Isaacs Picture Conclusions

A SHITFEST 2014: WINTER DOUBLE TAKE FEATURING LEMUEL SEVERANCE ~ THE SOCIAL NETWORK

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For those of you that don’t know him, Lemuel Severance is the name of a character from my good friend’s movie script that’s currently being shopped around Hollywood. Lem – as he likes to go by – and I, have been friends for a number of years and was the main reason I started this blog in the first place, so we could talk about movies away from work. And, while he is a busy, busy man – he likes to read this place and offers up some comments every now and then – and some fanciful text messages – and is always a big contributor in my life. Plus, he just got some bacon flavored jelly beans for Christmas. With that out of the way, please say hi to him and let’s examine one of the shittiest movies we’ve ever seen: The Social Network.

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MY TAKE:

FUCK THIS MOVIE. FUCK JESSE EISENBERG. FUCK AARON SORKIN. FUCK DAVID FINCHER. FUCK FACEBOOK. AND FUCK TRENT REZNOR.

Remember when Fincher made excellent, kick ass movies like FIGHT CLUB and SE7EN and even PANIC ROOM?? Remember when no one had ever heard of Jesse Eisenberg and his ridiculous dialogue delivery?? Remember when Reznor wanted to fuck you like an animal??? Well – all of those precious memories get taken a shit on during this 8 hour showcase of people talking constantly. TALK TALK TALK TALK TALK TALK TALK TALK TALK TALK TALK TALK TALK TALK TALK TALK TALK TALK TALK TALK TALK TALK TALK TALK TALK TALK TALK TALK TALK TALK TALK TALK TALK TALK TALK TALK TALK TALK TALK TALK . Oh – and there’s some boat rowing.

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Incredibly boring from start to finish, this movie totally sucks it and – WHAT THE FUCK??? – this won THREE Academy Awards??? For anyone that reads this place on a regular or semi-regular basis, or the I-just-found-this-site-from-Googling-“Hillbilly Porno Wrong Turn Graphic Sex”- or the five beautiful people who found this place today using the term “Fuck Safety” – you know I will probably never see the movies nominated for an Oscar. I tend to stick with the violent and obscure Horror movies, most of which The Most Beloveds would never even attempt but I actually saved someone the other day who had queued up HELL HOUSE. THIS is a good thing and I just saved a good man some of his precious time. Because time is precious and we don’t have an infinite supply of it and WHAT THE FUCK people??? This thing is WRETCHED.

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I TOTALLY don’t understand the love for this movie. Is it because we now live in a Facebook fad? Remember when lovely MySpace was popular? (Laser gun sound effect) PEEEEWWWWWW PEEEEWWWWW PEWWWWWWW (thanks MONKEYBOY) there that went. Remember, before that, when trying to pay for and host your own site was incredibly difficult?? Remember when it was popular to cuff and tuck your pants legs?? “Dude, this is pimpin’!!” said one person ever. To me.

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Remember when Vanilla Ice was hot? How about Planking? Moon Dancing?? The Margarina?? Napoleon Dynamite??? (ahem) MySpace?? Cold coffee?? I mean – was this a fad?? This is NOT a good movie. It’s LOOOOOOOOOOOONG and irritating and filled with bullshit dialogue and it means nothing to me. It means so nothing to me that I have entered it into the SHITFEST. If GRAVITY wins nothing this year and this one stands at 3 Oscars, I may boycott (or just not watch) the Academy Awards any longer.

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I mean – what else is there to say about this horseshit? NOTHING. Because that’s what this movie is = NOTHING. BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH TALK TALK TALK TALK PUKE PUKE POOP POOP BLAH BLAH TALK TALK BLAH BLAB BLAB I HATE THIS PUKE PLAB BLAB SUPPOSITORY SUPPOSITORY BLA BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLH BLECH  BLECH POOP POOP BLAH BLECH BULLSHIT FUCK OFF BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAB BLAB SOMEONE GET ME A FUCKING WHISKEY BOO BOO BLAH BLAH LOOK AT ME LOOK ME I’M TALKING BLAH BLAH FUCK FUCK POOP SHIT POOP FUCK IT FUCK OFF BLAH AND A CLUB FUCKING SANDWICH BLAH BLAH BLAH SCREW YOU FINCHER BLUB BLUB BLUB FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK POOP DOODOO FECES THBTHBTHBTHBTHBTHBTHBTHBTHBTHBTHBTHTBTHB EAT MY SHIT AND DIE THE SOCIAL NETWORK.

So… no…. I didn’t care for this.

Let’s see what Lem had to say about this agony inducing slice of Horseshit bread.

