Recently I’ve posted about PLANET TERROR and DEATH PROOF – and, upon re-watching them, I didn’t really love either of them that much like I did when I saw them in the theater, but that’s OK, they’re still decent enough but another ten years will probably be good until I watch them again. The best thing about going to that double feature they showed? Those fake trailers! Those were great!!! Hey Eli Roth – stop trying to fucking be an actor and go make THANKSGIVING for fuck’s sake already!!! LET’S GO!!! COME ON!!!!! CHRIST!!!! SHIT!!! FUCK!! Oh well – I’m sure he’s not listening to me. Anyway – out of those trailers we also got HOBO WITH A SHOTGUN and MACHETE. And a bunch of fucking wannabees like SUGAR BOXX and BITCH SLAP. In any case – MACHETE was a load of fun and you could tell everyone was having a good time.
After making the movie, during some interviews, Robert Rodriguez said that “If Machete makes us even five dollars, we’l make another one.” So it did and then they did and this wasn’t met very well by the people I read out here on WP and I finally watched it and – this totally butt-raped everything that was endearing and fun and special and unique and good about the trailer and the first one. FUCKING SHIT!!! In the first one we learned that “Machete don’t text.” In this one we get a bullshit line that “Machete don’t Tweet.” He’s a special OPS guy going undercover in a foreign country. Why the fuck would he be using Twitter? That doesn’t make any fucking sense even for a stupid movie. We all also know how much I like Amber Heard but… in this… she’s woeful…
You know – here’s a story. I’ve gone on about that apartment I use to live in where we didn’t have the Playboy channel on all day and night. Well – that apartment is where I met MRS IPC and there may or maybe not have always been a lot of goings on in that place, but MRS IPC saved my life and when we decided to buy a house together and get hitched, we left all of that nonsense behind. But we still wanted to associate with our old friends so every Saturday we would go out and get some lunch (we still do – just alone) and invite someone out with us. So we would get out and go get some tacos and XXX would join us and it was fun and then a month later XXX invited YYY and then ZZZ and then AAA and then, all a fucking sudden it was a goddamn menagerie pain in the fucking ass so we basically said fuck off to all of those people and have ever since just done our own thing.
I think the point of all of that is to say that I don’t need a bunch of people around to make my life more troublesome and irritating. I like things intimate – you know – so we can talk without having to raise our voices – I like things personal. I don’t need a bunch of noise and fucking people bothering me. And that’s what MACHETE KILLS did. It took the personal fun out of the trailer and the first movie, invited all of it’s friends over and made a bunch of needless commotion. “Let’s get that chick from Modern Family and put machine guns on her giant tits and have her scream FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKKKK!!!!!! a lot. That’ll be fun.” Well – it wasn’t.
“Let’s also throw in Lady Gaga for no fucking good reason.” YAY!!! Said no one. I’m also still a fan of Mel Gibson even though he’s gone batshit crazy but – even he sucked it here. Wow – 624 words already – have I lost you yet? I think the only thing I actually liked about this movie was the scene with Rodriguez’ nieces in it and they were only in it for, like, ten seconds. I remember they were the best part of PLANET TERROR and were the funnest thing in DEATH PROOF but it’s glad to see them getting some more – um – exposure:
But, I guess, that’s it. MACHETE KILLS was a big joke. And not a funny one. I used to think that “If it’s funny once it’s funny a thousand times” but that doesn’t seem to be the case with this thing. Oh well. POOPITY. DOOPITY.