Isaacs Picture Conclusions

ISAACS INTERVIEWS: SILVER SCREEN SERENADE

ISAACSMIC

Here we are again!! Another beautiful interview session, this time with the brilliant and always happy making Cara from SILVER SCREEN SERENADE! I am sure that anyone who looks at this place already looks at hers so it’s probably pointless to say “if you don’t already follow her, please rush out and do just that” but, if you don’t already follow her, please read this piece and then rush out and do just that. SSS is a rockin’ fun place!!!

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I humbly THANK everyone who has responded to me asking if you wanted to be involved with this feature from the bottom of my loins!! Wait…. WHAT??? *bows head in shame* But for real, I have everyone who replied “I’m in” written down here and I am just going in a first responded, first served basis.  I PROMISE I’ll be coming your way soon. I don’t like to talk about myself but if there’s anything I could say – I’m loyal to the friends I make and I won’t forget you – (also – I need a shower). I’ll be getting back to you as soon as I am able and – if you haven’t had a chance to respond and want to be grilled with these Hotter-Than-Catching-Fire questions, just let me know. XO.

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Cara, Pink Floyd once famously sang “There is no pain you are receding.” What do you think about this??

I think Pink Floyd sounds very depressing. No wonder I’m not a fan. Were they talking about their hairlines? I was under the impression that they all had long, luscious hair. Or at least they used to. Regardless, I don’t have a receding hairline, and I’m not in pain, so I guess life is good.

Speaking of music, when Eddie Murphy came out with that song  “Boogie in Your Butt”, do you really think he was advising us to put a little man up our butts????????

I hope not because that sounds uncomfortable. However, when I read that song title, my brain made a short step to make “boogie” into “booger.” That would be easier to deal with than a small man, but it also sounds very unsanitary. I’m glad Eddie Murphy hasn’t released any more singles recently.

The other week I got stung by a wasp and I literally thought I was going to die. I still have an itchy red whelp on my shoulder. The question here is this: if I died, aside from my family, do you think I would be mourned or do you think everyone would be “relieved”????

There would be a great deal of mourning. What would all of the Shitfest participants do without a trophy to pine for? How would people find out whether or not there are boobs in movies? Who else would put himself in the frontlines, watching wretched movie after wretched movie, all so we can learn whether or not we should waste our precious time on them? You would be missed, sir. Please stay away from wasps, ninjas, clowns, and the many other lethal foes out there in the big bad world.

It’s really windy today where I live, about 30 MPH. Obviously, that makes me think of breaking wind. Since we all know that girls don’t pass wind, I can’t broach that subject here today. In that case, what do you think about this random grape I found on the floor?

GRAPE

Looks tasty. I think you should give it a lick. (*Cue several excruciating, simultaneous exclamations of “That’s what he said”*) On second thought, it kind of looks like a misshapen marble. Are you sure it’s a grape? Or is it a fossilized grape? Is there a rare, prehistoric mosquito trapped in that grape? Can you revive the dinosaurs? If so, I would like a pet pterodactyl, please. I need to show the people I work with how to ride up in style. But make sure to get me a girl pterodactyl so it doesn’t fart on people.

There’s a nursery rhyme I remember from my childhood that goes something “Snips and snail and puppy dog tails, that’s what boys are made of.” Puppy tails???? That’s horrifying!! Cara, be honest, what the hell’s a “snip”???

I just googled “snips.” This is what I came up with: “Snips is a school-age colt unicorn from Ponyville, who is usually seen in the company of his friend, Snails.” Personally, I think it’s kind of a horrifying idea that the entire male population is made from two pre-pubescent unicorns and puppy dog tails. I believe I’m not alone in hoping this violent nursery rhyme is a farce.

I am currently watching a movie called THE FROZEN GROUND and it’s set in Alaska. I went to Alaska once when I was in fourth grade. Two notable things happened on that trip. 1) I fell into a creek and was knocked unconscious and 2) I accidentally caught a 42 pound halibut. Later on that night, we ate that fish. So, for posterity, if you had to survive in the wilderness, could capture your own food???

First of all, I’m sorry about your trip to Alaska. Falling into a creek and getting knocked out sounds embarrassing (and cold), and catching a 42-pound fish would probably have given me nightmares in fourth grade. That said, I can say with complete certainty that I would perish in the wilderness. Like, within minutes of finding myself in a survival situation. I would eat something poisonous, a critter would maul and/or eat me, I’d stay in the sun too long and burst into flame (not because I’m a vampire—because I’m part ginger), etc. There’s a reason The Call of the Wild was never my favorite book.

More importantly, have you ever thrown a baby out with the bathwater???

Babies terrify me. I try to avoid them, but if I’m near one, I will try to make the environment non-hazardous. Horror movies prove that baths and showers are hazardous things, so none of that when a baby is around. One time, I witnessed a baby walking around a swimming pool essentially unsupervised, and I was freaking the hell out the whole time. Danger-loving babies are all fun and games until a concerned onlooker goes into cardiac arrest.

