If no one’s ever paid attention to what I do out here – I try and do something relatively new on Fridays – in case even one of the Most Beloveds are thinking of renting something over the weekend. I believe the trend is to rent something new while you eat some pizza and down some beers or Watermelon infused Martinis – so I try and find something fresh off the shelf to help you make sound decisions. “Why do you continue to fucking bother me with this shit, Isaacs??” You ask. Because I didn’t really want to watch this. Only two people have ever read my thoughts on the first one – which you could find here if you felt like it – but I didn’t really love it. I found it full of holes and stupid questions and then it really fell apart in the third part. Like – it shit it’s own pants in the last third and didn’t even bother to clean up the mess. PHEEEEEEEEEWWWWWW STIIIIINKYYYY!!!!! I thought the first was going pretty good – with plot holes – until the last bit which ruined everything for me. I feel like this one started off pretty shitty and then got pretty darn good until (and I checked) minute 91 where I fucking LOL-ed and it was over for me. *Spoilers ahead if you plan on seeing this*
SHHH – don’t tell anyone but I really like Patrick Wilson – and Rose Byrne for that matter – and I fucking jizzed everywhere during James Wan’s THE CONJURING and – OOOOOOHMYGOD is that Jocelin Donahue from HOUSE OF THE DEVIL???? YUM!!!! This has got to be good, somehow, right?? Well – the first third, or act, give it a name, is really boring and lame and WTF is going on with Wilson’s line delivery?? Also – I REALLY like long, slow tracking and pan shots – I mean – that’s my bag, man, but, I guess now I see that too many can be too much. Long, slow, tracking shots are the first half of this movie. I think the gimmick here was to slowly circle around the interior of the house while Byrne talks on the phone and then BAMLOUDNOISE!!! something in the background while we continue to circle and get to this other place and BAMLOUDNOISE!!!!! the toddler-walker-thingie goes off and she turns it off and goes to sit on the stairs and BAMLOUDNOISE!!!! there’s a ghost in the other room. I don’t know – it got old after about 30 minutes. I know some people didn’t like LORDS OF SALEM but I really did and I thought the long, slow, tracking shot worked really well in that one.
I actually thought the second third, or the second act, or the BEEF of the movie was pretty good. I even went on Twitter saying that this was getting enjoyable and Wilson’s stiff acting was explained well. We get away from the Darth Maul demon bullshit and no one’s out there grinding their fucking claws on a fucking sharpening stone and everything was looking good. I liked what was happening with the dead serial killer and his dead mom. I liked how they had made a good segue from the first to the sequel. I liked Barbara Hershey again and wanted to make it with her like if I was 11. The two bumbling tech guys didn’t bother me. Everything was going good! UNTIL….
Wilson’s character is possessed by the soul of this serial killer, see. He’s gone all shithouse crazy and he’s doing his best Jack Torrance trying to kill his family. He’s hammering on the basement hallway door with a bat!! He breaks through!!! She’s got a crowbar in the door latch!!! He’s pounding and POUNDING and SCREAMING and she’s SCARED TO SHIT!!!!! THE REAL WILSON CHARACTER IS TRAPPED IN THE FURTHER!!!! SHIT!!!!!!!!! “I can go get daddy, mommy, if you let me go to sleep.” says the little kid. So she agrees and makes him a nice little bed and while all of this fucking noise and screaming and yelling and shitfuck chaos is happening, he falls asleep in three fucking seconds.
See that last image? That’s my reaction to the stupidest plot development I’ve ever seen. To make things even worse, after the dead psychic lady from the first one kills the serial killer’s dead mom’s ghost with a rocking horse, they race out of the house into the eternal darkness of The Further and he just happens to run into his kid. “How did you find me?” Dad asks. “I followed your steps.” Claims the child who doesn’t have a lamp or anything other than a walkie talkie tin can on his belt. What a way to fucking go, Insidious 2. This movie ended worse than David Carradine….
Have a good weekend everyone!! Don’t forget to get me your SHITFEST entries as soon as you can : )