*may contain run-on sentences and spoilers about: my early life…. and the movie*
WOW – has it really been FOUR years (or so ) since I started watching this movie and then had to go do something and the rental expired? For memory’s sake – this is the first “Early Release” I ever rented with the hope of putting something out before anyone else did (this was on a different platform mind you) (iWeb not WordPress). Well, fuck, it’s been almost THREE years out here on WP… lord how time flies. I guess you never forget some things. You first kiss (I remember mine – on my mom’s porch where I grew up FRENCH FRENCH FRENCH #bumpyandweird). I remember the first bar I went to when I turned 21. I remember what I did when I turned 30. And 40. I also remember my first ever “like”out here and my first ever comment from someone that was not a personal friend I knew – here’s looking at you, Bruiser (not the stranger commenter – that was SEVEN DOORS OF CINEMA)! I don’t think Bruiser reads anymore because she took a different job at work and doesn’t need me any longer : ( anyway *drunken ramble finishes – HEARTLESS is OK – I wouldn’t say it was worth a three year wait to finish it, but it’s all right.
Set in what appears to be the most depressing place on Earth – East London – this fellow above skulks around town, hiding his face under a hood because he has a giant, heart shaped birthmark covering almost half of it. Unruly teens make fun of him and he runs into this hot chick one time and she’s actually spooked by his appearance. Women!! Anyway – one day he’s out taking pictures of run down, depressing shit when he sees something weird in a window of run down, depressing shitty house. Like everyone would, he returns that night and tries to go inside the house, thus committing a crime, but he can’t get in. Luckily, there’s someone else wearing a hood, down the alley, kicking something. Naturally, he follows this person through the run down, depressing, shitty streets of East London until he comes across a group of them having some sort of run down, depressing, shitty bonfire – and doing a lot of howling. In a scene of cinematic ingenuity, he kicks over some sort of run down, depressing, shitty bottle and they know he’s there so one of em comes over to say “Cheers, Mate! Care for a spot of tea? Crumpets? Bangers and Mash?” and it turns out that he looks like this:
I always knew the English were known for having bad teeth, but… SHEESH!!! OK. SHIT! So he sees that after being dissed by this:
and then his mom gets burned alive by The Demon English so he sells his soul to the devil – named Papa B – and his birthmark goes away and he scores with the hot chick and then things get all symbolic and a little bloody and someone eats someone’s cheek (face, not butt) and FUCK IT’S GETTING COLD AGAIN HERE and I really just spent sixty fucking dollars on two books earlier and someone just pressured me into ordering a “classic” movie so I ordered Citizen Kane and some Charlie Chaplin movie to rebel against the authority of people telling me what to do and hen I find out that this person has never seen those two things so I feel like I just screwed myself but I still like you that person but I know I am going to hate these two things but maybe I won’t… who knows. I sure didn’t like The Godfather.
Oh well – it’s about time to go get a fire started and make some supper. Besides being awfully fucking depressing, this movie was doing all right until the big fucking payoff at the end. I know I griped and griped about the big reveal in EUROPA REPORT and we’ve all had good laughs at “Muckers and the Fucking Octopus”, but the big reveal here was even dumber. After everything we’ve been through and Birthmark is having his big confrontation with Good vs. Evil and Heaven and Hell and Salvation vs. Fucking Damned, this is who we see he’s up against????
WHAT??? Oh god damn. Good grief. Hellooooooooooooooooo burned dong with teeth. YEESH. They should have totally kept this one under the hoodie. I don’t think even The English have it that bad. And I love The English! BRRRRRRRRR that’s about enough of this. Happy Monday to everyone and HAVE A GOOD WEEK!!!
Happy Monday sir and we English love you too, all of us! She’s come on a bit since that Harry Potter film she was in.
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WONDERFUL!!! One day I’ll come over there and kiss you all!
Um – yeah – I’d like to kiss on her for a minute. Or 97.