LEM’S TAKE:

I went into this assignment thinking I would ‘crack the code’ and maybe catch the reason(s) why everyone thought this movie was great and I didn’t.  So as with all serious assignments, I started with research.   There’s a 30-minute Aaron Sorkin interview out on Youtube about the writing and making of this movie – and it’s really good if you’re into that sort of thing.  Sorkin says that his original version of the script (which is also the final version of the script) was 162 pages long, but after reading it Fincher was convinced they could make a two hour movie and swore up and down to the studio that they could bring it in at two hours (*rule of thumb – a minute a page – so the movie should have been 2 hours and 42 minutes…*)

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All of the above was probably pretty boring to read – but was it any more boring than a 2 hour and 42 minute story about people “talking in rooms” (Sorkin’s phrase) and typing?  Yes they brought it in at 2 hours – but it was still 162 pages of ‘story’ read: talking…

Now – let’s take a moment here – I’m not a Sorkin-hater – the guy is extremely talented and for sure has thrown away pieces of dialog that are better than I will ever write – I loved the show Sports Night…

But, I don’t get it with this movie – there just isn’t enough story to fill the 2 hours or the 162 pages…

Rotten Tomatoes says:

Impeccably scripted, beautifully directed, and filled with fine performances, The Social Network is a riveting, ambitious example of modern filmmaking at its finest.

Lem says:

Isn’t the first rule of screenwriting to not make all the characters talk alike?  I mean – otherwise your dialog gets boring or so Robert McKee and his eyebrows told me

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– go re-watch Adaptation for those not getting the mental picture – but watching this movie made me want to get a big paddle into Robert McKee’s hands so he could womp on Aaron Sorkin –  or maybe Charlie Kaufman and Robert McKee could tag team wrestle against Aaron Sorkin and Jesse Eisenberg – there we go – – that would be way more entertaining than this thing.

I mean – unless this was really an “art picture” and it was a commentary on how the internet age and social networking have made us all sound-a-like – and so every character talks like Sorkin.  Maybe that was it – they were actually making a real high-brow picture…an homage to Werner Herzog – who ‘allegedly’ hypnotized his actors when they were making “City of Glass” so they all sounded the same (and spoke in his voice)– that must be what I’m missing…

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Sorry for the digression – but back to my man McKee – another rule (and hey I like it when rules are broken – but this was a mainstream movie)… the other rule is there has to be a character (usually the hero / protagonist) – that the audience is rooting for, can relate to – or has some redeeming quality –  Is there anyone in this movie that fits that bill?  Sorkin says – through the first hour and fifty-five minutes – Zuckerberg is an anti-hero and in the last five minutes he’s a tragic hero…umm…ok…hero, anti-hero or hero sandwich – he was still an asshole for the full 2 hours…

Let me toss out another theory here – this script was a ‘warts-and-all’ love letter (platonic, admiration love) from Sorkin to Zuckerberg – (and in another interview Sorkin talks about the similarities between himself and Mr Facebook) – so really – it is an exercise in Narcissism – a love letter from Sorkin to Sorkin – sealed with a kiss by Fincher…

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Sorkin believes that he himself has invented a better way to write – he ‘cracked the code’ – just as Zuckerberg believes he built a better social-networking mouse trap –

Sorkin and Zuckerberg both have the last laugh here as: innovative or not, they certainly have success and piles and piles of cash…

But…none of that means it was a story worth telling…

The most loathsome of all the despicable characters in the movie has to be Sean Parker as played by Justin Timberlake –

I’m guessing the Sean Parker / Napster story would be more interesting…

So – on that note – I will admit to something neither Sorkin or his muse (Marky Z) would seemingly ever admit to – I have failed in my assignment, I am not smart enough or savvy enough or something enough to understand what it is that makes people like the movie the Social Network…

Please enlighten me in the IPC comments section…

Thanks for the memories,

Lem

69 comments

  2. table9mutant

    Nice work, guys. But… Ugh – Napoleon Dynamite?? You at least have to admit this movie was way better than THAT pile of shit! ; ) I didn’t mind this. I thought the story was interesting. (And Rush is awesome, btw. And Michael Bay sucks.) : )

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    • theipc

      If I could say ANYTHING positive about this hunk of shit it would be this: “At the very least – it’s better than Napoleon Dynamite.”

      : )

      Stupid The Social Network…..

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  3. johnlink00

    I remember reviewing this movie and giving it high scores for its accomplishments and bashing It anyway. Seems a technically fine film which uses a lot of smoke and mirrors to hide Lem’s point: no one in this is likable.
    I don’t mind the dialogue myself, but also get that it’s a gimmick. Sorkin mixed the gimmick with substance better in A Few Good Men. I think what Social Network really lacks is just that: substance.

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  6. lauren

    I’m afraid I kind of liked this film-although I haven’t seen it in a while. Very funny review though, and yes I can imagine McKee would be raising his considerable eyebrows at this movie.

