*SPOILERS*
It’s no secret that I can be lured into a movie by a wicked fucking awesome poster – and, on the other hand I can be put off on something great if it has a bad one – think ABSENTIA. I got home from work the other day and flipped through the “pre theatricals” on cable VOD and saw this poster and FUCK YES. Then I watched the trailer and FUCK YES!!!! So I rented it up and started watching it and I was all excited and it was going along pretty good and then… sorry guys… then it just fell the fuck apart. I mean – I really liked the concept and the delivery and the idea the conclusion was supposed to make * I think * but some of this was just unbelievable and I couldn’t believe the actions these people took. They were almost laughable, and that hurts me because I wanted this to be one of my favorite indies. So – sorry again : (
Our lead (above) is a mopey, self described lesbian who appears to be on the outs with her old lady so she heads to a party thrown by another female-loving female and they drink it up and she gets loaded and has The Sex with some dude out in a car. Oh yeah, by the way, it was implied off screen that the dude in question was bopping a dead body in the opening scene.. A dead body with a toe tag that has the biohazard symbol on it. So – so far this was going good but one thing still lingered as iffy: I’m not familiar with bopping dead bodies but wouldn’t one with a biohazard warning on it be off limits? Hmmm….
So she porks the dude and wakes up at home the next day and – I don’t know much about STDs either but I think they take a while to fester?? – she gets out of bed and her sheets and nether garments are soaked in blood. I mean, not just a drop or two but, more like the Civil War Recreated. She cleans up and goes to work and then she has to piss and when when she’s done the stool is FULL of blood and icky gunk and her hearing is fucked up and her veins coming up from her – um – area – are all deeply varicose and nasty and this and that and this and that. So she goes to the doctor and he examines her and comes to the conclusion that she probably has a cold and should rub some ointment on her area down there.
So she does and by Day 2, her eyes start getting all fucked up and the veins are all black all over and her hair starts falling out and she’s leaning over the terlet with blood coming out of down there all over the place and, why this has all been very icky, this is where things start to get pretty iffy. She decides to go back to the doctor but her boss at the restaurant tells her she has to come in no matter what or her ass is on the line so she does and preps some salads despite the fact the she has to be as fucking contagious as a New York City sewer rat. The boss comes into the kitchen, sees her, tells her to go to the doctor for fuck’s sake and she finishes her salad prep, delivers them to the nice old couple and then gets some waters ready. And notices her fingernails are falling off. And, after peeling off a couple (*squirm*) notices she can’t find one. Guess where it is?
So she goes back to the god dammed doctor and he says something like “I can’t diagnose until your blood results come back but I think you have an STD so don’t come into contact with anyone, have a condom.” In this scene she looks like the girl in the poster at the top so here I stopped to think – “Well, I am no PhD but, if I was, I would use my logic box to conclude that this individual needs to be quarantined and the CDC called and I need to go bathe in bleach.” But no, he sends her on her way and she goes to her drug dealer’s friend’s house and dose some coke and then commits two acts of violent murder. Huh??? WHAAAAAAAAAA??
To cap things off, she calls up her moony, needy, ex boyfriend to have someone to talk to and, despite how hideously awful and moldy she looks, they have some sex. Granted, her hair is over her face and there are candles burning everywhere in the room so he must not be able to make out her rotten appearance or – be careful with this next sentence -how… she… must… smell…. he does it with her and – you know – fuck – I am whiting out the next bit. While he’s doing it with her maggots start falling out of – you know. GROSS!!! So she kills him too and then drives off into the sunset and turns into a fucking zombie – so maybe this is a cool way to look at how the Zombie Apocalypse could have been started? By The Sex?
In any case, this thing had so much potential – I really wanted to like it but there was so much lameness that I couldn’t, in the end. If I wasn’t married and saw the trailer for this, I would never have sex with anyone again and just live in my old apartment with the doors locked. In fact, the trailer was so upsetting I probably wouldn’t even ever touch my own junk for the rest of my life. Five Top Hats for the poster and trailer. Three for the overall production. Despite the flaws I saw, some of it was still pretty good and EWWWWWW.
Does sound an interesting premise, but I’ma go ahead and avoid it all the same.
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Sounds good – although – it’s not the worst movie I’ve seen in the last two weeks…
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🙂
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This should be called “Down There.”
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I can think of many things we could call this… we might save those for The Bloggers Cut….
