BY:
Shitfest 2014: Winter: On The Line (2001)
Happy Valentines Day everyone! You’d better bust out the popcorn, chocolate covered strawberries, and a fine sparkling red wine, because boy do I have an excellently shitty Shitfest: Valentines Day Edition film for you to watch on this night of nights. When I learned that two members of the band N*Sync starred in the same film, and it’s from the early 2000s, and it’s a romantic comedy, the first thing that popped into my head was, “Why didn’t this film win any awards?”. And also, “Bye bye bye”.
On The Line (2001) stars Lance Bass and Joey Fatone of N*Sync, and Emmanuelle Chriqui, whom you might remember from 2008’s unforgettable masterpiece You Don’t Mess With the Zohan. The film sets up Lance Bass’s character Kevin as someone who’s anxious around women after a horrible embarrassment he experienced whilst performing in a band during college. It was like totally embarrassing, and now he totally can’t seal the deal with any girls. And that is, like, not cool. Later in life, Kevin meets a cute girl on the train and they bond over common interests, but unfortunately he’s too ~totes awkward~ to ask for her name or number. So, he has to put up signs on the street and adverts in the newspaper to try and find his soulmate. Will he find her? Let’s find out!
On The Line is set in Chicago, and we know this because the first scene contains a massive sign that says, “CHICAGO”. That’s the level of subtlety we’re dealing with here. The acting is not good. Lance Bass’ performance is a mix between painfully shy and incredibly confused. Joey Fatone is so exuberant and well-meaning in his inept acting skills that it’s almost forgivable until you get to the fart jokes. The plot is ridiculous and feels like the concept for a music video that’s been stretched out to 1.5 hours of pure awkwardness.
The poster has a quote that basically says, “At least the music is kind of alright”. But it isn’t. I counted a minimum of four forgettable N*Sync songs. The score consists of either early 2000s techno monstrosities, or music that seems straight out of a Disney movie. Not a good Disney movie, a Disney Channel Original movie. Or from one of the Home Alone films. Maybe Home Alone 4.
Here’s a selection of dialogue from when our star-crossed lovers meet on the train:
Kevin: Tell me something you would only tell a stranger.
Mystery Woman: I like to make paper planes. My dad’s a pilot.
Pure romance.
I’m not sure if On The Line can be counted as a romantic comedy, even though it’s listed as one everywhere on the internet. The comedy consists of farts and other cheesy sound effects (they actually played cricket noises over an awkward moment), and the romance is pretty much non-existent since the two lead characters have a total of two scenes together and their chemistry is severely lacking. Unless you count a polite conversation where you happen to have the same musical tastes and can name all the U.S. presidents as romantic chemistry. I like to imagine a sequel to this film where the two characters get to know each other beyond a five-minute train conversation and find out that they have some serious incompatibilities. Maybe one of them thinks women shouldn’t be allowed to vote, or, one of them is a massive racist. Then they have to say goodbye and they never see each other again.
Sometimes I write notes during films so that I can remember really good/bad/awkward things to elaborate when reviewing them. This was one of the notes I wrote down and I can’t figure out what it says.
“Breakdancing in abide?” Anyway, can one of you please watch this film and then figure out what that note means? It pretty much sums up my feelings towards this film though. It’s not funny, it’s kind of boring, there’s nothing good about it. “Breakdancing in abide”, indeed.
My final note: Anyone who intentionally keeps their bag or suitcase on a seat on public transport during peak hour is a legitimate asshole. Ladies, gentlemen, don’t give your name or number to these people. They shouldn’t be allowed to procreate.
Happy Valentines Day!
1/5
Watch the trailer here.
Isaacs Picture Conclusions 
WOW! Can’t believe you did this to yourself! DREADFUL!
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Only for Shitfest would I willingly sit through a piece of crap like this!
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Such a good cause!
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AND WE THANK YOU!!!!
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“I like paper planes” is my new mantra.
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It’s not the worst mantra you could have. Plus if your dad is a pilot it’s like totally super relevant.
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Mine is “Those are fake books”.
Know what that’s from??? HUH HUH??
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No! Is that from a film where someone is stashing cool stuff inside fake books? Like jacks and marbles and arrowheads and shit?
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It’s from Little Man Tate : )
This boy genius gets selected to go on a TV show and he’s real upset and nervous and all he says is “Those are fake books”.
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It’s one of those moments where I’m ashamed to be a 90s child. And it’s a shame no one realized how incredible an actor Timberlake was at this time, because I am sure he could have actually brought some acting to this film. Haha. Good review.
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I just realized that I don’t know where Anna lives so I’ll thank you on behalf of her in case she’s at work, asleep or out at a strip club.
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Or all three at the same time.
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TRUE!!!
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Two out of three ain’t bad!
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Are you working at the strip club????
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Asleep, but dreaming about work! So actually 1.5 out of three ain’t bad. Also I’m in Melbourne, Australia!
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Hey – how about that!! What time is it over there? I’m in the middle of the United States.
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It’s like 4am. I fell asleep but then I woke up and got too excited about Shitfest to go back to sleep.
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This news makes the guy that runs SHITFEST VERY, VERY happy!! : )
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Ha! I’m ashamed to be a child of the 90s when I remember my huge obsession with the Spice Girls. That was not a good time for pop music. Also I forgot to mention that Timberlake does make an appearance at the very end of the film in a bloopers-style extras scene where he pretends to be a gay make-up artist doing Lance and Joey’s faces. Equal parts offensive and pure awkwardness.
