Isaacs Picture Conclusions

MACHETE KILLS (2013) OH, GOOD GRIEF

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Recently I’ve posted about PLANET TERROR and DEATH PROOF – and, upon re-watching them, I didn’t really love either of them that much like I did when I saw them in the theater, but that’s OK, they’re still decent enough but another ten years will probably be good until I watch them again. The best thing about going to that double feature they showed? Those fake trailers! Those were great!!! Hey Eli Roth – stop trying to fucking be an actor and go make THANKSGIVING for fuck’s sake already!!! LET’S GO!!! COME ON!!!!! CHRIST!!!! SHIT!!! FUCK!! Oh well – I’m sure he’s not listening to me. Anyway – out of those trailers we also got HOBO WITH A SHOTGUN and MACHETE. And a bunch of fucking wannabees like SUGAR BOXX and BITCH SLAP. In any case – MACHETE was a load of fun and you could tell everyone was having a good time.

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After making the movie, during some interviews, Robert Rodriguez said that “If Machete makes us even five dollars, we’l make another one.” So it did and then they did and this wasn’t met very well by the people I read out here on WP and I finally watched it and – this totally butt-raped everything that was endearing and fun and special and unique and good about the trailer and the first one. FUCKING SHIT!!! In the first one we learned that “Machete don’t text.” In this one we get a bullshit line that “Machete don’t Tweet.” He’s a special OPS guy going undercover in a foreign country. Why the fuck would he be using Twitter? That doesn’t make any fucking sense even for a stupid movie. We all also know how much I like Amber Heard but… in this… she’s woeful…

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You know – here’s a story. I’ve gone on about that apartment I use to live in where we didn’t have the Playboy channel on all day and night. Well – that apartment is where I met MRS IPC and there may or maybe not have always been a lot of goings on in that place, but MRS IPC saved my life and when we decided to buy a house together and get hitched, we left all of that nonsense behind. But we still wanted to associate with our old friends so every Saturday we would go out and get some lunch (we still do – just alone) and invite someone out with us. So we would get out and go get some tacos and XXX would join us and it was fun and then a month later XXX invited YYY and then ZZZ and then AAA and then, all a fucking sudden it was a goddamn menagerie pain in the fucking ass so we basically said fuck off to all of those people and have ever since just done our own thing.

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I think the point of all of that is to say that I don’t need a bunch of people around to make my life more troublesome and irritating. I like things intimate – you know – so we can talk without having to raise our voices – I like things personal. I don’t need a bunch of noise and fucking people bothering me. And that’s what MACHETE KILLS did. It took the personal fun out of the trailer and the first movie, invited all of it’s friends over and made a bunch of needless commotion. “Let’s get that chick from Modern Family and put machine guns on her giant tits and have her scream FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKKKK!!!!!! a lot. That’ll be fun.” Well – it wasn’t.

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“Let’s also throw in Lady Gaga for no fucking good reason.” YAY!!! Said no one. I’m also still a fan of Mel Gibson even though he’s gone batshit crazy but – even he sucked it here. Wow – 624 words already – have I lost you yet? I think the only thing I actually liked about this movie was the scene with Rodriguez’ nieces in it and they were only in it for, like, ten seconds. I remember they were the best part of PLANET TERROR and were the funnest thing in DEATH PROOF but it’s glad to see them getting some more – um – exposure:

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But, I guess, that’s it. MACHETE KILLS was a big joke. And not a funny one. I used to think that “If it’s funny once it’s funny a thousand times” but that doesn’t seem to be the case with this thing. Oh well. POOPITY. DOOPITY.

60 comments

  2. Zoë

    “I don’t need a bunch of people around to make my life more troublesome and irritating. I like things intimate – you know – so we can talk without having to raise our voices – I like things personal.” – I get this. Completely.

    Love this. Definitely not something I will be watching to be honest.

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  4. GaryLee828

    I’m the same way; i’d rather hang out with a person or just a few whom i’m close to than go to a party or crowded place, etc. Life is short – our spare time is shorter – so why waste it on small talk with those we don’t even want to hang out with?

    This is also my philosophy for movies; why waste time watching movies that suck when there are good ones out there? This is why I’m quick to walk out of a movie at the theater if it sucks after about 15 minutes. I’d rather go walk in another movie and hope it’s better.

    And I’m not referring to you watching sucky movies; you do it for a reason to post a review and warn others. I’m referring to people who go to the movie theater every single weekend and watch whatever new release comes out, regardless of how sucky it is, while neglecting older movies they haven’t seen that are really good. That’s so annoying to me.

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    • theipc

      I know what you mean – that would be like me going to see something like “12 Years a Slave” just BECAUSE it’s out. That movie has NOTHING that interests me but I’m sure it’s something that will win awards all over the place. Screw movies like that.

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      • GaryLee828

        Well, I was thinking more along the lines of movies like “The Getaway” with Ethan Hawk & Selena Gomez – or “Jack Ryan Shadow Recruit” starring Chris Pine – or “I, Frankenstein” – or romantic comedies like “Something Borrowed” and “When in Rome”.

        Most of the Oscar films I don’t have a problem with even if I’m not personally interested in watching, simply b/c they are generally very well-executed; the films I can’t stand are the ones that look generic and recycled – like the titles I listed above.

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    • theipc

      I wouldn’t… it’s so overdone that it makes me sad. And pissed. And I don’t mean pissed like I just drank a bottle of scotch pissed.

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  7. jjames36

    Totally agreed. This has the ingredients to be fun, but not the execution. Mostly it’s just a sign of … blah.

    And I have a story similar to your Saturday lunch tale. I think they might illustrate the true difference between introverts and extroverts. If the latter invites one person, they mean one person. But an extrovert assumes they mean a crowd the size of Madison Square Garden.

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  8. Smash

    I feel like they were more concerned with getting a good shot of Alexa’s ass for the poster and then totally forgot about her face because YIKES! That face is a nightmare on that poster. If only someone had taken a second to glance above her collarbone.

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  15. Wednesday's Child

    The fauxtro thing was cute for about ten minutes when the Grindhouse double feature came out, but now, as with everything, it has been run into the ground. Besides, they all owe a debt to a little fake lost 80s horror TV show called Garth Marenghi’s Darkplace!

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  16. table9mutant

    I didn’t even think the first one looked that great so even Amber Heard wouldn’t make me watch this one. And, come on – she’s NEVER been a good actress. I don’t like her for her acting. ; )

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  20. caragale

    You sat through all that nonsense and all you got were machine gun boobs?! How disappointing!! Also, very sorry about that conference call. Hope you’re not messing around with any of that nonsense today! HAPPY HUMP DAY!!!

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    • theipc

      I KNOW!!!!!

      I’ve been really busy lately and certain people who have been making me busy are off today so I am taking it easy!! : ) Remember when we met at your Carnivale post?? You’ve inspired me to do something special tomorrow : )

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