Isaacs Picture Conclusions

CONTRACTED (2013) 50 PERCENT WICKED 50 PERCENT SHIT

CONTRACTED1

*SPOILERS*

It’s no secret that I can be lured into a movie by a wicked fucking awesome poster – and, on the other hand I can be put off on something great if it has a bad one – think ABSENTIA. I got home from work the other day and flipped through the “pre theatricals” on cable VOD and saw this poster and FUCK YES. Then I watched the trailer and FUCK YES!!!! So I rented it up and started watching it and I was all excited and it was going along pretty good and then… sorry guys… then it just fell the fuck apart. I mean – I really liked the concept and the delivery and the idea the conclusion was supposed to make * I think * but some of this was just unbelievable and I couldn’t believe the actions these people took. They were almost laughable, and that hurts me because I wanted this to be one of my favorite indies. So – sorry again : (

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Our lead (above) is a mopey, self described lesbian who appears to be on the outs with her old lady so she heads to a party thrown by another female-loving female and they drink it up and she gets loaded and has The Sex with some dude out in a car. Oh yeah, by the way, it was implied off screen that the dude in question was bopping a dead body in the opening scene.. A dead body with a toe tag that has the biohazard symbol on it. So – so far this was going good but one thing still lingered as iffy: I’m not familiar with bopping dead bodies but wouldn’t one with a biohazard warning on it be off limits? Hmmm….

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So she porks the dude and wakes up at home the next day and – I don’t know much about STDs either but I think they take a while to fester?? – she gets out of bed and her sheets and nether garments are soaked in blood. I mean, not just a drop or two but, more like the Civil War Recreated. She cleans up and goes to work and then she has to piss and when when she’s done the stool is FULL of blood and icky gunk and her hearing is fucked up and her veins coming up from her – um – area – are all deeply varicose and nasty and this and that and this and that. So she goes to the doctor and he examines her and comes to the conclusion that she probably has a cold and should rub some ointment on her area down there.

CONTRACTED2

So she does and by Day 2, her eyes start getting all fucked up and the veins are all black all over and her hair starts falling out and she’s leaning over the terlet with blood coming out of down there all over the place and, why this has all been very icky, this is where things start to get pretty iffy. She decides to go back to the doctor but her boss at the restaurant tells her she has to come in no matter what or her ass is on the line so she does and preps some salads despite the fact the she has to be as fucking contagious as a New York City sewer rat.  The boss comes into the kitchen, sees her, tells her to go to the doctor for fuck’s sake and she finishes her salad prep, delivers them to the nice old couple and then gets some waters ready. And notices her fingernails are falling off. And, after peeling off a couple (*squirm*) notices she can’t find one. Guess where it is?

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So she goes back to the god dammed doctor and he says something like “I can’t diagnose until your blood results come back but I think you have an STD so don’t come into contact with anyone, have a condom.” In this scene she looks like the girl in the poster at the top so here I stopped to think – “Well, I am no PhD but, if I was, I would use my logic box to conclude that this individual needs to be quarantined and the CDC called and I need to go bathe in bleach.” But no, he sends her on her way and she goes to her drug dealer’s friend’s house and dose some coke and then commits two acts of violent murder. Huh??? WHAAAAAAAAAA??

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To cap things off, she calls up her moony, needy, ex boyfriend to have someone to talk to and, despite how hideously awful and moldy she looks, they have some sex. Granted, her hair is over her face and there are candles burning everywhere in the room so he must not be able to make out her rotten appearance or – be careful with this next sentence -how… she… must… smell…. he does it with her and – you know – fuck – I am whiting out the next bit. While he’s doing it with her maggots start falling out of – you know. GROSS!!! So she kills him too and then drives off into the sunset and turns into a fucking zombie – so maybe this is a cool way to look at how the Zombie Apocalypse could have been started? By The Sex?

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In any case, this thing had so much potential – I really wanted to like it but there was so much lameness that I couldn’t, in the end. If I wasn’t married and saw the trailer for this, I would never have sex with anyone again and just live in my old apartment with the doors locked. In fact, the trailer was so upsetting I probably wouldn’t even ever touch my own junk for the rest of my life. Five Top Hats for the poster and trailer. Three for the overall production. Despite the flaws I saw, some of it was still pretty good and EWWWWWW.

52 comments

  1. I hate contractors, they scewed up my patio, now all the water runs toward the house and into my back door and I tried to call them but the phone line is disconne… Oh wait, this isn’t about contractors, is it? Let me read the review and get back to you.

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  2. I agree, great concept, sometimes its all about The Sex. There aren’t many horror movies about The Sex, is there? Maybe the Friday the 13th, but that’s all about what happens during The Sex, its not caused by The Sex.

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  3. I don’t care how desperate of a dude you are, there is no way you’re going to bang a girl whose face is being totally overrun by a biohazzard-danger level of disease. Not to mention what was going on with her cooch! Jeez, this shit is fucked up.

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    • GaryLee828

      Her face was covered by her hair the whole time, so he didn’t even see; of course he could have seen if he had looked hard enough, but his desperation was so immense and he didn’t want the opportunity to slip away that nothing was going to stop him from inserting himself as quickly as possible, so he didn’t look at her face and I think she put the make-up on to cover her rash down there.

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      • Really?!? That is so crazy!
        Was she covering her whole face in hair only during the banging though? Like I imagine the dude would have had to at least say a quick hello first before getting down to it. And in that case how could she hide that fucked up eyeball? Did she just yank him into a dark room? I could see that working, I guess.

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      • theipc

        LOL

        I think what Gary is missing here is that…. well…. if her business is so rotten that it actually has maggots falling out of it… well… that’s gonna be some serious STANK…

        Hair covering the face and that eye or whatever…

        PEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

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    • theipc

      It’s a well made movie but things start going bad at the end – it just falls apart so I don’t think you’d like it.

      Have you seen Absentia yet?

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      • GaryLee828

        I saw it a while ago. I remember being disappointed as I found it to be too vague.

        I may try to check out Contracted b/c it appears as if it’s something unique; but I will remember you warned me about a bad ending.

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      • GaryLee828

        I just finished this. I thought this was actually really good aside from some pretty bad acting in parts. But it was unpredictable. I actually didn’t know she was turning into a zombie. That’s why I avoid trailers and message boards ahead of time so a movie can surprise me. If I had known all along she was becoming a zombie I don’t think I would have liked it much.

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  4. Pingback: [NEWS] The Monday Spew (2nd December 2013) « The Verbal Spew Review

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