Today’s interview is a little saltier than the last few – but that’s the relationship Nick and I have – a salty one. Salty bobalty even. In fact, it’s saltier than a big bowl of salt. If you’re somehow not familiar, Nick is one of the big writers over at THE CINEMATIC KATZENJAMMER, a big time, slick looking website that puts out a lot of content. Oh, and Nick puts out. For a good time
call check out his site.
Again, I humbly thank every one of you who have volunteered to be a part of these interview sessions. It’s no secret that I am very slow in getting around to people but I am and will. The hard part of these is me coming up with the actual questions but I am getting to them, I promise, and I’ll be coming your way.
Nicholas, you often refer to me as “Babycakes”, “Sugar Tits”, “Honey Butt” and even “Boob Mouth”. Can you explain, for our readers, what motivates you to use these obscene terms of affection??
Well, it’s really simple, Mama Yum Yums. I love you, that’s all. I’ve tried to make it rather clear in all of my comments and my use of such terms as the ones listed above, but I guess this interview’s the best time to be completely honest with the fact. I love you. With my entire heart, soul, jewels, and appendix. As for the “unorthodox” names, I just cannot put my feelings into better words than those that don’t make sense.
The first (and only) time we’ve met, you arrived at the deli dressed like Ronald McDonald, complete with giant, floppy shoes. I ordered the French Onion Soup and you had a plate of Antipasta. After we were done I paid the bill and you left your red sponge nose as the tip. I mean REALLY??? Antipasta???
I miss that nose. We had plenty of “performances” together. As for the anitpasta, I have a thing against spaghetti and I figured the best way to show my hatred towards the noodle was to order to Anti-pasta. That, and so many pro-pasta supporters were outside picketing the restaurant…
Is it true that – instead of traditional green felt, your pool table is covered in a mosaic of the hundreds of nudes you did back in the early 80s???
Oh, those were the days. I have done my fair share of nudes, that’s for sure, and yes, I prefer to develop them as mosaics and not actual photographs. Unfortunately, their glossy finish (and my sexy finishes) make knocking the 9-ball in the corner pocket a bit difficult.
Vince Vaughn has a new movie coming out where he has, like, 500 kids. I just watched a movie with Vince Vaughn in it called Clay Pigeons. Thoughts??
Well that first film I can definitely relate to, as I have about 500 kids myself, and as for the second film, I have about 500 clay pigeons as well.
Most people know you as the brains behind THE CINEMATIC KATZENJAMMER. I know you as a anarchic rebel that’s full of piss and vinegar. Our readers want to know, do you still weep after you climax???
Never after, always before. Helps with the “friction”.
Here’s today’s Jesus question. Let’s say you are the custodian for an office building like the one I work in. Down the hall there’s an office with a bathroom in it. One night you are making your rounds – emptying that trash and all that – and you open the unlocked door to the bathroom and Jesus is in there taking a crap. AWKWARD!!! How do you react???
I’d scream at him and wonder why he’s taking a dump into a toilet of wine.
A couple of weeks ago I went to Twitter exclaiming that I had just seen Ron Swanson’s penis in an episode of Deadwood. Seconds later Ron Swanson replied with the words “You’re Welcome”. That made my entire week! Are there any fictional characters you would A) like to see their penis and B) hope that they would reply to a tweet about it?
When it comes to penises, I really would like to see as many as possible. I have a chart on my wall that keeps track of who has had their mandango’s revealed, and I have to say, it’s rather sad. I hope those who want to make a place on the chart would also tweet me their dick-pics for easier cataloging.
A lot of people believe we’ve never been to the moon. One time I mooned thousands of people on Bourbon Street. Have you ever shown your boobs for beads????
No, but I bedazzled my nipples for Arbor Day. Many a trees grew that day.
You have been credited with being influential in the invention of the Crab Dolly. I did some research over the last few months and have uncovered the truth and that truth is that you really just had a bad case of The Crabs in the summer of 1995. How do you react to this stunning revelation reported here first on Isaacs Picture Conclusions???