It reads here, on your fact sheet, that you have a minor in Scandinavian studies from Berkely University.  How many times do you think it took me to spell Scandinavian correctly??

Bjorn guten schlampe auf gesundheit mit heil bratwurst und bier. That’s Scandinavian for “I can’t count that high.”

In today’s Jesus question, let’s say you go out to eat one night with your bestie and while you’re going after a huge plate of nachos, the waiter comes over with two Mai Tais that you didn’t order. “From the gentleman at the bar,” he advises.  You take a sip, look over to the bar and Jesus is sitting there, raising his eyebrows up and down and energetically giving you the thumbs up sign.  How do you respond??

Is Jesus hitting on us or just really pumped about the Mai Tais? Because a good Mai Tai is worth getting excited about, and he’s a good guy and all, so maybe he’s just psyched and ready to share the gospel of Mai Tai with some new friends. If that’s the case, I would thank him and invite him to share our obnoxious pile of nachos. But if he’s hitting on us…I don’t know, man. It’s a lot of pressure to be hit on by the son of God. Like, will I be smote if I’m just not feeling it? I might just have to give a thumbs up and an awkward smile in return and then peace out. After finishing the Mai Tai, of course. I can’t pass up free booze—least of all from the J-Man himself. That would be rude, right?

Now I am currently watching some garbage from Netflix streaming called DARKROOM. It’s absolutely terrible horseshit and it’s about some “model” who gets trapped in a house and three residents torture and humiliate her. I absolutely hate it and I don’t want to finish it but I’m dedicated so I will.  The question is: what do you think of this photo of Richie and I from Halloween????

RANCH2

I feel like this photo could be interpreted in a lot of ways. Is this the Flash and a criminal he just apprehended? The Flash chiding an accident-prone citizen? The Flash and a zombie? There’s also a hint of a lover’s quarrel—maybe even more than that. Maybe it’s spousal abuse. The Flash very well could have just said, “Honey, this is what happens when you burn the roast. It hurts me more than it hurts you.” Regardless, I’m very sorry about the crappy movie you’re watching. Seriously, why do you put yourself through this??

Again with this DARKROOM movie…. In a flashback scene that the model sees on a fucking TV, the mother of one of the brothers rips some comic books out of the hands of her child, screaming at him that he’s a sinner and screams that “Christ should be his only superhero”. What do you think about her assessment??

That would depend. Are we talking about the party-loving JC that just bought me a Mai Tai or the more traditional one? Party Jesus might not be the best role model, but biblical Jesus is pretty hardcore. Dude comes back from the dead. I don’t think even Batman can do that. Still, keeping Batman comics off some kid’s shelf seems kind of harsh. I don’t think JC would mind sharing a child’s admiration with Batman. Although he might have problems sharing it with Daredevil. Not because of the devil thing, but because the movie sucked. I imagine Jesus is a film critic, too.

There are 24 offices up here on the floor where I work and we are all some form of “management”. Since we are management, we have laptops and can work from home if we fill out endless paperwork and answer thousands of questions about how OSHA safe our homes are.  I don’t like to work from home because our dogs don’t understand and they want IN OUT IN OUT IN OUT IN OUT BARK BARK BARK BARK IN OUT IN OUT IN OUT all day long…. Out of those 24 offices only myself and this other fellow named Jeffrey come to the office every day so, can you possibly explain to me how our break room fridge can possibly ALWAYS be this full????

FRIDGE

I am befuddled, sir. This appears to be the collective food of a small village. I find break room fridges to be terrifying spaces—lots of old, moldy things. One of my roommates once opened the freezer to find a moldy hot pocket in a Ziploc bag. Like, the hot pocket was out of the box and the sleeve, and it was straight up green. To this day, we don’t know why our other roommate chose to let her hot pocket become a mold pocket.  I vote one day you clean all this food out. Use your best Joker cackle and manically toss everything off the roof of your office. Claim the devil and/or Mai Tai Jesus made you do it.

Cara, have you ever in your life been chased up a tree by a bear??

Only once. Never again. I have an agreement with the bear community now. I made them an offer they couldn’t refuse. It involves picnic baskets and an occasional stray tourist covered in honey.

Have you ever seen THE MAN WHO COLLECTED FOOD?  Is it true that this is loosely based off certain period in your life??

It’s true. Except the food cans were Beanie Babies. And I didn’t eat people—just Lunchables. Unless…unless Lunchables are people…OH DEAR GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE???

Tell us, Cara – have you ever watched a movie that made you seriously think about harming yourself??

Funny you should bring that up—I saw a movie about a month ago that made me consider throwing myself down the stairs. It was a locally made film called Daylight, named so because it is set in Daylight, IN. It’s a horror mockumentary apparently about demonic possession. I say “apparently” because after seeing it, I have no idea what the hell it’s actually about it. I wanted to like it and be all supportive of local arts and whatnot, but it was just god awful. Throughout the film I was either silently raging over how much it sucked or struggling against the urge to nap because I was so bored. You should look into it. I would love to see your tags for that review.

