CHILDREN OF THE CORN (1984) NOT THAT GOOD
I remember, when I was a kid, reading a Fangoria magazine and they had a big article in that issue about this movie with a still from the set of some kids holding down a grown man, running his arm through an automated meat slicer and I thought “NO THANKS!!” because that type of shit scared me back then. So, I never watched this (or read the book) until the other week and I have to say that I didn’t love it. One of the main things that stood out as sucky for me was the synthesized background music; think 80s Doctor Who or, for those of you not trained in the Scientific Arts of Who – a slow and lazy Tangerine Dream.
Even though I was alive and kicking during the 80s, I found the special effects to be especially bad and it even looked like the lead (Peter Horton) wasn’t having any fun or believing in this thing. There was also Linda Hamilton hanging around as the co-star and her and her pouty lips didn’t really do it for me either, much less a bunch of ugly kids running around in stupid costumes. The story? A bunch of kids in a small town in Nebraska kill all of the adults and worship the devil who lives in a cornfield. Hamilton and Horton play lovers who don’t make love and get caught up with them. This wasn’t very good and looked terribly dated. How did this movie make 16 sequels???
CHILDREN OF THE CORN 2: THE FINAL SACRIFICE (1992) PRETTY STUPID
What the fuck? This movie was totally stupid. And I had to watch it on YouTube. In six increments. In something like 480P. It felt like it took all fuckin’ day. Anyway, this didn’t have anything too fun to offer. Some kids get possessed by the evil corn god and kill the adults.
One kid: We have to kill the adults!!
Another kid: Why??
First kid: Because they’re adults!!!!
Other kid: But they’re our parents!!?
First kid: BUT THEY ARE ADULTS!!!!!!
Other kids: Oh, OK.
This really didn’t have anything going for it. I mean – some guys go into a basement in the town from the first one and find a bunch of decayed corpses. I guess Linda Hamilton and whatshisface didn’t report anything after they left town in the first one? They didn’t call the cops and tell them that everyone had been brutally butchered?? huh? So these dudes find these bodies and then the cops come in and suddenly some cocksucker and his kid are driving around and head into town that’s suddenly empty – I guess the cops didn’t need to investigate anything? Sorry about that cocksucker – I’ve been watching Deadwood again.
In this still, this individual just discovered a TON of corn in his poop. A TON!! There’s also something in here about an American Indian curse, some toxic corn and a death by nosebleed. This wasn’t so good.
CHILDREN OF THE CORN (3): URBAN HARVEST (1995) NOT TOO BAD BUT THE ENDING SHOULD BE A CRIME PUNISHABLE BY DEATH
Unrelated to the first two (that I can tell), this tells the tale of two brothers who wear old timey Amish clothes. Well wait, they both do at the beginning and then one of them gets 1995 gangsta hip with the soundtrack featuring Ice-T and such. Stepping back a minute, back in Nebraska, a drunk hillbilly stumbles out of his trailer intent on murdering his older son out in the cornfields. Older son runs and runs through the stalks and finds his little brother by a scarecrow. “He’s gonna kill me!!” yells older son for reasons we will never know (maybe he was out in the corn giving his wang a good pounding??) and runs off. Younger son summons the spirit of the corn deity and promptly turns the dad into a scarecrow with sewn up lips. Um, ok?
Since these three live off in Nebraska – in a desolate corn field – in a trailer with no one around for 70 miles in any direction, they manage to get get adopted by a couple from Chicago and move to the big city. Nice writing! There, the older one gets assimilated into modern society, gets a chick and is schooled on what second base is and is somehow good at basketball even though he lived in a desolate cornfield, in a trailer, with no basketball goal and no one around for 70 miles. The younger one manages to grow some evil corn in a dirty alley and starts to kill everyone in the name of his god and his blue, bejeweled-with-blue-corn bible. Sorry if this one’s going a little long, I’m bored and restless.
If you can somehow manage to get over the terrible hairdos, fashion, plot holes and soundtrack (sorry, I’ve never been a rap guy) the majority of this movie isn’t too bad and kind of gory. But that’s all gonna change for you in the last 20 minutes when a giant mutated worm-corn-thing-with-at-least-three-eyes comes out of the ground and starts to kill all of the adults who are supposed to be teenage high school students (up to and including Charlize Theron in her first movie role, getting a tentacle up the mini skirt). I’ve never seen anything so fucking ridiculous. At one point the worm-thing – which is seemingly two or more stories tall, reaches out and grabs our Lisa Bonet / Cosby inspired character and – for tension – shows her in it’s grasp and it’s a FUCKING PLASTIC DOLL!!!!! It is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO absurdly fake it’s unbelievable. I can see the high-on-coke effects guys: “OK we finally got black haired Barbie in the hands. OK (sniff) OK (sniff) Ok, Kick leg one. Stop. Move Leg two. Stop. Move Arm one. Stop. Move hair a little. Stop. (repeat)” It’s SO ridiculous you won’t even believe it. I can’t believe I can’t find a gif or clip of it.
