First off, I want to say one thing – I really think this could have been a good movie. Second off, I want to release a news snippet that I am drinking beer waiting on the wife to get home. Third off – I never really give a fuck about the commenters on IMDB because they are either “I LOVE YOU MOVIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” fake shit or “WORST FUCKING LIFE ENDING MOVIE SHIT YOU GAVE ME CRABS AND I AM GOING TO GO HANG MYSELF WHILE I BEAT OFF!!!!!!!!” trolls. But I actually kind of agree with one of the commenters out there – that this COULD have been good if they didn’t try and be too artsy for their own good… KILL BILL came out in 2003 and the sequel in 2004 and you can totally see the influence here whether it was studio produced or not but – this could have been a good Tarantino style production but I am an honest man and……… it’s not good. Nope… not really. Also – another one I can’t really find movie grabs out on Googs so I am going to make my own and – well – here we go!! *SPOILERS*
I have to admit that I really thought the lead actress ~Sarah Lassez ~ did an awesome fucking job for what she was hired to do. “You’re going to scream a lot, then have sex with Chekov and blow him and then beat yourself off and eat steak without a fork and show your tits and screw a bunch of people and then kill everyone and do some Kung Fu and vomit and make it with your brother character and go insane and such, are you in lady??” So she signs on and gets paid in hard candy because there’s no fucking budget but she looks good and hopefully she goes on and does (better) things.
And then there’s the rest of the movie. Chekov??? He’s a priest that’s corrupting her soul??? CHEKOV??????? If you’ve got money to sign Walter Koenig THAT’S who you go with??? HUH??? Chekov as a bad priest who likes fucking and BJs and “going down”. Chekov??? Chekov?
Oh well…. so it turns out she has mad cow disease and her brain is getting all fucked up, up in there. Here’s a wink to my local friends – “up in there” = ” bump and lift”. Y’ALL GONNA MAKE ME LOSE MY MIND, BUMP AND LIFT, BUMP AND LIFT!
How did she come across the bad meat? Well, turns out she’s a food inspector and she goes around covering up her brother’s discrepancies… so she finds some rotten English Cow Renderings, doesn’t turn him in, he makes her a nice dinner of tainted beef and then she screws him. And, even though she’s obviously having troubles in the head, now she starts going totally batshit.
Hey!! Look!! It’s the little girl from PUMPKINHEAD all grown up with giant bazookas! : )
Let’s see… She’s screwing Chekov and watching Kung Fu and eating raw meat with her hands and screwing her brother. What else? Her doctor (above) speaks in a foreign language for no reason, her ex-husband shows up and they showcase some strange flashback moments and she does it with herself to Chekov on TV:
Then she has some sort of strange epiphany where she has to kill 10 people (I think) before her soul can be saved. So she does it with a bunch of people in a very bizarre montage piece and then she’s the star of her own Kung Fu TV show. This really didn’t make a lick of fucking sense and I hated it for the most part. But – BUT!!! If one good thing did come out of this ——
I am TOTALLY and legally changing my name to The 8 Diagram Pole Fighter!!!
In any case, this is what I do for you out here. If you’re ever sitting around bored and come across a movie called MAD COWGIRL – run away from it like it’s a giant spider and never return.
And here’s another true story because this movie (and this write up) sucked. A few years ago I had to go to this place called Overland Park, Kansas for work. There, I met a bunch of really nice people and had a relatively good time even though I was there for work and away from home. One night, after a long work day, I went to the store and got some beer and called in a dinner at this local BBQ place. I got a steak and a salad and some fries. When I got to the hotel, it was awful late and I sat down to eat. Wouldn’t you know it – the fucking place didn’t give me any To Go silverware and it was late so the concierge was gone for the day and the hotel didn’t have a restaurant so I had to eat my salad and my steak with my bare hands. Have you ever had to do that? That wasn’t much fun. In fact, it was bullshit, much like MAD COWGIRL.
To conclude this exercise in crap, if you’ve ever been curious what THE IPC’s bathroom cabinet looked like, here you go:
The top row is mostly hotel soaps, shower caps and other various items I’ve lifted from around the city throughout my years (I don’t use “Hair Food”). The second row is mostly my Grandpa’s colognes, my Grandma’s coffee cup I’ve had since I was a kid and a pack of Smarties candy I got somewhere. The bottom row is my body cleaning work station which, the keen OCD eye will notice is properly set up for Proper Month By Month usage. Someone who will remain unnamed once said, “It starts new Cleansing Products on Mondays, preferably after One Month.”