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I hate contractors, they scewed up my patio, now all the water runs toward the house and into my back door and I tried to call them but the phone line is disconne… Oh wait, this isn’t about contractors, is it? Let me read the review and get back to you.
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I know – they’re pretty sucky… let me know when you need some work done and I’ll give you the number of my guy. Oh wait – right….
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I agree, great concept, sometimes its all about The Sex. There aren’t many horror movies about The Sex, is there? Maybe the Friday the 13th, but that’s all about what happens during The Sex, its not caused by The Sex.
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LOL – right!
I am watching a terrible movie that I bet you’ve seen… it’s called CONQUEST by Lucio Fulci… seen it?
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err, no. I don’t think so. I’m not a huge fan of Galio horror. I’ve only seen a few Fulci flicks and none of them made much sense to me. I like Bava’s early work but that’s about it for italian horror – I always think something got lost in translation.
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this thing is truly bizarre…
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Hahahaha, the ZA started by The Sex? Love it! Does sound very poorly executed and wicked ick though.
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It’s totally ICK, Misty…. wait for it….. TOTES!!!
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Mannnn! I’m still going to watch it, although I’ll lower my expectations accordingly. Funny stuff, my friend!
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Thank you sir!! Let me know what you think after you see it : )
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So much EWWWW don’t know where to start! :O
Maybe if I show this to the bf he’ll stop poking me in the back when I’m trying to sleep.
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LOL!!!!
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I don’t care how desperate of a dude you are, there is no way you’re going to bang a girl whose face is being totally overrun by a biohazzard-danger level of disease. Not to mention what was going on with her cooch! Jeez, this shit is fucked up.
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EXACTLY!! That was SO STUPID!!
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Her face was covered by her hair the whole time, so he didn’t even see; of course he could have seen if he had looked hard enough, but his desperation was so immense and he didn’t want the opportunity to slip away that nothing was going to stop him from inserting himself as quickly as possible, so he didn’t look at her face and I think she put the make-up on to cover her rash down there.
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Really?!? That is so crazy!
Was she covering her whole face in hair only during the banging though? Like I imagine the dude would have had to at least say a quick hello first before getting down to it. And in that case how could she hide that fucked up eyeball? Did she just yank him into a dark room? I could see that working, I guess.
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I don’t know how gross I can be out here with you Smash – what are the parameters?
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lol, you can be as gross as you want to, I’ll still be your friend.
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LOL
I think what Gary is missing here is that…. well…. if her business is so rotten that it actually has maggots falling out of it… well… that’s gonna be some serious STANK…
Hair covering the face and that eye or whatever…
PEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
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Hahaha!
Yeah, maggot cooter would be a real turn off.
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UM – NO THANKS!!
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Gees you sat through all of that nasty and “no boobs”?! That hardly seems fair!
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I KNOW!!!!
lol
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Dear god – why did I read that whited out bit? Why why why why why?!?! Lol – This is far too nasty for my sweet little self. 🙂
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I TIRED TO WARN YOU!!!!!!
+_+
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You’ve tainted my mind!!!
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Let’s take today’s lesson to heart – we now know that a whited out sentence and / or paragraph is to be avoided like a taint : )
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The sequel: Zombie Strippers!
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Perfect!
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There really must’ve been a lot of candles in that room. Was it like the wrapped around your finger video
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It was like your bathroom on a Friday night!
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That poster would make a killer album cover.
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Agreed!
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Hmmmm, probably not going to check this out!
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That’s probably a good call for you : )
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I immediately regret reading the bit you whited out.
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Well – I tried to warn everyone… : (
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Sounds like my ex-wife.
badum tish! 🙂
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He’ll be here all week!!!
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Forget Friday nights. That’s what my bathroom is like constantly. I probably spend $500 a month on candles.
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That’s why you’re so fucking cheap!!!
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Should I see this one??
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It’s a well made movie but things start going bad at the end – it just falls apart so I don’t think you’d like it.
Have you seen Absentia yet?
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I saw it a while ago. I remember being disappointed as I found it to be too vague.
I may try to check out Contracted b/c it appears as if it’s something unique; but I will remember you warned me about a bad ending.
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It is unique : )
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I just finished this. I thought this was actually really good aside from some pretty bad acting in parts. But it was unpredictable. I actually didn’t know she was turning into a zombie. That’s why I avoid trailers and message boards ahead of time so a movie can surprise me. If I had known all along she was becoming a zombie I don’t think I would have liked it much.
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