Severed heads in a jar???? CHECK!!
Danielle Harris???? CHECK!!
John Jarratt (from WOLF CREEK) CHECK!!!!
The Starship Trooper???? CHECK!!!!
And then →→→→→→→→→ this movie went out and totally totally sucked some balls.
I don’t really want to get into the topic of ball sucking because I get enough pervy Googlers out here, but, by using that term I mean it’s not good. From the opening scene where Jarratt is in a diner fantasizing about the hot, teenage waitress all chained up and screaming – then he asks her out to a movie in the most feeble way humanly possible – it was totally laughable and I couldn’t believe this was the same guy from WOLF CREEK. Has anyone besides me ever worked in the restaurant business? Well – in a totally unbelievable scenario, the teenage girl is responsible for closing down the diner (sorry that doesn’t happen), so she locks up and heads out into the dark parking lot where Jarratt up and kills her for not going on a date with him – and cuts off her fucking head and does it with her dead, headless body. They don’t actually show that part but the cops let us know in the next scene.
Soon enough we meet up with Harris’ character getting woken up by a phone call from her mother (Valerie Harper of all people, hamming it clean the fuck up). Harper is yelling at her because she can’t keep sending her money and Harris needs to ask for a raise. So she heads to work and buys herself an expensive necklace with whatever kind of money she doesn’t have, doesn’t ask for a raise and goes home that night to find her teenage girl neighbor dead, decapitated and desecrated. But, wisely, even though her neighbor’s been slaughtered by the serial killer going around town (and next door) she decides to go ahead and stay home that night and gets fucking attacked but gets away with a punch to the nuts or a letter opener in the leg or something or other and it just keep s getting worse and worse.
I mean some of this actually had me laughing out loud at the terrible acting on display and how unbelievable some things were going on in this movie. This was totally an 80s cop TV show – it even had the retiring-captain-heading-to-the-beach-to-fish-for-the-rest-of-his-life-so-you-better-catch-this-fucker-NOW bit. It also had your traditional bumbling cops, flaccid weenus beating off, Rae Dawn Chong and a terribly executed office massacre. Oh yeah – and at one point, when they show the dead, headless teenage girl neighbor, it’s one of the most pitiful looking CGI headless bodies I’ve ever seen. I did LOL… This was awful. Piss on this. Two top hats because I like Danielle Harris so much.
Valerie Harper was totally the killer in drag, right? That had to be the big testicle-gargling twist.
LikeLike
I bet good money that “Testicle gargling” will set a new record for perv searches here….
LikeLike
Yeah, I pretty much just said hi to the dirty Googlers of the future.
LikeLike
Up and coming Testicle Garglers….
LikeLike
I did some underground porn for a while under the name Ray Dong Chong.
LikeLike
OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG that was YOU????????
My life will never be the same…..
LikeLike
I can just picture the sets you worked on. “Hey Dong Chong, get over here now. We’ve got a Long Schlong that needs your attention immediately”.
LikeLike
Ah, Jay Long Schlong. He was a good friend. Taken too soon by the evils of drugs and the executions of R.O.T.O.R.
LikeLike
“YO!! D.C.!!! It’s time for a Long Island Iced Tea!”
LikeLike
LOL that is the fucking best! I just snorted with laughter.
LikeLike
LOL
and – GROSS
LikeLike
Hahaha yeah, but when you picture it being said in Sly Stallone’s mentally challenged accent it borders more on hilarity.
LikeLike
EXACTLY!!
LikeLike
LOL – “Yo, D.C.!! How about one of them Jersey Shores???”
LikeLike
Consider me saved from this flick. 🙂
Although that it has Casper Van Dien in it guarantees I wasn’t going to see it anyway. That guy starred in The Omega Code, which probably remains my least favorite film of all time, and he has never been able to erase the stain that pile of trash left all over him.
LikeLike
LOL!!
I still like the guy although, honestly, I think I’ve only seen him a couple of things… have you seen The Pact?
LikeLike
I have not. Hadn’t even heard of it until this instant.
Should I see it, Van Dien’s presence notwithstanding?
LikeLike
I liked it quite a bit and he’s not in it much… : )
LikeLike
Alright. That last part makes it more likely I see it.
I’ll give it a shot at some point. 🙂
LikeLike
Sounds good!!
LikeLike
I’m sure that “flaccid weenus” won’t help your googler problem, lol.
LikeLike
HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!!!
LikeLike
No boobs, no sex, no nothin’! Lol. But, hey – Valerie Harper! I loved that show Valerie (The Hogan Family after she left the show). God I’m a dork – I’m so late-80s…
LikeLike
LOL!!! NOTHING!!!!!
LikeLike
It’s a good thing I’m off the market and am no longer seeking dates because my gut reaction is to decapitate and bang the corpse of the jerk that rejected my advances.
LikeLike
Wait… how would you… wai – AHHHH Rigor Mortis!!!
LikeLike
I like that I don’t have to do so much explainin’ with you. You always know what’s up 😉
LikeLike
LOL – sometimes people just… “get it”… : )
LikeLike
This is a movie I won’t bother watching :]. Nice review dude.
LikeLike
Gracias!!
LikeLike
My old doctor told me that testicle gargling would help cure strep throat. I hated that doctor, and his testicles
LikeLike
Is THAT where you got that from??????
LikeLike
Damn, they screwed this one up completely!
LikeLike
Yeah… not that good….
LikeLike