Oh – and there’s the Bonet / Cosby character (who gets eaten) going through the worm-Thing’s intestines or gastropods or whatever they are called screaming and moaning until she gets cut out by the older brother using his gangsta stiletto. So dumb. I had a lot of fun writing this so I don’t know whether to look forward to the next 95 movies in this series or be scared. Oh, and I’ve had a bunch of beer. XO but no tongue.
CHILDREN OF THE CORN IV: THE GATHERING (1996) SUCKY!!
This is the one with Naomi Watts – and it’s terrible. So far this franchise has scored Theron, Watts and Eva Mendes is in the next one – what the hell were they doing right?? That’s like Scrotey getting the hot chick. For those of you who haven’t been around a long, long time, here’s a piece I used to do – this one’s with Scrotes himself: CLICK THIS!! So, at the end of the last one, the adopted father of the two orphaned Amish kids was a corn salesman. Before he met his untimely demise he had brokered some sort of illegal transaction to ship his kid’s alley corn across the globe. That stupid thing ends with some guys in Japan (I think BUT I could be very wrong [it’s been a few days and a few beers}) opening a crate of corn that we know is blessed with evil. OH FUCK!!!!!
This one aborts any sort of tie in to that and starts off with Watts driving around in a car – back to Nebraska we go. Fuck Chicago! Yankees!!! Anyway, Watts comes home to her agoraphobic mom, a dude named Doc who doesn’t mind crawling under some sort of hay bailer to get a dropped bottle of booze, a little girl we’re supposed to care about and the uptight teenage boy. I honestly don’t give a fuck about racial this or that, but I found it weird that this Charles Manson Collector’s Card collecting teen in the middle of nowhere Nebraska was a black fellow, son to two very white older people, but OK.
This thing had all sorts of problems, aside from Watts early-career acting. Scythes were flying around all over the place, test tubes filled with blood were exploding, I didn’t really get why the ghost kid was smoking a human or something, I’ve had some beers waiting for the wife to get home and really can’t get why the Doc dude didn’t just walk around the farming equipment to pick up his Perfume Bottle of Rye Whisky and WHY, BY GOD, WHY did every scene include two or three dream sequences full of jump scares? Yawn my ass off to death.
I don’t think anyone’s gonna have to think to hard to figure out how this movie goes. SPOILERS: A bunch of people get killed in death scenes that may have seem novel at the time but are actually stupid, there are no boobs, butts or wangs (for the female readers) (or Brian), the acting is terrible, the plot is stretched and it ends with a corny one liner. I suppose you could do worse in your life than watching this, see SHITFEST, but this one was no good. Who keeps financing this shit? These things cannot be possibly making a profit.
CHILDREN OF THE CORN 5: FIELDS OF TERROR (1998) STINKIER THAN FRESH DONKEY SHIT
This one has Eva Mendes, David Carradine and some weird looking woman that we’ve all seen in something but I can’t remember what and it’s beer time where I live. This movie opens up to some ugly kid walking around in a corn field. He comes across some burning corn and badly drawn electricity shoots up from the fire and his body starts to glow – it looks like they were using the same special effects that used to be drawn in by interns – like the ones they used in RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD 2. They totally suck. TOTES. Next up these fucking kids kill some poor couple because the cornfield is rightfully theirs and then two corn-fodder douches are driving around lost. The male is giving a blow up doll a Rim Job and the female is all “Like, don’t do that, you’re so gross, y’all. WAY.” even though that style of White People talk went out 13 years ago to the date of this movie.
Before long, those two are thankfully murdered by the newest batch of the Children of the Corn but I guess these Cornies aren’t too picky because these victims weren’t adults. I mean, they were adults acting like teenagers but they weren’t “adults”. Or, at least, they were the youngest adults killed yet. Cut to some more douchebags driving around in a shitty looking car and they get lost and yawn they go to town and this movie is stupid and yawn I need some fresh air and my cat is staring at me and David Carradine is some sort of adult who no one has killed (in real life: THAT’S NO WAY TO GO MAN!!!) and something, something, somebody with a terrible hairdo is leaving and he’s a dick and someone inscribed something about something in this fucking book and Mendes this or thats and the taxi driver from Pulp Fiction is in this and so is the black fellow from From Dusk Til Dawn and just, this movie stunk.
