Isaacs Picture Conclusions

MAD COWGIRL (2006) WHAT IN THE FUCK???

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First off, I want to say one thing – I really think this could have been a good movie. Second off, I want to release a news snippet that I am drinking beer waiting on the wife to get home. Third off – I never really give a fuck about the commenters on IMDB because they are either “I LOVE YOU MOVIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” fake shit or “WORST FUCKING LIFE ENDING MOVIE SHIT YOU GAVE ME CRABS AND I AM GOING TO GO HANG MYSELF WHILE I BEAT OFF!!!!!!!!” trolls. But I actually kind of agree with one of the commenters out there – that this COULD have been good if they didn’t try and be too artsy for their own good… KILL BILL came out in 2003 and the sequel in 2004 and you can totally see the influence here whether it was studio produced or not but – this could have been a good Tarantino style production but I am an honest man and……… it’s not good. Nope… not really. Also – another one I can’t really find movie grabs out on Googs so I am going to make my own and – well – here we go!! *SPOILERS*

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I have to admit that I really thought the lead actress ~Sarah Lassez ~ did an awesome fucking job for what she was hired to do. “You’re going to scream a lot, then have sex with Chekov and blow him and then beat yourself off and eat steak without a fork and show your tits and screw a bunch of people and then kill everyone and do some Kung Fu and vomit and make it with your brother character and go insane and such, are you in lady??” So she signs on and gets paid in hard candy because there’s no fucking budget but she looks good and hopefully she goes on and does (better) things.

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And then there’s the rest of the movie. Chekov??? He’s a priest that’s corrupting her soul??? CHEKOV??????? If you’ve got money to sign Walter Koenig THAT’S who you go with??? HUH??? Chekov as a bad priest who likes fucking and BJs and “going down”. Chekov??? Chekov?

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Oh well…. so it turns out she has mad cow disease and her brain is getting all fucked up, up in there. Here’s a wink to my local friends – “up in there” = ” bump and lift”. Y’ALL GONNA MAKE ME LOSE MY MIND, BUMP AND LIFT, BUMP AND LIFT!

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How did she come across the bad meat? Well, turns out she’s a food inspector and she goes around covering up her brother’s discrepancies… so she finds some rotten English Cow Renderings, doesn’t turn him in, he makes her a nice dinner of tainted beef and then she screws him. And, even though she’s obviously having troubles in the head, now she starts going totally batshit.

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Hey!! Look!! It’s the little girl from PUMPKINHEAD all grown up with giant bazookas! : )

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Let’s see… She’s screwing Chekov and watching Kung Fu and eating raw meat with her hands and screwing her brother. What else? Her doctor (above) speaks in a foreign language for no reason, her ex-husband shows up and they showcase some strange flashback moments and she does it with herself to Chekov on TV:

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Then she has some sort of strange epiphany where she has to kill 10 people (I think) before her soul can be saved. So she does it with a bunch of people in a very bizarre montage piece and then she’s the star of her own Kung Fu TV show. This really didn’t make a lick of fucking sense and I hated it for the most part. But – BUT!!! If one good thing did come out of this ——

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I am TOTALLY and legally changing my name to The 8 Diagram Pole Fighter!!!

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In any case, this is what I do for you out here. If you’re ever sitting around bored and come across a movie called MAD COWGIRL – run away from it like it’s a giant spider and never return.

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And here’s another true story because this movie (and this write up) sucked. A few years ago I had to go to this place called Overland Park, Kansas for work. There, I met a bunch of really nice people and had a relatively good time even though I was there for work and away from home. One night, after a long work day, I went to the store and got some beer and called in a dinner at this local BBQ place. I got a steak and a salad and some fries. When I got to the hotel, it was awful late and I sat down to eat. Wouldn’t you know it – the fucking place didn’t give me any To Go silverware and it was late so the concierge was gone for the day and the hotel didn’t have a restaurant so I had to eat my salad and my steak with my bare hands. Have you ever had to do that? That wasn’t much fun. In fact, it was bullshit, much like MAD COWGIRL.

To conclude this exercise in crap, if you’ve ever been curious what THE IPC’s bathroom cabinet looked like, here you go:

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The top row is mostly hotel soaps, shower caps and other various items I’ve lifted from around the city throughout my years (I don’t use “Hair Food”). The second row is mostly my Grandpa’s colognes, my Grandma’s coffee cup I’ve had since I was a kid and a pack of Smarties candy I got somewhere. The bottom row is my body cleaning work station which, the keen OCD eye will notice is properly set up for Proper Month By Month usage. Someone who will remain unnamed once said, “It starts new Cleansing Products on Mondays, preferably after One Month.”

59 comments

  3. Smash

    You might be the only person in the world who has Smarties in their bathroom cabinet.
    And for some reason looking into your cabinet, I’m reminded of these words: “It puts the lotion on its skin”

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  4. jjames36

    Okay.

    1. That story at the end of this review is random. And awesome. Thank you for that.

    2. I have never wondered what your bathroom cabinet looks like.

    3. Why do you have smarties in your bathroom cabinet? (I know Smash essentially asked the same question, but whatever. I just have to ask it as well.)

    4. Thank you for another great review of another piece of crap I’ll be sure to never watch.

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  14. Monkeyboy

    This film looks mental. So it’s definitely British Beef she eats? Is everyone still avoiding it? I’ve eaten loads of the stuff since that time they started piling cows up in the fields of England and setting fire to them, and I’m okay. Well, I think I am. đŸ˜‰

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    • theipc

      It’s British beef in the movie – I don’t know about everyone else but I’ve been eating ribeyes since I was around twenty and I’m sane.

      Maybe.

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