Faced with an afternoon of nothing to do the day before I started writing this, I was browsing the cable company’s offerings of newly released horror and came across this – produced by none other than rock immortal Slash and starring Clancy Brown!! The trailer looked pretty good and even though a quick look at IMDB indicated that everyone hated it – I still pulled the trigger and gave it a watch. Very surprisingly, the trolls on the IMDB message boards proved to be correct this time around because this was a complete bore and it was almost two hours long and I couldn’t wait for it to end. In fact, I almost didn’t finish it – I can’t remember how long it’s been since I yawned so much my eyes watered… in any case – the film LOOKED good but nothing ever happened. Ever. Thinking about this, the people who might like this would probably be fans of VANISHING ON 7TH STREET, I’M NOT JESUS MOMMY or maybe even MONSTERS.
Speaking of MONSTERS – from the producers of MONSTERS comes NOTHING LEFT TO FEAR – and, just like in MONSTERS, this movie features dozens and dozens of lengthy shots of people walking around, moping and whisper talking. Walk, walk, walk, talk, talk, talk, walk, walk, walk, talk, talk, talk. Eat some cake, find a demon tooth in the floury delicacy, talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk. Go to the fair, talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk. Get possessed:
puke puke puke, talk talk talk murder murder walk walk walk walk to a stupid ending that didn’t make any goddamned sense. For real – THAT’S how this ended? Huh?? BOO. Insincere fake smile. Oh well. I guess this did have a couple of good moments and some decent looking special effects, but it was so drawn out and long and boring that I just can’t recommend it and have to agree with some of the IMDBers that, at about halfway through this, I was so done and just wanted it to be over.
And, with that, I’m going to switch gears and talk about something else I watched the other day. If you happen to be bored and checking various VOD outlets, such as iTunes and happen across a curiously named film called 1972 YELLOWHOUSE – run away. Spray mace, fart, piss to mark your territory, do whatever but don’t rent it. Filmed like your grandparents’ first video with CONSTANT light effects and a continual clickity clickity clickity film reel sound effect going on – it actually gave me a headache. I couldn’t tell what the fuck was going on the entire time, it’s somehow non linear and the last twenty minutes are two or three images superimposed over others. It was miserable and there’s not even any pics out on google to give to you. Trust me on this one. It’s also called EXIT 91 SUMMERLAND on IMDB. UGH on that shit.