Isaacs Picture Conclusions

HEARTLESS (2010) THREE TOP HATS

HEARTLESS1

*may contain run-on sentences and spoilers about: my early life…. and the movie*

WOW – has it really been FOUR years (or so ) since I started watching this movie and then had to go do something and the rental expired? For memory’s sake – this is the first “Early Release” I ever rented with the hope of putting something out before anyone else did (this was on a different platform mind you) (iWeb not WordPress). Well, fuck, it’s been almost THREE years out here on WP… lord how time flies. I guess you never forget some things. You first kiss (I remember mine – on my mom’s porch where I grew up FRENCH FRENCH FRENCH #bumpyandweird). I remember the first bar I went to when I turned 21. I remember what I did when I turned 30. And 40.  I also remember my first ever “like”out here and my first ever comment from someone that was not a personal friend I knew – here’s looking at you, Bruiser (not the stranger commenter – that was SEVEN DOORS OF CINEMA)! I don’t think Bruiser reads anymore because she took a different job at work and doesn’t need me any longer : ( anyway *drunken ramble finishes – HEARTLESS is OK – I wouldn’t say it was worth a three year wait to finish it, but it’s all right.

HEARTLESS2

Set in what appears to be the most depressing place on Earth – East London – this fellow above skulks around town, hiding his face under a hood because he has a giant, heart shaped birthmark covering almost half of it. Unruly teens make fun of him and he runs into this hot chick one time and she’s actually spooked by his appearance.  Women!! Anyway – one day he’s out taking pictures of run down, depressing shit when he sees something weird in a window of run down, depressing shitty house. Like everyone would, he returns that night and tries to go inside the house, thus committing a crime, but he can’t get in. Luckily, there’s someone else wearing a hood, down the alley, kicking something. Naturally, he follows this person through the run down, depressing, shitty streets of East London until he comes across a group of them having some sort of run down, depressing, shitty bonfire – and doing a lot of howling. In a scene of cinematic ingenuity, he kicks over some sort of run down, depressing, shitty bottle and they know he’s there so one of em comes over to say “Cheers, Mate! Care for a spot of tea? Crumpets? Bangers and Mash?” and it turns out that he looks like this:

HEARTLESS3

I always knew the English were known for having bad teeth, but… SHEESH!!! OK. SHIT! So he sees that after being dissed by this:

HEARTLESS6

and then his mom gets burned alive by The Demon English so he sells his soul to the devil – named Papa B – and his birthmark goes away and he scores with the hot chick and then things get all symbolic and a little bloody and someone eats someone’s cheek (face, not butt) and FUCK IT’S GETTING COLD AGAIN HERE and I really just spent sixty fucking dollars on two books earlier and someone just pressured me into ordering a “classic” movie so I ordered Citizen Kane and some Charlie Chaplin movie to rebel against the authority of people telling me what to do and hen I find out that this person has never seen those two things so I feel like I just screwed myself but I still like you that person but I know I am going to hate these two things but maybe I won’t… who knows. I sure didn’t like The Godfather.

HEARTLESS4

Oh well – it’s about time to go get a fire started and make some supper. Besides being awfully fucking depressing, this movie was doing all right until the big fucking payoff at the end. I know I griped and griped about the big reveal in EUROPA REPORT and we’ve all had good laughs at “Muckers and the Fucking Octopus”, but the big reveal here was even dumber. After everything we’ve been through and Birthmark is having his big confrontation with Good vs. Evil and Heaven and Hell and Salvation vs. Fucking Damned, this is who we see he’s up against????

HEARTLESS5

WHAT??? Oh god damn. Good grief. Hellooooooooooooooooo burned dong with teeth. YEESH. They should have totally kept this one under the hoodie. I don’t think even The English have it that bad. And I love The English! BRRRRRRRRR that’s about enough of this. Happy Monday to everyone and HAVE A GOOD WEEK!!!

53 comments

  3. table9mutant

    I’m sitting here in shitty, run down, depressing England and thinking “I still have the hots for Jim Sturgess anyway”. Oh yeaaaahhhh – what a cutie. Love those brown puppy dog eyes! And I still like you too, hater of classic cinema. Lmao! Citizen Kane?!! 😉

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  13. Victor De Leon

    “Set in what appears to be the most depressing place on Earth – East London” Haha! That was epic, bro. I started it too one day and never went back to it. I think it was on Netflix when I watched it but I’m not too sure if it is still on there. I need to finish it. Thanks for the reminder! Good review, man!

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