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This is awesome. I can’t even pick the best line, because they were all pretty much equally awesome. Great work!
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HAHA!! THANK YOU!!
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I’m sitting here in shitty, run down, depressing England and thinking “I still have the hots for Jim Sturgess anyway”. Oh yeaaaahhhh – what a cutie. Love those brown puppy dog eyes! And I still like you too, hater of classic cinema. Lmao! Citizen Kane?!! 😉
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HA!!!
CITIZEN KANE!!!!!!!!!????????!?!?!?!?!?!
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Good to see this get a bit of attention! Sturgess is one of those actors who deserves to break through, but hasn’t quite managed it. Let’s forget about One Day shall we?
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I wish this would have ended better… : (
And I wish they would have kept the penis monster hidden….
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Fair point about the penis monster.
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: )
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And how the hell do you spend that much money on two books? What are they?!
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It was two of the hardback BEFORE WATCHMEN prequels (there’s four total). If I recall, you didn’t care for the movie and probably haven’t read the graphic novel. but I geeked out over the new prequels and had to have them!
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I did read the graphic novel so HA! :-p
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Well!! The egg is really on my face…
I’ll let you know how the prequels go… : )
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Oh! And that looks like that thing from Tromeo & Juliet. Looks rubbish! The whole film! WTF?
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LOL!!!!! It’s not THAT bad….
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What the fudge?!?! That thing is bloody creepy looking. I’ve never seen this, may have to check it out!
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It’s not that bad really – it just really peters out towards the end….
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Yeah, we all look like that in England
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I know – I watched your video!
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Hahaha! Ouch!
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Just Kidding of course : )
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I watched this on netflix a few months ago; it was okay.
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Yep – just OK….
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That last image is seriously in the movie? God damn…
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Well – it’s not just a picture of my weenie…. hey – is your site working??
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It’s not. The plugin I was using for the awards weighed down the site. Working on fixing it now.
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Let me know when it’s good – I have a referral post ready to go : )
It’s currently scheduled to go in 1:45 minutes…
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It probably won’t be up that soon.
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OK
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It’s alive!
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It’s on!!
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Ooo bumpy and weird, that sounds like a hell of first kiss and maybe a little bit of a first grope too? Hahaha.
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LOL – I know there was a butt brush that ended the first kiss… LOL!!
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Awww, and it probably took you some serious courage to go for that butt brush.
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IT SURE DID!! And it was a total, 1,000% NOOB FAIL!
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Citizen Kane is one of my all time favourites. I’m looking forward to your review.
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I hope I like it….!
?
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“Set in what appears to be the most depressing place on Earth – East London” Haha! That was epic, bro. I started it too one day and never went back to it. I think it was on Netflix when I watched it but I’m not too sure if it is still on there. I need to finish it. Thanks for the reminder! Good review, man!
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LOL Vic!!!
As always – THANK YOU!!
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my pleasure, man 😉
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Hahaha. Glorious. This one sounds like a winner. Stay warm, my friend. Temps in the TEENS tomorrow. Yippee skippy it’s a heatwave!!!
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HAHAHA THANK YOU Caramerica!!
I know!! It’s AMAZING how different 18 feels rather than – 8…!!
BE WARM!!
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Citizen Kane is overrated. No dick monsters.
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I KNEW IT!!!
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LOL oh well done Eric, once again such an entertaining read laced with the gems of your past! 😛
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LOL!! THANK YOU ZOE!!!
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All I remember about this is the clingwrap scene…
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That was pretty gnarly….
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This is my review: http://wherethewildthingsare14.wordpress.com/2011/07/15/film-study-week-42/
Direct quote, “Unless you have a desperate wish to see Jim Sturgess massacring a rent boy wrapped in clingfilm while under the instruction of a small Asian girl (yes really) I probably wouldn’t bother.”
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LOL – PERFECT!!!
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Haha, what?? https://isaacspictureconclusions.files.wordpress.com/2014/01/heartless5.jpg?w=800
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HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!
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