*The following post contains a handful of adult images. Readers in New Jersey and Portland are discouraged from proceeding.*
This movie reminds me of another story from my life… My very first job I had, when I turned 16, was being a bus boy at this local hamburger joint down the street from where I lived. I didn’t mind it but I didn’t know any better. Anyway, one night I was out busing the place up and at one point I was wiping down a table, in some sort of zone staring out into space – you know, cleaning the salt shakers and dumping silverware in a tub. As I finished, I focused my eyes and, in typical IPC fashion, I was accidentally staring at some woman breast feeding her baby. She was glaring at me like she had never been so appalled in her life. I don’t remember what I did after that since that was almost 30 years ago but I’m sure my face turned red and I probably crapped my pants a little but, thankfully that’s behind me. The point of all of that is this: as uncomfortable as that moment in time was, watching Meg Ryan getting her butt licked by Mark Ruffalo was just about as unsettling.
So… this movie starts off with some blond thrustily banging some dude on a big bed. She ties his arms to the grated headboard and just when they’re about to – um – release – she stabs him in the neck fifty times with an ice pick!!!!! DAMN!!!! Oh wait, that’s BASIC INSTINCT which came as a double feature with this. This one starts off with Meg Ryan and her dreamy eyes waking from a peaceful slumber full of people ice skating. The other side of the bed is empty. Someone is missing. Oh the forlorn-ness… : ( “Be forlorn…” the director gently whispers on the set. “You’re full of melancholy and longing, yet hopeful and optimistic.” “Forlorn is my middle name,” Ryan responds, slipping under the sheets. “Ask my Forlorn Fucking Agent.”
How did that happen? I am sure the lovely and austere Meg Ryan would never say something like that. Or have her butt licked in a movie. But, as it goes, she wakes and her forlorn sister is there – Jennifer Jason Leigh and her boobs – and they head out into the city. I am not sure what Jason Leigh goes off to do but Ryan meets up with an enormous, muscled and bald youth. For real, if you’ve seen this please help the stupid, old man here, but – they head to a bar in the middle of the morning so he can teach her slang words about sex? HUH? OK. The word of the day is “Meow”, which I am not familiar with but probably has something to do with something, but in the middle of the tutoring session she has to go piss, so she up and leaves the table, sees a bunch of people partying in the middle of the morning, heads down into the suckiest looking corridor in the Mid-Atlantic to a bathroom and catches some due with a tattoo on his wrist, smoking a cigarette and getting an explicit Blow Job (in the unrated version I have here). Before we proceed, did I mention the young, enormous, bald youth is writing a BOOK on John Wayne Gacy?? Serial Killer anyone??? HUH?????? ANYONE???????
Speaking of serial killers, coincidentally – there’s one going around the neighborhood Ryan lives in, cutting women’s heads and arms off. Lucky for us – and Meg Ryan’s butt – Ruffalo and his moustache form-of a detective on the case of the serial decapitator. He likes to smoke cigarettes, talk softly, eat butts and – shit – he has a tattoo on his wrist (so I guess he likes explicit Bow Jobs too). Oh… and he might be the serial killer. Remember when I forlornly mentioned the empty side of the bed earlier? Well – the person that was missing there is played by none other than Kevin “THANK GOD SAMUEL JACKSON IS NOW THE GUY WHO WILL BE IN ANYTHING” Bacon. He pops up every now and then and he’s batshit in the head and – guess what???? Did you guess??? HUH?? HUH???? He might be the serial killer too!!!! This movie is actually VERY uninteresting so I am going to toss in a picture of Ryan’s boobs so no one has to watch this (unless you just NEED to see some butt licking).
There they are. We’ve – well, maybe not everyone – all been waiting since the late 80s to see those suckers. Sometimes I get criticized for being too boob-centric on the ole blog here – so here’s one for the ladies:
Back to the movie – nothing really interesting happens during the entire run of this thing. Ryan mopes around and Ruffalo licks some butt and they have sex and she cries a lot. A couple of people get killed and then it’s over. Very boring. Now I am going to go write about BASIC INSTINCT.
On a side note – it looks like I will be heading to Dallas, TX on February 7th for the weekend. Any of you Good People live there? We could get together and have a cocktail. Or seventeen.