HAPPY CHRISTMAS EVE!! I’m not a religious guy but I thoroughly enjoy the Christmas season – I like the lights and our Christmas tree and the ornaments and all of that good stuff – and I like giving out presents!! Well – today we have a very special pre-Christmas present as I am able to present to you the meeting minutes of the session I had recently where I sat down with Cinema Parrot Disco and we discussed some very, very meaningful topics. Enjoy!!
HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO EVERYONE FROM YOUR FRIENDS AT THE IPC!! I HOPE EVERYONE HAS A SAFE AND HAPPY HOLIDAY! IF YOU SHOULD FIND YOURSELF FEELING BLUE OVER THE NEXT FEW WEEKS – GIVE ME A SHOUT AT firstname.lastname@example.org AND LET’S SEE IF WE CAN’T FIND SOME CHRISTMAS CHEER OUT THERE. XO ALL.
EI: Let’s go ahead and get this out of the way. The address for your blog is “Table 9 Mutant” yet you mysteriously go by the name “Cinema Parrot Disco”. What’s with the mystery, lady????
CPD: I’m actually Amber Heard.
EI: This is a two parter: You once posted that you were up at 2:00 in the morning and that you needed to go to sleep. A) Why would you be up at 2 O’Clock in the morning in the first place, what, are you a teenager???? And B) Everyone knows that nothing good happens after midnight – what were you thinking???
CPD: A) As a teenager I was a good girl & got good grades & went to bed at a reasonable hour & had NO FUN WHATSOEVER. So now I party all night long!
CPD: B) Actually, you’re right – nothing good happens at 2:00 am. But no one bugs you either, which is nice. I’m old so I like peace & quiet.
EI: You recently commented on my site that you thought I was a serial killer. WHAT THE HELL?????
CPD: Um, oh… I’m very sorry. Please forgive me. Please. Why are you looking at me like that? Please don’t hurt me… I swear I won’t tell anyone about the bodies!
EI: You say that you live over in England somewhere. A) How often do you run into Sting and B) do you pinch his butt????
CPD: I see him all the damn time! It seems like with every breath I take, he’s watching me. I know he’s so lonely and can’t stand losing me but he stands SO close to me all the time! He freaks me out. He once told me he’s the King of pain & actually asked me to pinch his butt but I didn’t want him to end up wrapped around my finger.
EI: I’ve never been over there but I’ve seen a lot of old Doctor Who so I can only design this scene in my head and not with firsthand experience but: let’s say you’re sitting on some stone wall that was masoned 600 years ago, drinking tea. It’s foggy and cold and presumably there’s some sort of huge, grassy field behind you. As you set down your teacup, you hear screaming. A figure approaches through the mist!! It’s getting closer!!! CLOSER!!!! As he passes by you, you notice it’s Jesus and he’s screaming “HOLY SHIT THEY’RE COMING!!!! RUN!!!!! RUN!!!!!” What do you do???
CPD: First of all, I’m impressed that Jesus swears. This is a Jesus I would maybe listen to! But I’d probably still wait around to see what had the son of God so scared. Is he being chased by the Flying Spaghetti Monster? Or maybe he’s being chased by that Darwin Jesus fish with legs! That would be cool… Whatever it is, I bet I could outrun him if need be – it’s probably not easy running in those sandals.
EI: Let’s do an IPC version of a Rorschach test. When you see this image, Mutant, what comes to your mind????
CPD: Chris Hemsworth’s nude scene in Rush. Niiiiiiiice. What comes to your mind when you see this?:
( o ) ( o )
EI: Speaking of pictures – what do you think of Toots’ new Christmas sweater?????
CPD: That. Is. Awesome. I like both but I especially like that pink one. It looks like something Reese Witherspoon would put on her dog in Legally Blonde. Are you actually Reese Witherspoon??
EI: Can I tell you how much I hate Microsoft Word????
CPD: Sure, go ahead!
EI: Currently, in my Blu-Ray player is a DVD of a movie called MAD COWGIRL. I’m sure you haven’t seen or heard of it but the question is this, Parrot: Have you ever been associated with or known as “a mad cowgirl”??????
CPD: No. Cowgirls probably listen to country music, right? Then HELL NO. I suppose I am a little mad, though. Yee Haw.
EI: It’s almost time for our famous Half Way Bio Break!! Before we stretch our legs and do Number 1s – our readers want to know: Are you wearing what they call a “cravat”???? Please tell us and then help yourself to some of those homemade tarts I brought today.
CPD: Cravat?? Isn’t that the nosy neighbor in Bewitched?? Thank you – your tarts look lovely! I may have one later.
*15 Minute Bio Break*
EI: As you can see I’ve lit some candles in my office. While you were on break – um – er – someone came by with some – um – uh – broccoli. Please enj-CPD: Broccoli? I smell something but I don’t think it’s broccoli. Oh my god – do you smell that? What is that?? My eyes are watering…
EI: Well! As I was saying, ahem, you recently went on the public record claiming that Chris Hemsworth is actually, in fact, a god sent from the heavens and chiseled from the marbles of Mount Olympus. The question, Disco, the question is this: HUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHH??
CPD: It’s true. Have you SEEN that nude scene in Rush??
