Isaacs Picture Conclusions

HELL HOUSE: THE BOOK OF SAMIEL (2008) A REAL PIECE OF SHIT

HELLHOUSE1

This thing was fucking terrible… why do I do this to myself? Oh yeah – so YOU don’t make the mistake and spend your hard earned simolians on them. This was blurry and choppy and the sound was terrible and the music miserable and the acting so poor it lives in a dirty slum and the special effects were so fake they might as well be 88″ plastic boobs.  Even if 88″ inch plastic boobs turns you on, this won’t. I mean – did they really think they were making a good movie here? This was terrible. I also can’t seem to find any screen grabs out on the google so, for better or worse, I’m going to make my own – you lucky devils!!

To open this thing a woman is reading Tarot cards. Scary!!!!

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Elsewhere, a couple of mediocre looking douches are doing an expose on Hell House – a house where two people were murdered. YIKES!!!!

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Before too long they’re at the hotel and totally making it. OOO LA LA!!!

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He even goes down for some G-Rated Hoo Hawing…. RISQUE!!!

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But, sadly for the both of them, no one gets to “finish” because their cameraman gets possessed by a demon and it’s Death By Suffocation.  *Note: there is no explanation why the fuck the camera man gets possessed by a demon – he just gets some pitiful looking face prosthetics and kills these two saps.

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Elsewhere two mediocre looking humans are talking about something. The male of the species convinces his female that they need to spend the night in Hell House. Why??? Fucking search me.

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So they gather up their two mediocre looking friends and go to the house to spend the night.

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Little do they know they are going to face off against bugs – and demons – battling for the safety of the world.

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This demon is in her underwear and covered in blood.

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“This movie really isn’t very good” says one actress, furrowing her mighty brow.

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This movie is very, very bad. It’s so bad it’s not even SHITFEST material. A long time ago, when I was living with my roommate we’d been up drinking Scotch all night with our friend Smitty. The next morning they got up and went to the Sonic about a block away. I woke up all hungover as fuck and went out to the living room to see what was going on. Right when I walked into the room Rob came charging in the door, running to the bathroom because he shit himself after eating Sonic. His jeans were all ripped up because that was the style of the time so the smell was ABSOLUTELY FUCKING WRETCHED and I threw up all over the front door. Even if you don’t want to – can you imagine that scene? Poop and puke everywhere??? This may be the theatrical equivalent of that.

39 comments

    • theipc

      You know – my Netflix queue is FILLED with beer movies I approve to be delivered… and then they show up and I’m all WTF is this? But I do them anyway – so YOU don’t have to….

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  1. I love it when the old drinking days stories get peppered into the reviews. We’ve all been there. And by that I mean shit our fashionably ripped jeans after a night of raucous drinking! lol.

    Like

  2. nicolenevermind76

    Yeah, I tried this one too. Was hoping for GOOD bad… but it was just fucking terrible. This movie was so bad I’d walk out on that shit on an AIRPLANE. But your poop/puke story totally made up for it. 😉

    Like

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