Hey dudes, Smash here reporting for The IPC. Sup?
A couple of weeks ago something exciting happened. I woke up, rubbed the sleep out of my tired eyes, and checked my emails. Much to my delight, I’d gotten something from Isaacs. He told me that I won Shitfest Fall. My jaw actually dropped and I stared at the screen in total shock for a few minutes before it fully registered. I won. I fucking won.
I was just in it for a good time and to discover some cool new bloggers. I thought maybe I could provide a chuckle or two then go my merry way. But you dug it. You dug it enough to cast your votes my way, crowning me your Shitfest Champion. Thank you. From the warm and gooey center of my being, I’d like to thank you. Thank you to the people who voted for me, to the people who participated in Shitfest, to the people who leave hilarious comments on this blog, and a major thank you to Isaacs for dreaming this whole thing up.
As the winner, Isaacs and I had to talk about my options: cash or trophy. There ain’t no pride in cash rewards my peeps. It’s all about the trophy for Smash. And so we made it work. Isaacs ordered a beautiful trophy and had it shipped to The Great White North just for me! I was beyond excited when I got home from work one night and found a rather sizeable package waiting for me.
I fucking love opening presents more than anything. The experience of opening this box was akin to the euphoria I feel when I dupe my man into letting me open my Christmas gifts a few weeks early.
It was glorious.
And I couldn’t have been more excited if my life depended on it.
Now I know you must be thinking that this victory may have gone to my head. Maybe it’s changed me. Maybe I’m not as grounded as I used to be. Maybe that fun-loving drunk girl went and got all highfalutin on us. Well, I’m here to assure you that such is not the case by giving you a peek into the life of a Shitfest Champion.
I still get up in the morning to enjoy a modest breakfast.
And I make sure to get a couple of hours of SNES into my day. I’ve been having a sick DK3 run lately.
But I also like to get out.
I still run my own errands, because I like to stay grounded.
I make time for the seasonal activities that I cherish as well.
And when I’m tuckered out from a long day of championing all over town, I curl up in bed for a good night’s rest.
I’m still the same old Smash I always was, just keeping it real. Only now, I have a new best friend to share all of my adventures with. I love this fucking trophy so much. I’ll be buried with it one day if I’m lucky.
Winning Shitfest will make you feel indestructible. Probably brilliant too. And super fucking awesome like you can bench press a goddamned gorilla that ate a whole bag of speed. The speed makes him extra squiggly, a more difficult feat than when he’s clean. Winning Shitfest is like living in a Skittles commercial, but instead of Skittles pouring out all over the place you’re tripping on an overload of victory 24/7.
My advice to future Shitfest champions: when you win be cool about it, man. Don’t let that shit go to your head. It’s so easy to get caught up in the superstar bullshit drama when you’re on top of the world. Before you know it, a new season of Shitfest commences and a new champion will arise victorious.
Enjoy this moment in the sun while it lasts. And choose the trophy because cash won’t ever make your win feel as good.