strawberry jelly smeared over your eyes. Did you get that? He screams and your eyes come out. And he’s the physical manifestation of the multiple personality of the crazy woman’s dad….? And he’s killing people??? WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA??? And blond lady above accidentally beats the girl below in the head with her baseball bat so she gives a passerby a blow job so he doesn’t see the body??? HUH???? And the woman is crazy because her dad pumped her full of LSD (in room 33) ever since she was a kid?? And, after it’s all said and done and her imaginary dad person has killed eight innocent people she throws herself off the roof?????? WHAT????? FUCK!!

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ROOM 33 is a terrible fucking spectacle compiled of misery and pain. I encourage you to never watch this for fear you might end up harming yourself. All my love,

ei

56 comments

  1. What I read of this review, blah blah blah roller derby ladies blah blah blowjob blah… am so buying this movie 😉 just kidding but I do think I have to watch it to see if this will annoy me as much as it did you.

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  2. This is a manifestation of hubris; someone who is too dumb to know how dumb they are sees a bunch of horror movies and thinks to themselves, “Anyone can make one of these,” and voilà! Cinema merde. Maybe they even thought the dad phantom represented the daughter’s brave struggle against the patriarchy, ennui, and in-line skates.

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    • theipc

      This was a horrible chunk of shit and surely had to be done to write off some taxes or something. You and I could make a better movie with our cell phones.

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  3. Once again, your categories/tags are cracking my ass up. But truly, I’m sorry for the time you lost to this film. Bless you for putting yourself in the front line and telling us what to stay the hell away from. Hahaha.

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  4. GaryLee828

    Aw man it’s a good thing you warned us to steer clear of this one b/c judging by that amazing cover so many of us would have been instantly drawn in to watching it. 🙂

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      • GaryLee828

        I really think you should check out “The Perfect Host”. I know the trailer looks bad, but its misleading. I think you’d like it, and there’s an interesting twist at the end I think you’d like, as well. If you can watch “Room 33” you can watch “The Perfect Host” and before you say that you only watched Rm. 33 to keep it away from us, well then watch The Perfect Host for the same reason. If it’s terrible then you sat thru it to warn your subscribers how bad it is. 🙂

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      • theipc

        I’m still going to based on what you told me before. I just haven’t got around to it yet – been doing this marathon of movies for a big post that may eventually come out someday.

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      • GaryLee828

        Oh, I thought you were searching for new movies to watch when you’re bored and that’s how you came across this one. I know you’ve seen most of the horror films on my netflix page, but I have some good ones in the thriller genre and other genres, as well.

        I have a spanish thriller I’m going to watch tonight that’s supposed to be pretty unique and creepy, so if it’s any good I’ll let you know.

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      • theipc

        I do most of my movie looking at up at work when it’s slow and most that is through Netflix DVDs or iTunes. Most of the time they have netflix streaming blocked so if I’m out of DVDs or don’t want to spend any money on something shitty, I reach into the SHITFEST drawer with nothing else to do. I don’t mind watching a crappy movie if there’s nothing else to do, but shit like Room 33 is not my first option.

        Btw I just queued up Host.

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      • GaryLee828

        Oh ok, I didn’t think you could watch movies at work b/c I thought you said you didn’t have sound b/c the speakers were broken, or something, so I was under the impression you were watching these at home when you could select ANY other movie you wanted. lol.

        I think you’ll like Perfect Host. It’s a weird movie. Right up your alley.

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      • theipc

        No – I have an iPad and a DVD player / TV – the computer I use to make this magic on has no speakers and everything in the world seems to be blocked when I use my iPad here…

        X_X

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    • theipc

      @Why do you keep doing this to yourself???

      Because boredom SUCKS ASS!!!!

      I wish you were a roller derby-er too – what could be your name? I actually work with a lady who does it (in California) her name is Filet of Flesh!

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  5. Yeah, that first pic of the review made it clear this would be a suckfest… and not the fun, dirty kind. If you want something to get the taste of this one out of your soul, check out the movie “Suck” – it’s godawful but ridiculously fun. Iggy Pop plays my favorite character in it. Claymation is involved, and Alice Cooper. You won’t regret it! 😉 Happy Halloween from me and all the hedgies.

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    • theipc

      Hi Nicole!!

      I just made a note to try and find a copy of SUCK – I’ll let you know how it goes – Happy Halloween to you all too!!!

      BTW – when I signed up for your blog I got a free blog on blogger. You can check it out on my profile from your page I think. I don’t really know how it works on that site or where I’ll go with it but it’s there. Maybe we can collaborate…?

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  6. Pingback: Marvelous Mondays: Elektra 2005 by the IPC | Life of this city girl

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