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  9. movierob

    I’m gonna have to re-watch this one soon. I only saw it once a few years back and being a fan of Sorkin’s dialogue heavy scripts (West Wing and Sport Night especially), I liked it at the time, but your review(s) have made me start to question that.

    Thanks guys!

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  11. MojosWork

    All I have to say is, “YES!”
    All I want to say is, “Even if they’re trying to be funny, I get so fucking aggravated when people use apostrophes/possessives in place of plurals. (re: the movie poster) This is why social media, as a whole, drives me nuts.”

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  12. Lem

    I was expecting a little more of a “dust up” on this one – and was hoping someone would help explain the ‘greatness’ that most seem to see in it. Anyway, Thanks for letting the old man pitch in and be a part of the festivities! Long Live Shitfest! PS Shaun White just dropped out of one of his Winter Olympic Snowboarding events – maybe to polish up his Shitfest entry?…hmmm

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    • theipc

      Well – the day is still young – : ) – let’s see if someone comes to it’s defense.

      Man – I couldn’t do this without you! : )

      I saw that this morning about White. I wonder if his new hairdo is causing him problems?

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      • Tim The Film Guy

        Well I suppose it may speak to me a little more than most because I am in University at the moment and I am computer Programmer. I got it and found it very interesting seeing the conflict between developers and the corporations. I just thought it was an interest look at a giants creation and conflict. Just my thoughts 😀

        Also if it makes you feel any better I hate Facebook and expect it to fall like MySpace in the next 5 – 10 years 😀

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      • theipc

        Sounds good – thanks for letting us know – most people were just “I like it, you’re wrong.”

        I fucking hate Facebook.

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  15. Smash

    Great job, dudes! I always enjoy it when the movies that are hailed as the best things ever make their way into Shitfest. If I had an aswer for why this film is so loved, I would probably guess that people love it because they think they’re supposed to and because a lot of the time when the average movie goer decides that they like a director, they automatically assume a liking for all of their output. It’s a lack of critical thinking such as you two just showed us that maybe keeps this sort of shit going.

    I will say this, I do love that tagline about the 500 million friends and making enemies. It made me think that this would be a much darker movie than it actually was. But even so, it’s a great tagline for getting people interested.

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  16. Smash

    *oh shit and by lack of critical thinking, I meant that on part of the average viewer, not you guys. You did an exemplary job on the critical thinking front. I’m talking in general about the derp derps that go and see Vampires Suck and shit like that, lol.

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  18. caragale

    Nice work, fellas! I’ll admit that I actually liked this when I saw it, though it’s one of those that I don’t really care to see again. And it’s DEFINITELY not one I’d recommend for you, Eric. Because of all the talk and…well, no boobs…lol. 😉

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  19. Monkeyboy

    I’ll admit, I got about ten minutes into this movie, before switching it off. I found it annoying. So that’s all I’ve ever seen of it. Plus, there was a kind of sinking feeling that I’m watching a movie about Facebook, and that there would be no car chases or explosions, just a bunch of rich nerds doing stuff. Judging by this glorious Shitfest review, looks like it really was just a load of blah-blah-blah.

    Oh, and thanks for crediting me for PEWW-PEEWW-PEWWWW. haha. 🙂

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    • theipc

      I could never take credit for a fantastic PEWWW PEEWWWW PEWWWWW!!

      This was a load of shit. I see people coming here to tell us we are wrong but nobody is offering up any reasons why…

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  20. Anna (Film Grimoire)

    I liked this film but the dialogue reminded me of twenty five episode of the Gilmore Girls in a row. Painful! I hope Trent doesn’t really turn into Phil Collins, because Phil Collins is a dick. A most excellent Shitfest review!

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  22. Beer Movie

    You mean to tell me planking is no longer cool? Cock, I only just started doing it last week.

    I never ever turn off movies before they are finished. I think it is a sick habit for sick people. But I turned the Social Network off after about 20 minutes. Twas rubbish.

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  23. Syncopated Eyeball

    I kind of liked this movie. I don’t have a FaceBook account, and I doubt I ever will. People pressing a button (or whatever it is you have to do) do not equal friends and I thought the movie showed how whatsit exemplifies someone who doesn’t know what a friend is.
    As for Trent Reznor – I love Trent Reznor. I don’t think he’s gone all mediocre, I think he is maturing. So there! 😛

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  24. Laura O

    The first two times I attempted to watch this film I got about 10 minutes in before I had to turn it off through sheer boredom. The third time I managed to get to the end, and that’s what it was… getting to the end. I’ve never seen a film so utterly full of relentlessly dislikeable characters. This wasn’t fun. It wasn’t big. And it certainly wasn’t clever. Narcissism at its worst.

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