Isaacs Picture Conclusions

SPLICE (2010) ONE TOP HAT

Here’s one of the first things I ever wrote out here – let’s see how sucky it is…

SPOILERS AHEAD: I really, really, really, really, really wanted to love this movie. I talked about it for weeks and watched the trailer over and over despite the wife’s repulsion. I was in love with the creature (and Sarah Polley) and even took a half day off of work to see it the day it came out. My wife and friends kid me all of the time because i like every movie too much, but this one was a REAL stinker.

Clive and Elsa are geneticists that create some sort of bizarre, disgusting looking creature out of some cells that actually comes to life and offers promises of what the future can bring to curing things like cancer and whatnot, but of course they can’t use human cells for cloning, so they unconvincingly start working endlessly late at night etc, blah, blah, blah until somehow they finally get something to “take” (turns out the secret ingredient she secretly snuck into the mix were her own cells).

The girl is birthed, the girl grows extremely quickly, the girl names herself DREN using some letter blocks and eventually gets too big to keep in the lab or the basement. Clive wants to kill the creature, Elsa loves it as her own child, they find out it can breathe underwater and move her in the cover of night to some farmhouse from Elsa’s childhood where she was abused or  something for years and years, left unexplained.  Eventually Dren wants out to kill and eat, Elsa wants to kill her, and then Adrien Brody actually screws what is essentially his daughter.

When Elsa catches Clive in this unfortunate act, after some annoying bickering, they conclude that Dren needs to be killed and they head back to the farmhouse. Turns out Dren’s already dead!! YAY – is the movie over? Sadly not. After burying Dren, their lab partner and manager show up demanding to see the forbidden creature, who returns to us as a male and promptly kills the two new arrivals. (The sex change was weakly alluded to at some point earlier that i didn’t care about either). Anyway, now male, he beats up Clive, rapes what is his mother, and then, in his dying act, Clive kills the thing once and for all. At the end of the movie Elsa signs a contract with the pharmaceutical company they work for to carry through her pregnancy (is it Clive’s or the creature’s? Who cares).

There you go – a real winner. I thought that they did very good on the CGI for Dren’s legs and tail, but her eyes they never quite got right. If it was a side shot, they used the actress’ eyes, but front shots required both eyes and they never did quite work for me. For some reason I didn’t think Polley cared much about this movie – because it was my least favorite thing i have ever seen her in. Lastly, Dren couldn’t talk the entire movie, but suddenly when she is now a he, he gets his one and only line in response to Elsa’s screams of “What do you want?!” His response – and only line of the movie, you ask?? –> “Inside you” then rape. for real.

This one sucked. I give it it one top hat for getting me out of work for half a day.

***

LOL – Nice post, young Isaacs. Sorry about this one, Most Beloveds. Tune in tomorrow for something extremely special to me!!

83 comments

  1. I was into this right up until Brody fucked his mutant daughter for no real reason whatsoever, then it fell apart faster than a toilet paper bathing suit. One of the worst second halves of a movie EVER. And really, she’s not going to abort that thing after everything that happened? Fucking ridiculous.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I know I’m in the minority on this but I really, really liked this movie. Can’t really remember why now, it’s been that long, but I’m sure it came across as a decent little Sci-Fi.

    Like

      • Yeah, I’m pretty sure! I normally like all that gene splicing shit and I like Brody and Polley. This worked for me. In fact, I think I may have given it 4 stars. There’s a review in my index somewhere but like yourself it was written a very long time. I should have a look back at that myself.

        Like

      • theipc

        Well good – glad you liked it. I couldn’t get over the fact that he screws his mutant daughter and then the daughter turns into a son and screws his mom. LOL

        Boat Drinks!!

        Like

    • GaryLee828

      I’m a big Adrien Brody fan, as well. And I was interested to see how this unfolded after a fairly intriguing first half, but I was deeply disturbed by the scene where Brody banged the mutant; it ruined everything. And then the finale became laughable it was so silly.

      Liked by 1 person

    • Psst… Mark – I kind of liked this one too. Don’t tell Eric. 😉 It reminded me a bit of Cronenberg at first. I like a bit of fucked up Cronenberg-y shit. Well, okay – the creepy incestuous sex & rape thing kind of scarred me for life… But so did The Brood. And Crash! The wound in the leg thing. Yikes!

      Like

      • Nice one Disco girl! I’m a bit hit and miss with Cronenberg myself but I do like some of his stuff. That Crash and the whole of humping of legs deal was certainly eye-opening. It’s a spot-on comparison, though. There are elements to Splice that certainly wouldn’t go amiss from a Cronenberg movie. Glad to hear you’ve got my back here. (I’ve got your leg) 😉

        Like

  3. L Severance

    I remember how excited you were to see this when it came out – and then you saw it – and I thought I might want to see it – and you cautioned me strongly – and I think I even said, I don’t know man, maybe I’ll like it…and you advised of the mutant sex…
    well…I’ve still never seen it…
    but I enjoyed the write-up then and now! PS – can Shitfest start on 1/15 – I’m ready!

    Like

  4. This sounds like some quality Shitfest Material. It’s basically a Greek Tragedy with monsters.
    I am really interested though in the idea that monster freak thing doesn’t talk when it’s female, but suddenly can once it becomes male. Why? Because now it can be a rapist? What were they trying to achieve there? That really rubs me the wrong way.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Splice!!!!! The film that could have been so much better. Adrien Brody is SUCH a cool dude as well ❤

    I didn't hate the film, I just thought the ending SUCKED BIG TIME and it was pretty lame in parts and very silly etc. But I don't mind the movie TOO much. It's the kind of film that I almost forget how shitty it is and want to watch it again with new found hope that it's better than I remember. But it really isn't. Best part is the first 30 minutes I think – all goes downhill from there!

    Liked by 2 people

    • theipc

      Fucking Splice!!!! I wanted to like this movie sooooooooooooo much and hated its guts!! Me guts, Coop!! Me guts!!!!

      Love Pen!!!!

      P.S. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

      #megutscoop

      Liked by 2 people

      • ME GUTS COOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

        I swear when it actually gets to that point in the film (when I’m watching it with you and Laura) I will actually explode with anticipation!!!!!

        Yeah I know EXACTLY what you mean, like I say, it’s still a film I could re-watch now “hoping” it’s better than I remembered. It starts off pretty well and if it didn’t have that RIDICULOUS ending “inside you” I could forgive it more.

        Love ya Pen!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! O _ o o _ O

        Liked by 2 people

  6. Dear ei,
    I love this! Your post, not this shitty film. I felt absolutely disgusted by this one, and I always think I’ve got quite a high threshold. It’s just gross and unnecessary but it doesn’t even have the decency to present itself that way, it acts like its a legitimate, mainstream movie. I hate this film.
    Yours,
    fn

    PS shit on this bloody thing

    Liked by 1 person

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