Hey dudes, Smash here reporting for The IPC. Sup?
A couple of weeks ago something exciting happened. I woke up, rubbed the sleep out of my tired eyes, and checked my emails. Much to my delight, I’d gotten something from Isaacs. He told me that I won Shitfest Fall. My jaw actually dropped and I stared at the screen in total shock for a few minutes before it fully registered. I won. I fucking won.
Unbelievable.
I was just in it for a good time and to discover some cool new bloggers. I thought maybe I could provide a chuckle or two then go my merry way. But you dug it. You dug it enough to cast your votes my way, crowning me your Shitfest Champion. Thank you. From the warm and gooey center of my being, I’d like to thank you. Thank you to the people who voted for me, to the people who participated in Shitfest, to the people who leave hilarious comments on this blog, and a major thank you to Isaacs for dreaming this whole thing up.
As the winner, Isaacs and I had to talk about my options: cash or trophy. There ain’t no pride in cash rewards my peeps. It’s all about the trophy for Smash. And so we made it work. Isaacs ordered a beautiful trophy and had it shipped to The Great White North just for me! I was beyond excited when I got home from work one night and found a rather sizeable package waiting for me.
I fucking love opening presents more than anything. The experience of opening this box was akin to the euphoria I feel when I dupe my man into letting me open my Christmas gifts a few weeks early.
It was glorious.
And I couldn’t have been more excited if my life depended on it.
Now I know you must be thinking that this victory may have gone to my head. Maybe it’s changed me. Maybe I’m not as grounded as I used to be. Maybe that fun-loving drunk girl went and got all highfalutin on us. Well, I’m here to assure you that such is not the case by giving you a peek into the life of a Shitfest Champion.
I still get up in the morning to enjoy a modest breakfast.
And I make sure to get a couple of hours of SNES into my day. I’ve been having a sick DK3 run lately.
But I also like to get out.
I still run my own errands, because I like to stay grounded.
I make time for the seasonal activities that I cherish as well.
And when I’m tuckered out from a long day of championing all over town, I curl up in bed for a good night’s rest.
I’m still the same old Smash I always was, just keeping it real. Only now, I have a new best friend to share all of my adventures with. I love this fucking trophy so much. I’ll be buried with it one day if I’m lucky.
Winning Shitfest will make you feel indestructible. Probably brilliant too. And super fucking awesome like you can bench press a goddamned gorilla that ate a whole bag of speed. The speed makes him extra squiggly, a more difficult feat than when he’s clean. Winning Shitfest is like living in a Skittles commercial, but instead of Skittles pouring out all over the place you’re tripping on an overload of victory 24/7.
My advice to future Shitfest champions: when you win be cool about it, man. Don’t let that shit go to your head. It’s so easy to get caught up in the superstar bullshit drama when you’re on top of the world. Before you know it, a new season of Shitfest commences and a new champion will arise victorious.
Enjoy this moment in the sun while it lasts. And choose the trophy because cash won’t ever make your win feel as good.
This is pure greatness!!! LOVE IT!!
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Thank YOU for letting me write something for your site. It was an exquisite thrill, and I’d do it again any time 😉
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Absolutely we should do something again!!
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EXCELLENT!!! And in many ways, the trophy also won. 🙂
And kudos to Eric for spelling Rumpelstiltskin correctly!
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Thanks! I’m going to give that trophy the best home a trophy could ever hope to have.
It’s a good thing that title is spelled correctly, otherwise there would be hell to pay, lol.
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I was very, very careful in trying to get that spelled correctly : )
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Reblogged this on Smashing Through Life! and commented:
Check it out dudes, a little piece I wrote from my buddy over at The IPC. Just my thoughts on how winning Shitfest has been for me so far. Thanks again to Isaacs for letting me enter the contest, and for shipping me a new BFF!
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Thanks for the reblog!! This is wonderful!
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This is awesome! I am so happy that you went to the grocery store with that trophy for our amusement. BTW, my husband came home with a VHS of Rumpelstiltskin the other day and I was like, “Oh no, that movie totally won Shitfest, it was so bad it made this blogger curse profoundly and comedically at its awfulness, I can’t believe you brought that in this house!”
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I’m glad you enjoyed it! Grocery shopping with my trophy was the highlight of my week for sure.
You could watch old Rumpel for a laugh, but I wouldn’t advise it lol.
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I’m just happy the trophy is able to enjoy a nice breakfast!
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This might be the coolest thing I’ve ever read! Congrats again! Next Shitfest, the trophy shall be mine!
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I love it!! Good luck next time!!
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I strongly encourage you to reach for the stars and bring home that Shitfest win. Thanks Joseph, I’m so happy that enjoyed this post 🙂
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haha this is terrific. Congrats, Smash!!
