I may be in the big minority in this (or maybe I’m just dumb) (which is always a probability) (and I’m having some beers) but – this movie, co-written by Dario Argento and directed by Mario Bava’s son… this thing is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO stupid I could barely believe it. Granted it was the middle of the 80s and everything really sucked in society and entertainment but – THIS?? And it had a sequel?? THIS??? THIS??? OMG this was terrible. And yet – no, wait – it was still terrible. Terrible. Looking at the IMDB message boards to get a read out of this thing, some people love it and everyone else hates its fucking guts. I don’t actually hate it but it’s awful and doesn’t make any fucking sense and I would never recommend it to anyone and the music sucks and (BOOOOOOOO Motley Crue BOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!) (sorry I know that might raise some hackles on a few Beautiful Readers) (Scrotey damn near killed me with Crue back in the day) fucking hell this was dumb.
So, this dopey but good looking girl is sitting on a train surrounded by a bunch of 80s idiots with spiked punk hair and stupid wardrobes. Suddenly she sees a jerk wearing a cape and a metally Phantom of the Opera mask so she freaks the fuck out!! SHIT!!! Then she’s off the train and the guy is chasing her around the fucking train station while a bunch of 80s synthesizers go off. He finally catches her!!! Her goose is cooked!!! Oh wait, he gives her two tickets to a movie. Snap.
Her and her bestie decide to go to the movie and they join a bunch of characters there in the theater including some horny dudes, a blind old man and his wife, a giant, black pimp and his two hookers and a bunch of other poorly dubbed extras. Before the movie, the chick in the pick above, one of the hookers, puts on a demon mask and it cuts her face, so naturally, she turns into a demon shortly after the movie starts. She then cuts her hooker friend with her gnarly demon talon and she also turns into a demon and then… IT’S ON!!!
Soon enough, everyone’s in on the party and turning in to demons and people are snorting coke and everyone’s getting killed and green goo is everywhere this guy rides a motorcycle over the movie seats and slashes up a bunch of people with a samurai sword and to top everything off, a helicopter crashes through the roof for no fucking reason but luckily there’s a giant grappling hook inside of the wreckage so two of them escape to the roof and WOAH the guy with Phantom of the Opera mask is there. What the fuck.
I have a feeling that if you saw this when you were a kid this could have been pretty scary to an eight or nine year old and you might have some fond memories of it. The special effects were probably pretty radical for the time and, if you’re like BRIAN, you were / are probably dreaming of opening your shirt, oiling yourself up and driving a motorcycle through a movie theater swinging a Samurai sword around while “Fast as a Shark” by Accept blasts over the P.A. But if you’re seeing this for the first time, 28 years after it came out – it’s not so good. In fact, it’s pretty dumb and everything looks terrible and stinks like cat piss. I can’t even wait for the sequel to show up in my mailbox.
Speaking of sucky, the following conversation was just overheard.
Girl 1: Maaaaaaaaannnn I had a shitty night last!
Girl 2: You gots drunk?
Girl 1: I did and I dropped my phone in the toilet!
Girl2: GIIIIIIIIIRRRRRRRRRRRRLLLLLLLLL!! You get shit on yo phone??
Girl 1: I diiiiiid. I wasn’t even thinkin’.
Girl2: GIIIIIIRRRRLLLLLLL! You got shitty phone!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
Which reminded me of a story – be careful, this is a poop story – there’s no shortage of poop stories in my group of friends.
Years ago I had to travel to Orlando, Florida for work. After that was all over and done my friend and I were waiting at the airport to come back home. I decided to go have some beer and, since it was Halloween time, they had some sort of special, local pumpkin spiced beer. So I tried it and some extra hot hot wings and about ten minutes in, my stomach emulsified and I had to run to the bathroom with my butt all squeezed together and then combustably emptied everything into the toilet. After that miserable experience was over, I washed my hands and went back to the waiting area.
As I sat down I reached into my back pocket to get my ticket and it was gone. I panicked and ran back to the bar and it wasn’t there either. “OH NO.” My heart dropped and I slowly looked at the bathroom entrance. Sure enough, guess where it was?? In the toilet. Buried.
I’m not going to tell you how that ended up but the point of this was to bring something to your attention. I think most people probably come here through the reader or email so when you get here you just see the post in question. If you should ever click on the header, it takes you to a home page where I spend OCD meticulous time keeping that theme looking nice (at least to me). The point of that was to tell you that reblogs fuck with my theme so I don’t do them any more but, now that you’ve read two of the suckiest stories on the internet today, I would like to draw your attention to one of the best fucking things I’ve read all year. Written by our good buddy Brian, in case you missed it, you can find it here, by