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Nice review Anna,
Sorry you had to shit…I mean sit through that one 🙂
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This movie sounds pretty fucking rough to get through…. barf….
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I’m sorry I shat the whole way through this too. Thanks! 🙂
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Pingback: Shitfest 2014: On The Line (2001) | FILM GRIMOIRE
Pretty amazing that you actually watched this. You might be as big a glutton for punishment as Eric himself. 🙂
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Two words: Slaughter Daughter…..
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🙂
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Haha! I’m going to take that as a compliment, given the personal strength he shows in his film choices sometimes. I couldn’t believe I got to the end, to be honest.
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Haha! Nice review. Congratulations on being able to sit through this. : ) They should have blasted this movie into space with whichever one of them was going to go into space. Or…. Was that a Backstreet Boy?? I mix them up. Because they’re all shit. The 90s sucked. : )
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Sounds like they should have blasted this movie down the shitpot hole….
You know what was good about the 90s??? FUCKING NOTHING.
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Thank you! 🙂 I’m ashamed to say that I’m pretty sure it was Lance who wanted to go into space. But I think he got kicked off the space flight. Maybe the people organising it watched this film and decided to punish him.
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Breakdancing in vehicle?
I remember around the time this came out, I was an intern at Us Weekly and one of the writers found out that Lance Bass had been frequenting gay clubs. Probably didn’t help the box office.
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and by “Us Weekly” you mean Playgirl, right?
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Not much of a difference.
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True… true….
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Now that I think about it, that could have been a valid reason for the lack of romantic chemistry between him and his lady friend in this film. Also I don’t think there was any breakdancing in a vehicle in the film… I think they were breakdancing on a train at some point though. The plot thickens!
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Bruh, you got a larger sack than I. Never, in five eternities would I subject myself to this kind of torture. What the actual fuck?! How do films like this get made!!?!!
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Thank you, I like to think I have the largest of non-existent sacks! Someone financed 16 million for this film to be made. That’s a nice slice of rage to start your day with.
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Holy shit! 16 mil? That’s ridiculous. You know what, I like the cut of your jib, kid, consider your blog followed :).
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Nice!!!
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Hilarious review ! !
Oh, speaking of which, I ‘s watched Sleepless in Seattle and While You were Sleeping a hundred times.
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Thanks! That’s another movie I never understood – While You Were Sleeping. Sandra Bullock is a total sociopath in that film and yet it’s meant to be a fuzzy romantic comedy as well. So awkward.
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This sounds like exactly the kind of film my friend, Bod and I used to watch together before she had to move back to Australia. So bad, it’s fricking awesome.
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I have to admit, some moments were so bad that I actually laughed. Like the bit where they put cricket noises over the awkward moment. There are no excuses for that!
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It may be set in Chicago, but a significant amount of that footage is actually from good ole Toronto! Yayyyyy Toronto!
Also, I’m in love with the tagline on the poster that says this movie has a killer soundtrack. Hahahahaha! Hahaha. Best thing I’ve seen all day.
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Fucking perfect!!! HAHAHAHAHAAH!!!! What a way to end the work week!!
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Haha! If by killer soundtrack, they mean you want to jump off a cliff after hearing it, then they’re 100% correct!
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Oh dear. A real shiter and no mistake.
Sorry about that lack of activity on the old log fest, man. I’m struggling to keep up with the blogging world at the moment. 😦
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No worries Muckers!!
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That’s the perfect way to describe this film – a real shiter indeed!
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Gees. I’d completely forgotten about the existence of this film. For your sake, I hope you’re able to forget about it, too. Well done, Anna. Now go watch something good–you earned it! 😉
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Haha, thanks Cara! I’m happy to report that after drinking a whole bunch of wine, the film is almost purged from my memory.
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LOL. Atta girl!! 😉
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Lance Bass must have had a awkward time filming this movie around all those girls! Thanks for reminding me why I never saw this movie and totally forgot it existed. Funny review.
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HA!! I thank you on behalf of the Film Grimoire!!
Thanks for reading!!
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Thanks! 🙂 The kissing scenes must have been pretty awkward for him!
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That poster makes me want to murder someone. Its been 5 years since I last killed and I thought I had changed, so thanks a lot Anna!
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Anna has become an accessory to first degree murder. SHITFEST ROCKS!!!!
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Fair enough, I reckon! Imagine staring at Lance Bass’ smarmy mug for an entire film. That’s enough for anyone to snap and murder at least three vagrants.
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Lord, this sounds horrible. Why on earth would someone watch this??? 😉
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For Shitfest, and Shitfest alone!
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I wonder why I’ve never heard of this. Oh wait, I think can see why. I would show this to One Direction, that should they decide to go into acting, whatever movie they make will just be another shitty footnote in their headlong tumble into obscurity. And basically, don’t do it. In fact, just fuck off now, and save us all a lot of grief.
Can’t help with the note. Is there actually any break dancing?
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I’ll have to default to Anna but I’m thinking no…
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Haha! Couldn’t agree more, fuck off One Direction. There actually is a bit of breakdancing in this film and I think it happens on a train of all places, but I’ve blocked the memories of this film out of my brain now so I can’t be sure. It’s super shitty.
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