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Thanks Tom, I’m glad you liked it.
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Epic trophy run, have u named him/her yet? 🙂
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Thank you! I’ve just been calling it Rumpel, so I guess the trophy is a he?
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Congrats on the win… and for still having a working SNES this side of the millennium! 🙂
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Thanks friend 🙂 Honestly, I can’t live without that console. The paddles sure do creak a lot more than they used to though, lol.
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Don’t we all? 😦
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Is that last sentence supposed to be a dig Issac?
Haha xD
Congrats again Smash 😀
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LOL – I didn’t write this – Smash did : ) and I doubt she would ever dig on someone.
I wanted to send you a trophy but shipping something like that to England is almost 300 dollars from where I live…
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Joke Isaac haha just a joke ;D
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Thanks Tim!
No digs intended, lol. As the only other Shitfest Champ out there I can’t risk alienating you. Winners gotta stick together 😉
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Yeah we need to stand above the losers mwahahaha xD
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That’s amazing, love that trophy. Well done again Smash and loving the SNES love there as well 🙂
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Thank you sir!!
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Thanks man, I had a lot of fun putting this post together. And I’ll take any excuse I can to spend more time with my SNES!
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Haha, this is basically the greatest thing ever. I love DK3 on the SNES. Me and my fiancee play it all the time.
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I don’t even know what that is….
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It’s Donkey Kong Country 3. Did you not have a super nintendo console growing up? If not, I feel sorry for you because it was basically the greatest console ever invented.
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LOL… no….I had an Atari as a kid…
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Oh amazing! I’m so glad there are other people out there still playing SNES games as well 🙂
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How can you let this trophy go to Canada, EI? What kind of blog are you running over here???
Brian is going to break-up with you now.
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You guys voted!!
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But there should be a rule in place that strictly prohibits Canadians from winning! Or Frenchmen! So Brian would be disqualified, too!
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So I just finished The Perfect Host and I have to report back that I didn’t love it. I didn’t really believe in either of the two main characters and then I thought the whole twist thing went on too long and kind of sullied everything that came before. I thought the best part of the movie was when he was walking out of the place where he works and his friends join him.
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I didn’t think you’d love it like “May” or anything, but I thought you’d like it b/c it’s different; no way you knew who he was when you’re watching the first hour. It was unpredictable and dared to go against typical Hollywood formula. Even if you’re not crazy about it, it’s still a film you should watch since it’s so odd.
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It was OK – I just didn’t love it…
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Canada is very grateful to be home to such a prestigious trophy as this one. We’re gunna treat it right, don’t you worry Gary.
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Ha! Hilarious! Love it! Congrats again, Smash. I’m extremely jealous. And a little bitter. 😉 I want one!
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Thank you, I’m so glad people liked this post. For a minute there I was like “Oh man, people are gunna think I’m like a super weirdo for doing all this stuff” but then I forged ahead anyway because it’s the least I could do to honour this great festival of shitty movies.
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You are so awesome. That is all!
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Thanks doll! I can’t wait to show you my trophy when you get back 🙂
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Haha, great stuff! You do realise though that that big hole in the middle of the trophy is supposed to have a massive diamond in it? I think Eric is keeping them for himself.
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Waaaaat? So, I got ripped off? Why I oughta…!
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Haha! Excellent post. Congrats on your victory Smash. 🙂
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Thanks Mark, I’m glad you enjoyed it!
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Awesome!
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Thank you good sir! 🙂
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Guess what? The Jays are playing the Red Sox and it’s a nationally televised game on ESPN in the States! It’s the first time in years I’ve seen the Jays on ESPN. They’re getting some coverage since they’re improving; they have one of the best offenses in baseball when Encarnacion comes back! 🙂
Maybe we can squeak out a wildcard spot this year, but even if not they look to be in great position to do something next year for sure. Hopefully we can get another strong pitcher to sign in the off-season. Really just a couple pitchers away from contending for the World Series. We’re close. 🙂
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We’re tearing thru Boston’s pitching staff; they’re about to run out of pitchers. It’s 13-0 in the 6th. Toronto has gotten 9 runs this inning. lol.
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RA Dickey sat for 33 minutes waiting to come back in while the Jays batted in the 6th. lol.
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Hahaha I love your enthusiasm Gary! And I love that you finally got to enjoy a televised Jays game. Now if only they can keep this momentum up so you can watch a shit ton more games!
I watched every glorious minute of this game and loved my life. It certainly made up for the brutal beating that Boston dished out to the Jays last week.
I really hope with all my heart that we can clinch that wild card spot this year. That would be so frigging fantastic. You’d probably have to take a vacation to Toronto to come and watch a playoff game.
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Forget the wildcard; i want the East! 🙂
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