CHILDREN OF THE CORN 666: ISAAC’S RETURN (1999) TERRIBLENESS
This one has Stacy Keach and Nancy Allen in it, bless their poor souls. This one is also all kinds of stupid and I guarantee you won’t like it. From TERRIBLE sound to TERRIBLE acting and MISERABLE storytelling, this movie is full of shit. One of my biggest pet peeves in movie watching is when some douche is talking on a cell phone to someone else on a cell phone and they disconnect and there’s a FUCKING CLICK or even a god dammed DIAL TONE!!!! Well – this came out before cells were getting popular so we don’t have to worry about that one but here’s number two on the Fucking Pisses Eric Off List: car tires that screech on dirt roads. For real??? Come on. There’s a lot of that in this dumb thing. And motorcycles riding around in cornfields. And way too much of this guy:
So, Isaac (no relation) – the bad kid from the first one that got crucified and killed in the original is back as a douche in a coma. Some girl rolls into town, goes to the hospital and touches him and he comes back to life. After 19 years in a coma with muscles that surely would have atrophied into decay, he’s soon up and back at it again. And he also has a teenage kid. They never say who the mom is but someone must have bopped his comatose weenie while he lay there sleeping. Also – the kid is of driving age so, if he was in a coma for 19 years, someone would have had to schtoop him 16 years ago. He looked like he was nine in the original so he must have been producing some good semen around the age of twelve. Blah, blah, blah, cornfield this and cornfield that and the girl who rolled into town earlier is knocked up with The Creature Behind the Row’s baby. PUHLEASE. And still no boobs in this entire franchise.
CHILDREN OF THE CORN (7): REVELATION (2001) UMMMMMMMM OK I GUESS
You know, I almost liked this one… almost. The sound is pitiful and the story is stupid but, this one looked good (for once) had some reasonable acting. some good looking people in it and wasn’t abhorrent. I think it’s funny that, being a franchise, NONE of these (aside from 1 and 6) had anything to do with each other, other than having some fucking corn stalks and some kids hanging around. There’s no continuity whatsoever and even the 6th one made no fucking sense regarding Isaac and his stupid coma. And kid. Maybe the sound story-line and significant film-making is lost on me somehow…? I don’t know for sure but I only have one more of these fuckers to go!!! WOO HOO!!!! FART!!!
This time around some good looking broad goes to Nebraska (I think) to see her grandma but her ole gran’s gone missing. So she decides to stay in her grandma’s decrepit apartment and she has some bad dreams and sees those two stupid kids above and Michael Ironside comes around and some chick takes off her clothes and her tits are everywhere and those kids kill a bunch of people and there’s something about some church revival tent fire and this and that it’s time for another beer and AAAAAAHHHHH and what else – oh not much. This one was the best looking of the bunch so far and had some boobs but it still wasn’t very good.
CHILDREN OF THE CORN (8): GENESIS (2011) NOT TOO BAD
Going in to this, I had never seen a single one of these things and, like someone recently said, if you saw the original back when you were a kid, it probably scared the shit out of you and you have fond memories of it. Well, I didn’t see it until 2013 and it didn’t do much for me so when I come out and say that I think this is the best of the bunch, that’s not saying too much because they were all pretty crappy IMO. This one didn’t rely on a bunch of idiotic kids dressed Amish style slicing people up with handmade scythes or ridiculous corn stalks growing into your body cavities and killing you. The ending was a little iffy but overall, I thought this was a decent movie and I stand by that this is the best of the bunch.
Aside from a dream sequence, we don’t have to deal with a bunch of corn as this takes place mostly in a house out in the middle of nowhere where a preacher and his foreign wife have their kid holed up in a barn. A couple of decent acting characters end up there after their car breaks down and tensions mount as the kid in the barn wants the female’s unborn baby. Everything looks modern since this was made in 2011 and there’s decent special effects so nothing looks like it’s drawn on a piece of film by an unpaid intern and there’s a cool looking sequence towards the end involving a series of car wrecks. Right after this I watched the latest Hellraiser movie (as I am working on a post much like this for that franchise) and this was A THOUSAND times better than that horrible piece of poop. I don’t this is going to be anyone’s favorite movie but I just sat through all of these and this one didn’t feel like torture…
ei over and out!!