I remember watching a movie that came out on video around 2001 that had Chekov dong a love scene, and I was disturbed. There’s something weird about that guy.
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HAHAHA! DONG!
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Oh my, what a mistake to have made in this context! I’m on my laptop and can’t even blame autocorrect.
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Dongs are always showing up on this site….
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Poor Chekov…..
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Did your grandpa use Hai Karate?
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I’m not sure what that means but he did shoot some planes down over in France during WW2.
So I’ll go with = yes.
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My grandpa also shot down some planes in France but it was in 1978.
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I don’t know why but YouTube doesn’t work for me here anymore…. UGH
1978?? Communist bastards!!
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You might be the only person in the world who has Smarties in their bathroom cabinet.
And for some reason looking into your cabinet, I’m reminded of these words: “It puts the lotion on its skin”
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1) Everyone should have a spare roll of Smarties somewhere because some times nothing else will do.
2) Smash – you don’t want to get the hose. Put the lotion on It’s skin.
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LOL, whatever you say master.
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PUT THE DOG IN THE BASKET!!!!!
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Okay.
1. That story at the end of this review is random. And awesome. Thank you for that.
2. I have never wondered what your bathroom cabinet looks like.
3. Why do you have smarties in your bathroom cabinet? (I know Smash essentially asked the same question, but whatever. I just have to ask it as well.)
4. Thank you for another great review of another piece of crap I’ll be sure to never watch.
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You’re very welcome for everything and as for the Smarties – I’m not really sure where they came from. I think they’re from a batch of Halloween candy we had the first Halloween when we bought our house.
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How many Halloweens have past since then? đŸ™‚
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LOL – TEN!! You don’t want to eat those Smarties!!
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Nope. Sure not.
More importantly, either do you. đŸ™‚
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Nope – they’ll sit there aging with my Gramp’s colognes! : )
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Seriously, what the fuck? This movie looks incredibly messed up for all the wrong reasons. The paragraph on Sarah Lassez made me laugh hard though. Terrific stuff as always my friend :).
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I know! It had such a good premise too but they fucked it up!!
THANK YOU SIR!!
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Whatever the fuck ‘Hair Food’ is, it’s making me hungry
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It’s made from the same shit that’s in that ice cream cone in your gravatar….!
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Yum! That was an ice cream I had in Florence, Italy! I don’t know the Italian for Hair Food
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You have a strange way of making me want to see terrible movies…
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I hope you don’t start with this one….
: )
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Now I really want to see it even more!
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LOL!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!
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What did you watch!?
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LOL – something terrible –
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Yeah no shit! Why are there so many of these horrendous films, that I still haven’t seen them all haha xD
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This sounds like one that could’ve been podcast-worthy…
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Cara Gale….. you know…. we actually recorded another podcast…..
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Wait, like besides Bloody Jack?!?!?!
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Yep…………. I just never published it…….
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WHY NOT?!?!?!?!
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LOL : )
Well – the first one didn’t get a lot of positive responses back in February when I posted it and the second one was even longer so I figured no one would listen to it.
Want me to see if I still have it?
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Go for it!!!
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OK – I think it’s still on my desktop at home – I’ll look tonight! : )
If nothing else, last weekend I told Chris about how you guys listened to it and we agreed to do another one. : )
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Which is an excellent plan!! đŸ˜€
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Wonderful : )
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Hair Food??? Anyways, I really want to watch this now, sounds right up my alley. *giggles*
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I think THIS might be one that YOU would like!!
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Yay!! I’ll have to see if I can find it then. OH!! Carry & I found the perfect movie for Shitfest btw!!!
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YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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My life is complete now that I’ve seen inside your bathroom cabinet. đŸ™‚
And this movie looks shit.
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HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!
And – Mad Cowgirl should always be highly suggested for movie recommendations!!!
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You crack me up, Eric!
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YES!!! I try!!
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Yeah definitely skipping out on this one!
HAIR FOOD?!
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HAHAHAHAHA!!!
Do you want to borrow it???
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Erm, let me think about that…
…
…
…
…
…
… Nope. Really still not warming to the idea…
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HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!!!
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This film looks mental. So it’s definitely British Beef she eats? Is everyone still avoiding it? I’ve eaten loads of the stuff since that time they started piling cows up in the fields of England and setting fire to them, and I’m okay. Well, I think I am. đŸ˜‰
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It’s British beef in the movie – I don’t know about everyone else but I’ve been eating ribeyes since I was around twenty and I’m sane.
Maybe.
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I shall avoid this like the plague itself.
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Good call, brother!!
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What a piece of shit!
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GOD DAMN this was terrible!!!!!!
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