Isaacs Picture Conclusions

THE IPC PORKS THE CLASSICS: CITIZEN KANE

IPCPORKS

KANE1

So…. how does an idiot like myself go about writing words about what some people call “the greatest movie ever made”….?

*Oh BTW – LOL – SPOILERS in this if you are the one person on the planet that doesn’t know how this ends*

*chews on pencil

*sits back

*itches foot with pencil

*sniffs pencil

*itches butt cheek with pencil

*thinks

*sniffs pencil

*wretches

*throws pencil in garbage can

*goes outside to reflect on this movie

KANE2

soooooooooooo…. let me ask you this – have YOU ever seen this movie? Willingly? Or were you forced to study it in film school? In the 40 years I’ve been around, farting and pooping, I’ve watched thousands of movies and not a single one of them EVER was CITIZEN KANE. Being the guy that I am and liking the movies that I like I have not ever once thought “Oh BOY – I’m going to sit down on the couch with a twelve pack of beer on Friday night and watch CITIZEN KANE!!!! SNAP!!!” But I did watch this the other day and thought “For the love of fuck, who thinks this is the greatest movie ever made???” I am prettttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttty sure it’s not people from my generation – I mean – we had ROCKY for crying out loud. So –

*scratches back of head

*grimaces

*cocks neck

*takes off glasses

*covers mouth

*coughs

*says meekly

……maybe we should re-vote….

KANE3

I understand that the story is epic. Sure. Right. Got it. Somehow told in an insanely non linear fashion, a dirt poor mother sells her son to some corporation for a reason I didn’t get. The boy grows up to be a CREEPY man who has zillions of dollars and is a publishing and radio magnate. He screams A LOT and cheats on his first wife and hits his second one. When she leaves him, he dies and whispers “rooooooooooooose buuuuuuuuuuud….” Somehow – get this – somehow, even though he was alone when he croaked, the newspapers doing a piece on his life and death know what his last words were so they spend what seems like a month trying to figure out who the fuck Rosebud is. Why would anyone care so much? I’m sure if someone like Lorne Michaels died and his last words were “haaaaaaaaaaaaaand buuuuuuuuuuuuuttttttt” no one would really care for too long wondering whose ass he was thinking about when he went.

KANE4

I like how that’s Endora from Bewitched…  anyway… I get it that this was probably a marvel of cinema for a number of decades but this is over 60 years old and god damn it felt like it was eighty hours long. And the sound was awful – it was noisy and everyone seemed to be screaming their lines and oh god damn there’s an opera scene that almost made me sick. I mean, for real, I get it – yeah – it’s a Classic and someone’s favorite movie but that doesn’t mean I have to like it. I also didn’t get something – towards the end, when they go out for their “picnic” – that night in the tent… while he’s in the tent, before he hits his wife – the music playing outside stops and some woman starts screaming hysterically – what’s that all about??? Can you tell me??

KANE5

Oh well – when I googled “Citizen Kane” this picture came up so I guess this wasn’t all that bad of an experience : ) Did I like it? Not really but now I can say that I’ve seen it. I guess.

On an unrelated note that has nothing to do with this film – isn’t it funny how people in movies that need some light always have convenient zippos even if the character doesn’t smoke?

70 comments

  1. Terry Malloy's Pigeon Coop

    I’m partly with you on this one mate. I watched it in film studies and appreciate that technically it’s very good in terms of lighting, camera angles, etc, but the story itself isn’t the most gripping. I think a lot of people say it’s the best movie ever made just because they think they should, when actually their favourite film is Uncle Buck.

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  5. Smash

    I really enjoy the header for this segment! Because it’s accurate. You really did just pork the shit out of this classic, lol. Way to go! I’ve never seen this one myself, and have no shame in saying that I probably never will.

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    • theipc

      LOL Thanks Smash!!!!

      I did that header card so I don’t have to type that up every time…. LOL Lazy –

      Here’s to a good week, friend!!

      *clink

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  7. bifferspice

    i thought it was a good film, but to be honest it’s more about how important it was in the history of film, as SO MANY of the things we accept as completely standard in films now were created by orson welles here, in his first ever film. i mean he came along and BLEW everyone out of the water with this. i’m talking about other filmmakers to be honest, i don’t know how it did with the public. but everyone who made films at the time were completely gobsmacked. imagine if that happened now. if a guy making his first film did something that had spielberg, tarantino, the coen brothers, just all of them going “what the fuck? this guy is amazing. i must learn from this…” or something like that. not hard to see how its reputation got made when you consider that. you’re looking for an amazing film, and you’re not seeing anything particularly mindblowing. that’s because it’s a victim of its own success. every innovative thing in that film has been redone to the point of boredom nowadays. it’s simply impossible to overrate how influential this film was on every filmmaker who saw it at the time (and for years afterwards). THAT’s why it was considered the best film of all time. Not because of the story it told, but because of how it told it.

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    • bifferspice

      bear in mind, he also co-wrote it, produced it and starred in it. and he hadn’t done any of them before either. it’s laughable how talented that guy was, to be honest. if someone came along and did that nowadays, we’d be utterly gobsmacked. the nearest i can think of for impact in recent years is tarantino with reservoir dogs, and look how we all still follow him about…

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    • theipc

      GOD DAMN A BIFFER SIGHTING!!!!! HI MY FRIEND!!!

      Sure – I get that – I understand it – it’s just not my type of movie. I like boobs and blood and this offered me none of that.

      COME BACK TO US!!

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  8. jjames36

    That zippo question is a great one.

    And so are your observations about this film. I don’t like it either. In fact, of the three or four times I’ve tried to watch it … I’ve never finished it. Boring.

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    • theipc

      LOL – I was just watching a trailer for Silent Hill one afternoon and Radha Mitchell just pops out a zippo to get some light. I mean – why does she have one?

      Thank you sir – this is totally boring….

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  11. Nick Powell

    I’m so happy you hated this because I have been able to understand its appeal. It’s boring, it’s uneventful, and who the fuck cares about a sled? I just don’t get it… Nor do I want to.

    That being said, thanks for the Shark Night image. Sara whatdafuckshername has a nice Booty.

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  13. lauren

    I’ve never seen it because I just know I’d find it boring and be afraid everyone would think I’m an imbecile for not liking it. Glad to hear it’s really not worth watching.

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  16. caragale

    I am already in love with this series. Wonderful, sir. Come to think of it, the first and only time I have ever watched this WAS in a film class. I was very “whatever” about it. What’s on tap next?? Gone With the Wind?? Casablanca?? Birth of a Nation?? The possibilities are ENDLESS!!!

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    • theipc

      WONDERFULLNESS!!!!!

      I queued a bunch of em up the other week – you’ll have to wait for the goodness to happen. Although – I’m sure I’ll bitch about them to you on Twitter : )

      Like

      Reply
  17. movierob

    great review Eric,

    The one time I watched this, I fell asleep in the middle and when I woke up, I don’t think I missed any bit of plot 🙂

    Roger Ebert was HUGE fan of this movie and he even does a commentary on the DVD explaining everything

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  19. Nicole Nevermind

    Ugh! Citizen Kane. I honestly tried to watch it once. I mean c’mon, I’m a cinemasochist of the first order. SURELY, I have the metaphorical balls to make it through the “best movie ever made”… umm…. no. I turned that shit off in probably less than 20 minutes. For comparison… I watched the entirety of the weird Japanese horror/comedy Ass Zombies: Toilet of the Dead and I genuinely enjoy Killer Klowns from Outer Space. But Citizen Kane? Man, fuck that movie. Bravo to you though, for getting through it! 🙂

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