Zombie Ass: Toilet of the Living Dead
Originally, I thought maybe I was taking the term, “ShitFest’ too literally by picking this film for my entry. I’m not above some good potty humor. What if Zombie Ass turns out to be a good campy horror flick? I mean, I kinda’ liked Monsturd.
Well, my worries about this being good were quickly vanquished as the film began. But first I want to say thanks to Eric and the IPC for receiving my entry… ok, ‘receiving my entry’ sounds a little porn-ish… for running this contest for which I have read and followed these past few years and finally got up the chutzpah to enter. Now, back to the film.
The first time that vomit crawled up the back of my throat and burned my nasal passages during this film was when this one ‘zombie’ guy, crawled out of a porta-potty covered in shit and opened his mouth to have more shit, roll out – it looked like a damn sweet-potato farm! One of the girl’s in this little group of friends investigating the zombie outbreak, farts, and the zombies chase her, trying to pull down her pants to get a good sniff. So, I’m thinking, the only people that will really like this are those with a serious shit fetish. I guess, if you want to see attractive Asian women sitting on the bowl or squatting over a hole in a porta-potty – making faces as they try to squeeze out a stubborn log – then this film is for you. Please keep reading, it gets better (worse).
There’s this back story for the main character/heroine about when she was young and a bunch of bully girls in school had her sister trapped in a bathroom but they wouldn’t let her leave until she forced out a fart, WTF??? So she farts, then commits suicide because she is ashamed, double-WTF???
It reminds me of a segment in the ABC’s Of Death, ‘F’ is for Fart – where one girl wanted to die by the smell of the other girl’s toxic fart in some weird lesbian fart mash-up. So the girl spews a yellow cloud and the other girl takes a big whiff, then gets sucked up into her colon and curls up in a fetal position, WTF??? I’m thinking this is the same director but I‘m too lazy to look it up and I‘ve spent too much time on this shitty flick already.
The zombies in this flick are infected by a parasite in the river that crawls up their butts and makes them crave poop. Yes, the zombie-like people need to be constantly covered in poop: eat it, wear it, fling it at others, roll around in it, spit it from their mouths, get it in their eyes… are you gagging yet? Yes, they even gag on it!
So, the parasites are these long worm-y looking things and there’s a scene where a worm-parasite is reaching out from this one woman’s ass and its connected into this other woman’s mouth and then out her ass and back to the first woman and all tangled and, I don’t know… it’s a big mess. Let some one else unravel that knot. It makes those Human Centipede flicks look like Disney films. There’s a great scene (and by great, I mean this is f**king ridiculous!) where the zombies bend over and the parasite heads are sticking out of their asses and they are chasing people by crawling backwards with their asses in the air.
Oh, I almost forgot to mention, the Queen-bee parasite enters the scene and she can fly. Now she’s after the heroine girl who for some reason (not explained) can fight like she’s in The Matrix. The girl farts, which provides jet-propulsion in order for her to fly too, so she can fight the flying parasite thing-y. A steady yellow cloud is emitted and she’s zooming around like someone had just let go of a balloon, and she’s administering karate chops to the queen parasite. (Star Wars ain‘t got nothing‘ on this!) Much like taking a dookie, I felt the need to wash my hands after watching this film.
Which reminds me, how many phrases can you think of that mean ‘making a doody?’ I came up with only a few: ‘pinch a loaf’ ‘drop a stool’ and ‘push a log.’ I know there’s a whole lot more – please help me out here in the comments.
Anyway, If you read this review and still feel the need to watch this, my advice is – just don’t tell anyone you did. Thanks for reading.