Now that I’ve gotten older, I tend to get “itchy scalp”. One of the remedies I found online is to rub lemon juice on your head. What would you do if you walked into my office and saw me rubbing lemons all over my head???

I would probably try to make an awkward joke about life giving you lemons, but fail miserably. I’ve never been very good at jokes.

There’s nothing that annoys me more in a movie than when someone is talking to someone on a cell phone and the cell phone hangs up there’s a dial tone. WHAT THE FUCK???

Huh. You know I’ve never paid attention before, but you’re right. Now I, too, am outraged. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK, HOLLYWOOD??? DO YOU EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE YOUR CELL PHONES??? HOW DARE YOU—YOU AND YOUR LANDLINE SOUNDS!!! GET SOME REAL JOBS, YOU HIPPIES!!!

Remember when that rock fell on that guy and he cut his own arm off and then they made a movie about it starring that guy with only one facial expression? If you could, tell us what dramatic episode in your life we could make a movie about and who would play you???

One time in middle school I hit a boy with my purse. It might not seem like a big thing, but it was when I realized I was actually a purse-wielding juggernaut. I could do damage with that thing. I handled some serious middle school injustices with it. This could be like a superhero origin story. I’d love to nominate Emma Stone of Jennifer Lawrence for the role, but let’s be real—they are hot commodities, and I am not half as cool as them. Probably not even a quarter as cool. So I’ll try to be realistic. What’s Betty White up to nowadays? Damn! I’m not that cool either…

Honestly, when was the last time you barged into your place of living, went to the closet, pulled out a shotgun, loaded it, cocked, stared outside and muttered: “This time…. It’s personal….”?????

Just this past October actually. My redneck neighbors like blow-up yard decorations, which I find incredibly tacky. One year they had a blow-up Santa on a Harley for Christmas. They frequently use a blow-up turkey wearing a shirt that says “You want a piece of this?” for Thanksgiving (still waiting for that one to make an appearance this year). This year they had not one but three blow-ups for Halloween. But I took care of it. Oh, yes I did…

Lastly – and most importantly – HAVE YOU GOT ME ANYTHING FOR CHRISTMAS YET?????????

HANDERPANTS

MERRY CHRISTMAS, BUDDY!!!

74 comments

  1. Haha! Great work peeps!

    One minute there’s talk of passing wind and the next there’s a brown grape-like substance on the carpet? Was that a follow through? Or what is commonly known as a “Shart”? 😉

    Like

  2. Reblogged this on Silver Screen Serenade and commented:
    YAY!!! I recently answered some delightfully silly and hilarious questions from my buddy Mr. Eric Isaacs over at Isaacs Picture Conclusions as part of his Isaacs Interviews series. If you haven’t looked into the series yet, you need to change that because all of them are so funny it should be illegal. Eric and I talked about everything from break room fridges to Jesus to handerpants. Yes, handerpants. You’ll see.

    Like

  3. 1) This is awesome!! Great questions, great answers. 🙂
    2) I was obsessed with Pink Floyd in my early 20s. I have slightly better taste now.
    3) I would mourn both of you if wasps stung you to death!
    4) I also could not survive, like, two hours in the wilderness. But I think I’d be okay in a zombie apocalypse.
    5) I love Scandinavians!
    6) I’m not management so I couldn’t read this until I got home from work. I’m not even allowed to have my phone on. If you were my manager, would you let me blog all day? Because work is seriously cutting into my blogging time & that sucks!
    7) Beanie Babies? Coool. 🙂 I collect Snoopy stuff & Moshi Monsters!
    8) I hate how people in movies always seem to hang up their phones without saying goodbye. How rude!
    9) Those blow-up decorations would make me go all Michael Douglas on their asses too.
    10) Long live handerpants! And both of you two crazy people. 🙂

    Like

    • theipc

      1) THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU
      2) There’s nothing wrong with a little Floyd every now and then : )
      3) That is extremely comforting to hear!!
      4) Neither could I – plus, I REFUSE to sleep on the ground….
      5) LOL!
      6) As long as your get your work done!! : )
      7) This IS difficult to reply to LOL
      8) I also hate when tires screech on dirt roads….
      9) Do they do those types of things over there?
      10) LONG LIVE HANDERPANTS!!! And right back atcha!!

      Like

      • 2) Okay – Floyd aren’t totally horrible but don’t tell my hubby I said that. He hates Pink Floyd!

        6) I always get my work done! I’ve used telephones for over 30 years – can I work in telecommunications?? 😉

        7) You must collect something!

        9) They do tacky decorations in the UK too but no one can really top America on all that. 🙂

        Like

      • theipc

        Sorry to get back to you so late – took the day off and I’ve been out and about all day…

        2) P.S. Learning to Fly is one of my all time favorite songs…

        6) There’s always a seat for you where I work – remember I went and got one for you! : )

        7) Aside from Star Trek and Doctor Who props, I also collect old pocket watches…

        9) NO ONE in the world can top redneck Americans

        Like

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