EI: Cinema Parrot – our readers are DYING to know – honestly, and for the record, what are your thoughts on Session Initiation Protocol???????
CPD: I can’t believe you’d ask me something so personal! How rude.
EI: Now I am watching that 80s movie called HOUSE with The Greatest American Hero himself, William Katt. The question here is this: how do you like your men’s Permanents? Tight n’ Curly or Loose and Flamboyant?????
CPD: Believe it or not, I like curly hair!
Tight n’ curly or loose and free-ee-ee
Cuter than Katt, he’s the King of permed hair
Who could it be?
Believe it or not, Greg Brady!
EI: What are your thoughts on one of my office drawers???
CPD: The hot sauce on your desk doesn’t surprise me at all. Please tell me you didn’t smother your eggs with that this morning – if so, I think you should have warned me before I came in here for this interview! I see you like pumping iron. 12 pounds?? That’s very impressive! I like that you have some canned food – that could come in handy in the event of a sudden zombie outbreak in your workplace. My hubby would be jealous of your US version of Watchmen as we were totally ripped off on the UK version (I don’t know how – ask him – I’m a girl & don’t care). But it will bug me for the rest of my life what those other DVDs are. Is that top one Inglourious Basterds? No clue on the one underneath but the guy has a Tom Savini look about him. Or is it Josh Brolin? Is it Planet Terror??? Am I sad if I got that right?!? 🙂
EI: Please tell us – in all honesty – we must know – which do you prefer to do more often and publicly: Planking, Tebowing, Owling or doing the Cabbage Patch????????
EI: As a rule I like to bring my own lunch to work. Sometimes I forget and usually eat a can of soup or something out of that drawer we looked in earlier. I am attempting to keep the interviews with the Good Ladies less salty than what we saw recently with Nick but every time I forget to bring something to eat I go to the deli and they always have FUCKING NASTY MEATLOAF!!!!!! Thoughts?
CPD: Are you OK??? Is that your stomach making those noises??? Did you eat some of those tarts you made??? : (
EI: I’m uh. Yeah yeah – I’m OK. I need to – um – Hey real quick – I need to – erm – go check the fax machine… BRB
Hey guys, it’s CPD here – I’m not sure if Eric’s coming back… He wasn’t looking so great when he left. I wonder if it’s those tarts. You think he puts hot sauce on his tarts? I’m glad I didn’t eat one! Hmm… He’s taking a very long time. I wonder if he has any Pepto Bismol in his drawers – I didn’t notice any in his bathroom cabinet pic at home. I’ll check…
*Opens bottom drawer*
Oh, he has a red ball. That’s nice! Must be for playing with his dogs. And handcuffs. Huh? And that’s a weird mask… Oh, and he has a framed photo of… *Turns photo over* What? Is that Brian from Hard Ticket to Home Video?? That’s odd… Um , I think this is a private drawer – I’ll move on.
Oh – maybe I better read his e-mail in case that’s an important work message. It says “Dear Mr Isaacs, thank you for joining the Harry Potter fan club”. Okay – not a work e-mail.
I hear some groaning coming from down the hall. I wonder what that’s about. Hopefully not a zombie outbreak…
*Pretending I’m in Saturday detention Breakfast-Club-style & whistling The Bridge on the River Kwai*
Eric has been gone 45 minutes. Maybe I should have someone go check on him. I’m getting worried! Wait – I think I heard a flush. Wonder if that’s him. I hear footsteps coming down the hall now…
EI: Hi… gosh…. Sorry about that… the – um fax machine was…. out of paper… Where were we? Yes. Um – so – have you ever noticed that, in the movies, when someone comes back from a grocery store they always only have one paper bag of groceries with a head of leaf lettuce sticking out of the top of it??????
CPD: Yeah. WTF? I mean, who actually eats lettuce? Seriously. Or they have a big baguette sticking out of the top. Let’s be real, Hollywood! If it’s an American movie it should be plastic bad-for-the-environment bags overflowing with pizza, Doritos & beer! And no one has a phone number starting with 555, dammit.
EI: True story – I grew up alone and nowadays I sit by myself in a 20 x 30 office and pretty much only talk to people online and have the occasional conference call. All of that is to just define that I am a pretty solitary type of guy who doesn’t have to deal with a lot of commotion or ado. I just went downstairs to get a diet coke and when I got on the elevator a woman comes screaming around the corner “Hold the elevator!!! Hold the elevator!!” So I do and then another woman does the same thing and then it happens again… finally the elevator doors shut and they talk to each other around me like they’re at a fucking football game it’s so loud. Parrot Mutant – can you picture me standing in the corner of the elevator with a frown on my face and my eyes shut trying to not lose it?????
CPD: Yes, I can. Too bad you’re not a serial killer – you could have taken care of them. It would have been like the beginning of most of the movies you review. 🙂
EI: Lastly – I’m not sure when we’ll get this posted but I know what we’re shooting for so: HAVE YOU SENT MY CHRISTMAS PRESENT YET??????????????
CPD: Yes. You already have handerpants so I thought you might like a pair of Fundies to share with Brian… Err… I mean, to share with that special someone. Merry Christmas! 🙂