HELLRAISER 4: BLOODLINE 1996
Pinhead goes to space and Adam Scott looks like a woman. This one wasn’t very good and it’s main focus was presenting us with how THE BOX was made and the lineage of the dude who made it. You’ll live if you give this one a pass.
HELLRAISER 5: INFERNO 2000
This one’s not too bad but you’ll have to deal with Craig Sheffer for an hour and a half. The Cenobites aren’t really in this one much, but that’s not a bad thing. Sheffer plays a dirty cop who’s trying to find some kid before some serial killer kills him. It’s not too bad but then again, Craig Sheffer.
HELLRAISER 6: HELLSEEKER 2002
Dean Winters, famous for showing his wang all over the place on HBO’s OZ, headlines this along with the return of Kirsty Cotton from the first two. He’s a shady something or other that wants to kill his wife (Cotton) for her insurance money. You can totally tell that this script was NOT a Hellraiser movie and they wrote the Cennobites in after they bought it. Think Jacob’s ladder without all of the God stuff and you’re good to go.
HELLRAISER 7: DEADER 2005
This movie totally sucked but I got to see Kari Wurher’s boobs. This has something to do about some people turning themselves into fucking zombies. Something something something blah blah blah Kari Wurher’s boobs.
HELLRAISER 8: HELLWORLD 2005
This one was pretty sucky to me and had Henry Cavil in it really struggling with an American accent. Hellraiser has become a huge video game and some kids go to a Hellraiser themed party and all get murdered. Fun!
HELLRAISER 9: REVELATIONS 2011
Fucking terrible.
If you missed the first three and wanted to check out my thoughts on them because you are a wonderful person, you can do just that HERE, HERE and HERE. This franchise, much like THE CHILDREN OF THE CORN franchise, petered out VERY early and should have gone tits up two decades ago. Some of these movies are just terrible. Thankfully, I never have to revisit them…
Too many sequels for a film based off of one book that you could probably read within a week.
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yep – 8 too many….
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Strangely, I feel the need to see for myself how awful some of these are; not because I don’t believe you, but because they’re probably lolworthy.
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Good luck, Erin!!!
The suckiest one of all was the latest one. That’s probably a good start…
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Huh. Unlike the Children of the Corn franchise, I had no idea this one had been milked for so many (terrible) movies. Wow.
I’m going to go ahead and not watch them. 🙂
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I like that in this post I reference the franchise going tits up and you reference milk. If I free associate things I conclude that these movies are terrible, saggy tits.
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🙂
I am literally laughing, though I’m supposed to be parenting my daughters and tending to my new puppy, and none of them are in on the joke.
Well done, sir. Well done.
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Perfect!
Now I can call it a day and go back to bed. It’s coooooooooooooooold here and tomorrow we get more sleet. YAY.
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🙂
Cold here, too. And we finally have standing snow. I just had to shovel for the first time since May (yes, Minnesota’s winter extended into May this year).
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I don’t know how old you are but shoveling snow SUCKS.
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Mid thirties.
And yes it does.
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You are truly a noble soul, inflicting upon yourself such punishment so that men such as I do not suffer these indignities.
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I live to serve.
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The franchise hit its high point with Kari Wurher’s boobs.
Something else also hit its high point… no, I’m going to stop that joke.
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Hey Luke! How’s it going toda – wait – woah….
*inches backwards out of room…
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BWAHAHAHAHA oh jolly good fun this.
“Fucking terrible.” Hellraiser 9 sounds like it was such a fun ride with so much to talk about!
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CHRIST IT WAS SOOOOOOOOOO BAD!!!!
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Bwahahaha and you braved it! Well done!
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I do this for YOU!
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And I promise it doesn’t go unappreciated!
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I’ve got a real beauty coming up for you next week… talk about shitty…
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Oh so looking forward to it!
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YAY!!!
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I know I have seen some of these… but I don’t know which ones. That’s bad, isn’t it? Lol!
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You’re better off having your memory purged of this bilge.
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As I have zero interest in Kari Wurher’s boobs, I’ll skip these. 🙂
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WHAT???????
You didn’t spend some of your teens with the hots for Wurher???
J/K – most of these are terrible!
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Why do they have to keep doing that thing with the poking and stretching of people’s faces? What’s the deal man?
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Milk that tit until it’s dry, I suppose….
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lol, gross. Thanks for putting that image in my head this early in the day ahhahaa.
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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!!!!!
*suckle suckle suckle*
That is gross.
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Craig Sheffer has always been one of my least-favorite actors, but I’m not show why. And I’ve always loved Kari Wuhrherer and always will.
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*fist bump*
Kari Wurhererer is and always has been a total babe.
*washes hand*
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Oops I meant not SURE why. Stupid fingers and brain.
You’re gonna need bleach and hydrogen peroxide for that hand.
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Dude… my hand… it stinks… what the fuck have you been touching….?
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Do you REALLY want to know??
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……………………………………………………..
………………………………………………………
………………………………………………… no
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I try my best to forget about this one…
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That’s probably best!
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You had me at boobs…not really. I doubt I’ll watch any of these, as I’ve yet to watch the original or it’s sequels. Just doesn’t tickle my fancy.
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I think you’re good : )
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Did they really release two of these in 2005?? The Wuhrer one and the Cavil ?? (Way too much of a good thing for one year). Gotta hand it to them though “Deader” is a great title!!
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Straight to DVD! Deader or El Diablo????
THANKS LEM!!
I got our intro written for our big project written this morning : )
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Holy speedy fingers batman ! You are once again way ahead of the curve – …tips top hat
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I’m excited!!
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They couldn’t think of a better title than “Deader” for number 7? Oh my. Still, might watch it for Kari’s boobs. Always liked her. 🙂
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You and me both, brother!
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“Nothing”? Now that’s even sillier than usual…And that’s coming after “Vanessa Hudgens is Three Feet Tall” 😉
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HAHAHAHA!! Most of these movies = NOTHING!!
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