It’s no secret that I can be lured into a movie by a wicked fucking awesome poster – and, on the other hand I can be put off on something great if it has a bad one – think ABSENTIA. I got home from work the other day and flipped through the “pre theatricals” on cable VOD and saw this poster and FUCK YES. Then I watched the trailer and FUCK YES!!!! So I rented it up and started watching it and I was all excited and it was going along pretty good and then… sorry guys… then it just fell the fuck apart. I mean – I really liked the concept and the delivery and the idea the conclusion was supposed to make * I think * but some of this was just unbelievable and I couldn’t believe the actions these people took. They were almost laughable, and that hurts me because I wanted this to be one of my favorite indies. So – sorry again : (
Our lead (above) is a mopey, self described lesbian who appears to be on the outs with her old lady so she heads to a party thrown by another female-loving female and they drink it up and she gets loaded and has The Sex with some dude out in a car. Oh yeah, by the way, it was implied off screen that the dude in question was bopping a dead body in the opening scene.. A dead body with a toe tag that has the biohazard symbol on it. So – so far this was going good but one thing still lingered as iffy: I’m not familiar with bopping dead bodies but wouldn’t one with a biohazard warning on it be off limits? Hmmm….
So she porks the dude and wakes up at home the next day and – I don’t know much about STDs either but I think they take a while to fester?? – she gets out of bed and her sheets and nether garments are soaked in blood. I mean, not just a drop or two but, more like the Civil War Recreated. She cleans up and goes to work and then she has to piss and when when she’s done the stool is FULL of blood and icky gunk and her hearing is fucked up and her veins coming up from her – um – area – are all deeply varicose and nasty and this and that and this and that. So she goes to the doctor and he examines her and comes to the conclusion that she probably has a cold and should rub some ointment on her area down there.
So she does and by Day 2, her eyes start getting all fucked up and the veins are all black all over and her hair starts falling out and she’s leaning over the terlet with blood coming out of down there all over the place and, why this has all been very icky, this is where things start to get pretty iffy. She decides to go back to the doctor but her boss at the restaurant tells her she has to come in no matter what or her ass is on the line so she does and preps some salads despite the fact the she has to be as fucking contagious as a New York City sewer rat. The boss comes into the kitchen, sees her, tells her to go to the doctor for fuck’s sake and she finishes her salad prep, delivers them to the nice old couple and then gets some waters ready. And notices her fingernails are falling off. And, after peeling off a couple (*squirm*) notices she can’t find one. Guess where it is?
So she goes back to the god dammed doctor and he says something like “I can’t diagnose until your blood results come back but I think you have an STD so don’t come into contact with anyone, have a condom.” In this scene she looks like the girl in the poster at the top so here I stopped to think – “Well, I am no PhD but, if I was, I would use my logic box to conclude that this individual needs to be quarantined and the CDC called and I need to go bathe in bleach.” But no, he sends her on her way and she goes to her drug dealer’s friend’s house and dose some coke and then commits two acts of violent murder. Huh??? WHAAAAAAAAAA??
To cap things off, she calls up her moony, needy, ex boyfriend to have someone to talk to and, despite how hideously awful and moldy she looks, they have some sex. Granted, her hair is over her face and there are candles burning everywhere in the room so he must not be able to make out her rotten appearance or – be careful with this next sentence -how… she… must… smell…. he does it with her and – you know – fuck – I am whiting out the next bit. While he’s doing it with her maggots start falling out of – you know. GROSS!!! So she kills him too and then drives off into the sunset and turns into a fucking zombie – so maybe this is a cool way to look at how the Zombie Apocalypse could have been started? By The Sex?
In any case, this thing had so much potential – I really wanted to like it but there was so much lameness that I couldn’t, in the end. If I wasn’t married and saw the trailer for this, I would never have sex with anyone again and just live in my old apartment with the doors locked. In fact, the trailer was so upsetting I probably wouldn’t even ever touch my own junk for the rest of my life. Five Top Hats for the poster and trailer. Three for the overall production. Despite the flaws I saw, some of it was still pretty good and EWWWWWW.