Little known fact. While I did have a really bad case of the crabs in 1995, I was actually the one to introduce a new species of said crab to North America. Named crabrapetrap cunninglus, it has since gone on to infect several thousand women and a few children (whose infections I claim no responsibility for).
When you’re out in public, and you’re going around telling people to fuck off, how do you do it? Are you one of those guys who crosses his arms and swings his fist up???
Using my strength, muscles, and everything in between, I slowly take over the individual and plop myself upon their back, only to whisper (ever so gently) into his/her ear, “Fuck off, or I will eat your soul with my chia pet army”.
Last month, The Cinema Monster ran a series of contests where he asked us to guess what movie was displayed in images he put up. You got most of them in about 2 seconds. Let’s put you to the test:
The contract with the madman was an oral agreement. He fed them a line and they swallowed it!
The internet is absolutely on fire regarding your NC-17 remake of The Sound of Music. How do you respond to your critics????
I still stand by the fact that I believe hardcore Nazi musicals are the new 3D.
There’s also a rumor going around that it was you who impregnated Guillermo Del Toro which was the inspiration for the movie Mama. What are your thoughts on this topic?
G-mo is one sensational lover. The unfortunate pregnancy did indeed inspire a film, but it was not Mama. It was Papa, a Bulgarian film about a man who gets pregnant with the spawn of Satan, only to find a cure in excessive drinking, debauchery, and backgammon.
Someone once said “A gentleman should never dip his dong in a bowl of tapioca pudding.” And yet you still do. WHY, NICK, WHY?????
You didn’t finish the expression. “A gentleman should never dip his dong in a bowl of tapioca pudding, but a rockin’ cockstar continues to do so on every occasion. “
We’re slowly becoming aware of your classical training in the wind family. Tell us, what’s a day in the life of a hard ass flautist like?
Beans. I eat a lot of beans. Some days, they sound delicious, but other days I just get sick and tired of them but I know the only way to become a master flautist is to practice, practice, practice.
A non-blogger commenter came by my Wet Hot American Summer post one day and left me this comment: ” dis movie is just 2 smrt for u. u r a dummy dum and dis movie be ahead of its time and shit. funniest movie ever, u suuuuuuuck “. What do you think about this observation and, do you get comments from strangers like this?
I apologize for that comment. I was fourteen shots deep on a journey with Jack.
I just went and picked up some lunch at the deli downstairs – Tortilla Soup, Raspberry flavored water, crackers and a brownie. While I was paying out, the girl running the register asked me if I felt OK. I was all “Sure, why?” and she told me that I looked congested. Nick, be honest please. Have you ever looked congested?
Never congested. Everything that needs to pass, passes remarkably well.
Nick, be honest here too please, our readers want to know – have you ever passed an ink pen through your colon?
Just the cap. I’m still working on the full pen. I practice using a variety of pencils I sharpen to certain lengths, working my way up.
About thirteen years ago, my old roommate and I use to stay up all night drinking Scotch and playing Madden football. One night we had a particularly heavy night of imbibing and the next day, when I was going to work, I coughed and threw up in the apartment parking lot. Later, when I got to my desk and logged in, I coughed and shit my pants. At that very same moment the building had a fire drill so I had to go stand outside, in the cold, with some poo-poo undies. The question is, when is the last time you pooped your pants in public????
I don’t shit my pants. I’m comfortable enough (as is this public) that I just pull my pants down whenever and wherever I need to go, do my business, and continue with my day. Even when I was a baby, I refused to poo in diapers, thus, the walls of the house I grew up in were all brown.
Lastly, and most importantly, I don’t know when you’ll get this back to me or even when I’ll get it polished up and posted but, my birthday is coming up – HAVE YOU FINISHED ALL OF YOUR SHOPPING????
Ha, as I mention the brown above, a UPS guy is on the way as we speak-type to deliver you my package.