Shitfest: Winter: That’s My Boy: 0 out of 10
I really don’t like watching shitty movies, let that be known before we get started. Eric is well aware of this, which is why he respects my Shitfest entries more than the rest of yours…I’m just kidding! No, but seriously, I can’t fucking stand watching terrible flicks. For those who know me and my domain, over on my site TheCinemaMonster.com (shameless plug), I don’t get a lot of chances to let my thoughts fly and use vulgar, derogatory language. Everything is calm, collected, collated, and respectable over there and that’s the way I plan on keeping it. That being said, there is a beast inside me that needs to let loose every once in a while. Which is why I don’t mind having to watch a poopy film or two, if only to let myself off the leash, so to speak. That’s also why I’m extremely grateful that Eric created this wonderful vice. If he hadn’t, I’m sure there’d be a significant amount of carnage around my neck of the woods.
Now that the familiarities and administrative stuff is out of the way. Ladies and gentleman, let me introduce to you my Shitfest: Winter 2013 entry, “That’s My Boy” (aka: every movie Adam Sandler has ever been attached to in any way).
Right off the top, I think it’s important that you all know I did not finish watching this movie. That’s right, after about 15 to 20 minutes of this god-awful drivel, I tossed the remote into the air and yelled “DONE!” Surprisingly, I made it farther in than I first anticipated. “What? How can he review it, if he didn’t even finish it?” Is that what you’re all thinking right about now? Well, let me tell you how I’m able to spawn an article on a film I never finished. Year after year, film after film, it’s still…Adam…fucking…Sandler! It’s all the freaking same! Every Adam Sandler film ever made is, without question, the absolute worst. I’m sorry to the Wayan brothers who held the distinction previously, but you’ve been usurped. If it’s any consolation, I know you strive to produce the most consistent stream of shit, and you still do. Yet, pound for pound, film for film, Sandler has you all beat. His flicks are a big, stinking pile of horse manure that I wouldn’t dig a grave into for an abortion my ex-girlfriend had behind an IHOP.
I mean, he wasn’t even funny on SNL, and I’m a HUGE SNL fan, old and new. Who knows, maybe he’s just not my cup of tea. Which is rather ironic, seeing as the only people who could ever enjoy his sort of schtick has their cup of tea streaming down their chin on the account of the their lobotomy. I expect that in the comments below, most of you will be urging me to reconsider with arguments clamouring at how funny “Happy Gilmore” is or that “Punch-Drunk Love” is a good movie. Oh yeah, “Happy Gilmore” is funny, if I’m eight years old and I’ve never heard a curse word in my life. And I’m sorry to say, but the only reason “Punch-Drunk Love” is raved by some critics is because it’s a Paul Thomas Anderson film. That’s right, Paul Thomas Anderson, director of “Boogie Nights” and “There Will Be Blood,” directed “Punch-Drunk Love” starring Adam Sandler. Is it any coincidence that it just happens to be Anderson’s worst film? I think not.
I think what pisses me of the most is that he does these fucking idiotic voices in every single one of his films. Little did I realize however that the worst was still yet to come. The manner in which Sandler speaks in “That’s My Boy” makes me want to blow my fucking brains out. How does he continually get funding for these unfunny, sloppy, pathetic flicks? I’ll tell you how. Sandler pitches a second-rate idea to some studio executive. The executive knows that prepubescent, immature little kids and brainless, depressed slobs will line up days in advance for a quick, half-hearted laugh just to prevent them from hanging themselves in a Chucky Cheese bathroom on a Monday afternoon. Now, after roughly prospecting the return on a flick of this nature, the executive gives Sandler the money, who then grabs a hold of all his little, unfunny friends (David Spade, Rob Schneider, and Kevin Smith) to share in free trips around the world and of course, the profits.
I’m sorry, I need to stop now, I’m giving myself a god damn heart attack. Don’t watch “That’s My Boy,” don’t pay to see a Sandler film ever again…actually, just don’t watch movies all together if you’re a fan of Sandler’s work…please. For the record, I have never met Adam and I am in no way bashing him or his life. He could be the nicest guy in the world for all I know. I’m simply stating that I’d rather cut off my own penis than watch another one of his films.
P. S. I know most of what I said probably doesn’t make sense and has a lot of grammatical errors. Forgive me, I just don’t feel I need to look-over and critique an article about Adam Sandler and his films.