I love independent movies – love em! No big budget asshole with dirty porn and cocaine money in his pockets running around like a dick telling people what to do and casting his girlfriend’s high-couture-toe-ring-maker’s son to fill some stupid role so he doesn’t have to blow him.
Movie Producer: My lady says your 600 dollar toe ring gave her The Clap!!!
Toe Ring Guy: I caught you fucking your gardener!! You’ll never work in this town again!!!
Movie Producer: I oughta have you killed!!!
Toe Ring Guy: YEAH RIGHT!!! Your connection with The Company has been shit since you fucked ___________’s mailman!!! I oughta have YOU killed!!!
Movie Producer (stammers) (rubs neck): I’ll blow you if you forget about that whole gardener thing….
Toe Ring Guy: I don’t go that way fella. Shit. I’ll tell you what. Put my son in that movie you’re making and we’ll call it even on the gardener.
Movie Producer: Which one?
Toe Ring Guy: The horra one. The one about the haunted house.
Movie Producer (eyes the bulge in Toe Ring Guy’s slacks): You got it, brother.
*The next day*
Movie Producer (cocaine hangover, eyes bloodshot): YOU (points to hardworking, honest, innocent, Midwest child actor who dreams of being a movie star), You’re fucking fired.
Movie Producer (to director): Here’s your new actor (Toe Ring Guy’s kid emerges from a stretch limousine).
Director: WHAT?? NO!! We’ve already shot three principle scenes with ____!!!
Movie Producer: You’re fucking fired too!! Eat my shit and I’ll see you in hell. Go shove a shrimp up your asshole, pussface.
Movie Producer (points to Second Assistant Makeup / Sound): YOU! Yeah you, Orange County!! You’re the new director. Let’s go, I ain’t got all goddamned day.
Good lordie – where did I just go?? Anyway – I love independent movies, especially when you run across something that wasn’t over marketed and shoved down your throat. Think AMBER LAKE or FROZEN. And, of course, there’s always going to be some misfires (which are too many to name here, see my category ONE TOP HAT if you felt like it) and then there’s this.
I REALLY wanted to like this movie. I mean REALLY, REALLY. I saw the poster and it was Niles Crane in a psychological, trippy horror movie??? WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT??? Then I watched the trailer and I was all “*runs hand through beard, grimaces* eeeehhhhhhh.. oh.. I don’t know….” and I almost rented it a dozen times before I forgot about it. I mean, in the trailer there’s a big musical number. I don’t need to see Niles doing a conga line in a horror movie. I just knew I would be disappointed.
Then our man GARY came around recommending it and he had struck gold with THE HIDDEN FACE so I wearily rented this up and gave it a watch and – what can I say – I was totally *meh* about the whole thing, just like I suspected. I liked it OK, so I’m not gonna dog all over it and call it stupid, it was just not what I wanted. I didn’t really care for the crook and I thought it was cool what was going on in Nile’s head but – it was really just the Niles character, R Rated. He’s prissy and properly dressed and takes good care of his dinner and drinks wine and I really expected Roz and Frasier to pop in at any second, And then there’s the big dance number. Oh – and he fucks an imaginary chick over his sink.
I don’t want to spoil this – in case you want to see it – and maybe you’ll love it – but there’s a big twist about 70 minutes into it that you won’t see coming, but it wasn’t very effective to me and I didn’t find it very believable. Oh well – better luck next time, I suppose. I want to report on most of the things I look at so, there you go. This one could have used a little more salt.