Isaacs Picture Conclusions

SHIVER (2012) TWO TOP HATS

SHIVER1

Severed heads in a jar???? CHECK!!

Danielle Harris???? CHECK!!

John Jarratt (from WOLF CREEK) CHECK!!!!

The Starship Trooper???? CHECK!!!!

And then →→→→→→→→→ this movie went out and totally totally sucked some balls.

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I don’t really want to get into the topic of ball sucking because I get enough pervy Googlers out here, but, by using that term I mean it’s not good. From the opening scene where Jarratt is in a diner fantasizing about the hot, teenage waitress all chained up and screaming – then he asks her out to a movie in the most feeble way humanly possible – it was totally laughable and I couldn’t believe this was the same guy from WOLF CREEK. Has anyone besides me ever worked in the restaurant business? Well – in a totally unbelievable scenario, the teenage girl is responsible for closing down the diner (sorry that doesn’t happen), so she locks up and heads out into the dark parking lot where Jarratt up and kills her for not going on a date with him – and cuts off her fucking head and does it with her dead, headless body. They don’t actually show that part but the cops let us know in the next scene.

SHIVER4

Soon enough we meet up with Harris’ character getting woken up by a phone call from her mother (Valerie Harper of all people, hamming it clean the fuck up). Harper is yelling at her because she can’t keep sending her money and Harris needs to ask for a raise. So she heads to work and buys herself an expensive necklace with whatever kind of money she doesn’t have, doesn’t ask for a raise and goes home that night to find her teenage girl neighbor dead, decapitated and desecrated. But, wisely, even though her neighbor’s been slaughtered by the serial killer going around town (and next door) she decides to go ahead and stay home that night and gets fucking attacked but gets away with a punch to the nuts or a letter opener in the leg or something or other and it just keep s getting worse and worse.

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I mean some of this actually had me laughing out loud at the terrible acting on display and how unbelievable some things were going on in this movie. This was totally an 80s cop TV show – it even had the retiring-captain-heading-to-the-beach-to-fish-for-the-rest-of-his-life-so-you-better-catch-this-fucker-NOW bit. It also had your traditional bumbling cops, flaccid weenus beating off, Rae Dawn Chong and a terribly executed office massacre. Oh yeah – and at one point, when they show the dead, headless teenage girl neighbor, it’s one of the most pitiful looking CGI headless bodies I’ve ever seen. I did LOL… This was awful. Piss on this. Two top hats because I like Danielle Harris so much.

SHIVER2

34 comments

  1. Consider me saved from this flick. 🙂

    Although that it has Casper Van Dien in it guarantees I wasn’t going to see it anyway. That guy starred in The Omega Code, which probably remains my least favorite film of all time, and he has never been able to erase the stain that pile of trash left all over him.

    Like

  2. It’s a good thing I’m off the market and am no longer seeking dates because my gut reaction is to decapitate and bang the corpse of the jerk that rejected my advances.

    Like

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