Greetings, kind and beautiful Shitfest readers! So things are going to be a little different today. First of all, in case the hunky man in the banner didn’t tip you off, let’s make something clear: I am not Eric Isaacs of The IPC. My name is Cara, and I run a little blog called Silver Screen Serenade, if you’d like to hop on over and check that out (cough cough shameless self-promotion hack hack ahem). Mr. Isaacs is actually tied up in my basement, pitifully crying for help–errrrrm. I mean, he’s at some ComiCon thingy playing Dungeons and Dragons or LARPing or whatever it is nerds do…Kidding, Eric. 😉 Hope you’re having a blast! Anyway, Eric has been
stupid naïve generous enough to turn his blog over to me for a day so that I may tend to comments and the like. I’m definitely not going to take advantage of this. Nope. Not at all. I would never. He knows that’s not in my nature at all…
…MWAHAHAHA THE FOOL!!!! THE IPC IS MINE!!!! MINE, I SAY!!!! LET’S DO THIS, BITCHES!!!!
Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones (2014)
Before we really get into this, I just wanted to take a minute to warn you: this is not the same Cara you will find over at Silver Screen Serenade. On my blog, I tend to review things in a fairly tame fashion, partly because I rarely see films awful enough to get worked up about, but also because…well…my mom reads it. Faithfully. And I just wouldn’t feel right swearing up a storm knowing my mom is reading every word. So I don’t. However, this is Shitfest, and as such I feel obligated to let it all out. Therefore, there will be bad language and a fair amount of it. So, Mom, I apologize. I love you, but you might want to skip this one.
So here’s what happened: I agreed to see Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones with a friend, knowing it would probably suck, but optimistically hoping that there would be something redeemable in it. And you know what? Jack shit is redeemable. It was wretched. Here’s how I’m going to break it down for you: how it was supposed to scare us, the moments that stick out to me the most, the stupid shit the teenage main characters do, and why a 12-year-old might like this film. Then I’ll sum it all up for you in the end. Do enjoy.
The “Scare Tactics”:
- Everything’s scarier in a foreign language, right? Let’s make the witches into brujas instead. A Hispanic twist with witchy rituals is totally the fresh start this franchise needs. Olé!
- Showing 90% of the scary moments in the trailer TOTALLY adds to the terror. You never see anything coming.
- Jump scares, jump scares, and more motherfucking jump scares. Oh, wait—this might be building to something bigger…Oh. Um. Okay. Another jump scare.
- Know what’s scary? Mashing pretty much every Paranormal Activity ending into the end of this one film. It’s not repeating if they use all of them at once…right? And it definitely doesn’t make the end confusing at all.
The Highlights Lowlights Shitlights:
- Hablas español? No? Then sorry, buddy. You’re basically fucked for all of the grandmother’s lines because her grandson is a weak ass translator.
- A dog is levitated, strangled, and later, I think, decapitated. Why? No fucking clue.
- Some dude pulls slimy string out of his eye and then his nose. Why? No fucking clue.
- Two creepy ass little girls from a previous Paranormal Activity movie appear in a basement. Why? Because creepy ass little girls hang out in basements, naturally. No explanation is needed.
- A character time travels back to a pivotal moment in the first Paranormal Activity. Wait, time travels? Whowhatwhenwherewhyhow? NO. FUCKING. CLUE. WHAT THE FUCK, PARANORMAL ACTIVITY WRITERS? WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK? ARE YOU EVEN TRYING ANYMORE???
The Asshat Teenagers:
- I don’t even know if the word “asshat” would be applicable to these kids. I just find the word “asshat” the most hilarious insult you can possibly fling at a person. Try calling someone an asshat. Tell me if you can do it without giggling. Same goes for “assclown.” Anyway, time to actually address why these asshats are asshats (tee hee).
- Oooh let’s carry a camera into a dark, dangerous, unfamiliar room and be sure to document every last goddamn moment. Definitely more important than our safety, right?
- Something is communicating with us through an old electronic toy. That is hilarious and not creepy and troubling at all! Right? Let’s play with this possessed toy some more!
- What do you want to do tonight, bro? Walk through our gang-infested neighborhood at night then waste enough time at a snack machine for two dudes twice our size to come up and try to beat the shit out of us? Sounds like a plan!
- Bro, you can levitate and shit! That’s awesome! Let’s not stop and worry about how the hell you’re doing this or what the consequences might be—it’s time to skateboard and go to a sketchy gang party to pick up chicks! Then we’ll break into a crime scene and bang them! YOLO!
- Let’s break and enter into an ominous, dark house with two armed strangers we barely know. Yeah! Bring it on, angry hordes of devil-possessed women!
Why a 12-Year-Old (Asshat) Might Love It:
- There’s a naked chick. Yeah, dude. Fucking naked. Boobs and everything. Big boobs, dude. But some old fat ass naked chick comes in later and ruins it. But then later, dude, there’s this hot chick who totally takes her top off. Like, you don’t ever see her with her bra off, but this chick is hot and she totally almost dies ‘cause she’s a slut.
- I fucking relate to the way they talk, you know? It’s, like, so fucking realistic or whatever. Fucking sweet. Like, that’s the kinda shit I’m saying. It’s like there wasn’t a fucking script at all, know what I fucking mean, dude?
- Some dude draws a dick on another dude’s face with permanent marker. Har har har. Classic.
To Sum This (Shit) Up:
Basically, this film, like its predecessor (the atrocious Paranormal Activity 4), shits all over everything that makes the first Paranormal Activity such a great horror. It builds little to no attachment to the main characters (I didn’t even know their names for most of the film), it reduces itself to cheap and predictable scares that inspire no real or lasting sense of terror, and it leaves us with a baffling, messy, laughable conclusion that is meant to be the terrifying climax of the film. So here’s to you, PA: Marked Ones, for that giant dump you took on an already festering franchise. You were just the film laxative I needed to inspire this Shitfest entry.
…My God. I just used poop in an extended metaphor. Eric, I don’t know if we should be friends anymore. I don’t know what’s happening to me…
Aw fuck it.
LONG LIVE SHITFEST!!!!!!!!